Hey have you seen Leslie?
[deliriously] I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you and then disappeared through that hole in the wall.
...The door?
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[After Leslie escapes the hospital to go to the Chamber of Commerce meeting]
Ben Wyatt! Hello!
Uhh hi Leslie...
Good to see you!
You too...
[They shake hands]
Wow you're really burning up.
Can I get some money for the cab that I took over here please?
Sure, how much?
I'm not sure. I looked at the meter and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it. Do you know the exchange rate?
...
So should we do this? Oh boy hold on...be careful.
What?
The floor and the wall just switched.
...Okay.
Walk very carefully.
Okay. It's showtime. [delirious, to wall poster] Good evening everyone, I'm Leslie Monster and this is Nightline.
Okay I wouldn't open with that.
That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA Finals. That was Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off of Dennis Eckersley. That was…that was Leslie Knope.
BOBusiness Owner
Are we going to get the same sales tax incentives we used to?
That's a very good question sir and I would counter with my own question which is: why is half of your face all swirly?
Okay! Umm unfortunately Leslie has another very important meeting right now so if you have any other questions you can just direct them towards me.
Give it up everybody for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap!
Alright! Okay. [ushers Leslie off the stage]
I think I should drive you to the hospital.
[In a British accent] Was I wearing a Tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it post hence?
...
[reciting every town slogan Pawnee has ever had] "Pawnee: The Paris of America." "Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana." "Pawnee: Welcome German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked. "Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America." "Pawnee: Welcome Vietnamese Soldiers." "Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the 70's, our town was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is Dead. Long Live Zorp." "Pawnee: It's Safe To Be Here Now." "Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the World Famous Julia Roberts Lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome Taliban Soldiers." And finally, our current slogan, "Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity."
Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell you that much.
My ex-wife, Tammy, likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay, and if I am, she tries to fuck everything up.
[Ron and Leslie walk into Tammy Two's office to find her bending over showing off her thong.]
[gasps] Whale tail! Whale tail! She's flashing a whale tail! Abort! Abort!
Hello Tammy.
Oh hello Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking myself for scoliosis.
And?
Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky?
[Tammy Two takes out a large piece of jerky and starts eating it seductively]
Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life I have never checked a book out of the library.
[Tammy Two starts sexually smacking herself in the face with the jerky]
Oh my God she's amazing...
[chuckles] I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior would've driven me wild. But I'm in a healthy relationship now Tammy.
A relationship!? With whom!?
A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.
Sounds like a real whore.
Okay so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk toppings.
Sausage, onion and peppers. Scientifically proven to be the best toppings.
Nice.
Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Yeah Ben these guys are cops not ballerinas.
Okay. How about some calzones?
Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb and so was that idea.
Seriously?
This is embarrassing for you.
I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library book pedaling, sex crazed she-demon.
Can we turn the radio off? This is our song.
Your song is 'Dancing On The Ceiling' by Lionel Richie? Oh! Wow look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely.
I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off...from friction.
Ugh!
I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty kimono wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother, Levandrious, who I hate!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.