Do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire and create a diversion!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck.
I don't even work in this building.
Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.
[walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything?
No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early.
CCitizen
Your department banned me from attending games just because I yell "You Suck" at the players.
According to the complaint you yelled it at 5-year-old girls.
CCitizen
WHO SUCK! WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND!?
CCitizen
I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.
I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's...currently dead.
CCitizen
Oh.
I'm his daughter, April Swanson, and it's his last wish that I have this meeting with you.
WWoman
There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red tape.
Mmm. This gridlock drives me nuts.
WWoman
Tell me about it.
Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, y'know? Go right to the commissioner on this one.
WWoman
You know what? I haven't thought of that. That is a really great idea.
Yeah?
WWoman
I'm gonna do that.
OK. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council.
WWoman
Good luck there!
My thoughts exactly!
[Cut to April being interviewed]
I have no idea what I was saying.
April was supposed to be the moat that kept the barbarians away from Swanson Castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.
MMan
I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday but I had a little car trouble.
Sorry he's busy right now.
[View of Ron carving a wooden swan in his office]
MMan
Oh Uh...well can I reschedule?
Sure. Hmm how about June 50th?
MMan
Sorry?
Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.
MMan
What is going on?
Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember Oneteenth. Does that work sir?
[The man hurriedly walks away. The phone rings and April hangs it up without answering it. Ron smiles and nods his approval]
Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access station to raise money for diabetes research. And it’s important because Pawnee is the fourth fattest town in the U.S. It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and certain parts of the Mall of America.
I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.
I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in with me.
Why, is something wrong?
No, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
[gasps]
I love her and I want a partner and....
[interrupting] Horseback! You should ask her on horseback. No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon...No, she should be on a hot air balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh wait...she's in a balloon, you ride up on horseback, you point to the sky - up there, skywriting, "Marry me Ann."
I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.
How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.
So you think I should do it though?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get ten eagles.
Leslie...
No, you're right, it's your life, get as many eagles as you want.
I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.
One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.
Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job but I felt like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going to propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons took a [bleep] on me. And I was indoors. So...
I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.
I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientists who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.