Okay! First come, first serve. Who's in!? Jerry?
Oh jeeze Tom, if I spend any more than 25 bucks I gotta ask my wife.
Jerry get out.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
The media has all but written us off as a niche interest group. But if you give a woman's award to a mustachioed, masculine man such as yourself well then eventually people take notice.
I don't want the damn thing.
Well we're giving it to you. So you're going to take it...like a man. So congratulations!
[cut to Leslie being interviewed]
The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists like Ron Swanson...Oh my God what is happening!?
What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, which is gorgeous, or my pre-owned Acura Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?
I'm out.
Why?!
I hate that guy.
Oh I'm sorry this area is for award winners only.
Ugh get over yourself Elise.
Work on the speech. Let's nail these women...you know what I mean.
Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole of the public golf course. And he's actually number three on the parks department most wanted pests list. Right behind the bats who like to poop on the bell tower. And "Poopy" the raccoon who poops all over the high school cafeteria.
Eugene! Boy we have a really important job for you.
EEugene
We'll get to it first thing Monday.
Today's Wednesday...Look this is not a request.
We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.
Office. I need your two best guys to join me and be a part of my task force.
EEugene
That would be Harris and Brett...But they're not here.
[Harris and Brett are clearly visible in the background]
Isn't that them there?
EEugene
Nope.
Yo Brett!
BBrett
Yo!
Dude!
Listen that stupid possum is on the golf course again. Would you rather I capture it myself and just call you so you can come and pick it up?
EEugene
Okay!
Hey Mark! Welcome to my haven.
Thank you.
You're the first non-me to set foot in here in ten years.
Ummm Ron none of this is up to code.
Sure it is! It's up to the Swanson code.
There's no drainage. Doesn't appear to be any ventilation. You got hazardous chemicals over here.
Yeah which only I'm breathing. The same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?
There is a basket of oil-soaked rags hanging above a wood-burning stove.
Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher. Which I assure you is totally up to your precious code.
Umm this says it should be recharged June of 1996.
Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those dates that the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine. Observe. Watch yourself.
[Ron tries to use the fire extinguisher but only a little liquid dribbles out]
Okay. I'll replace this. Happy?
Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. Act."
So you weren't thinking.
Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.
What do you mean that Fairway Frank is not here?
Here's the thing, Evelyn: We're not sure that the possum we caught is, in fact, Fairway Frank.
Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum. And the sooner it's dead, the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it.
...Does he want to have sex with a dead possum?
No!
No.
He's not a monster! He wants to stuff it and hang it above the urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it forever.
Ew.
[Leslie, Tom, Jerry and Carl board a golf cart]
This thing is a mess.
CCarl
WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARS ACTUALLY. THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS. THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO. THERE WAS URINE EVERYWHERE. AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN.
What’s this one?
CCarl
THIS IS THE SECOND ONE. THE RACCOON PISS ONE.
Why didn’t you just tell everybody the truth?
Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.
[cut to Leslie impersonating Tom]
Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?
That segment was a disaster! Don't ever fuck me like that again! This is Pawnee Fucking Today! Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on its hinders for you?! You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight.
Yes ma'am.
Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson. Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park. I think we should just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are.
DDavid
I thought you were dead, Clarence.
CClarence
No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your wife.
DDavid
Screw you, you old coot.
MMichael
Classic David. You're worse than Ron.
Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.
OK great, let's go!
So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be?
The super old one.
Really?
Mm-hm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.
Where the hell are you going!? We have 91 more meetings!
I'm sorry Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all time City Hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency! Someone is trying to alter a gazebo!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.