I promise that Andy isn't suing just for the money.
Leslie, the man lived in a pit. He couldn't find a place to live on the Earth's surface so he went under the ground. We're dealing with a grown man who thinks like a gopher.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Leslie is confronting Greg Pikitis at the high school]
Greg Pikitis.
You're the parks lady right?
Yeah that's right. I'm the parks lady, Leslie Knope and I'm here to tell you that this year, it ends.
[Cut to Leslie being interviewed]
Ugh this kid makes me crazy. We got a history, Greg and I. He absolutely terrorizes the parks system. Every Halloween someone defaces the statue of Mayor Percy in Ramset Park! And I know it's Greg Pikitis! But I've never been able to prove it. He's like an invisible, adolescent, James Bond, supervillain, criminal mastermind.....Or maybe someone else is doing it but I really feel like it's this kid!
[Cut back to Leslie and Greg]
Got the entire parks department watching you, my boyfriend's a cop. So don't even try it!
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh I think you do! It ends today Pikitis. It ends. To. Day.
[Leslie starts walking away]
Thanks for stopping by Leslie. You look great.
Thank you...Ends today!
Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!
Check this out. These are all the possible routes from Greg Pikitis' house to the statue.
That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.
In a way, that's a compliment. It shows dedication.
[At the statue of Mayor Percy]
Ah William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors and a true hero. During the Pawnee bread factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.
Didn't like 30 people die in that fire?
[sigh] He wasn't Superman.
He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on?
No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just said?
...Yes.
You see him, you stop him. Knock his head off if you have to.
Don't do that.
Don't do that. But I give you permission to use excessive force.
Don't use excessive force.
Don't go overboard, just stop him...by any means necessary.
Nope.
No, just stop him.
[Leslie and Dave have just found the Parks Department vandalized]
PIKITIS!
We've been tailing that kid for a couple hours. It must've been somebody else.
It was Pikitis. [shows Dave the peach pit] Believe me now?
That doesn't mean anything to me.
This is a peach pit!
Okay.
He was eating a peach when I went to go talk to him! This is his ace of spades! This is his calling card! This is what he leaves all his victims. And it's still warm. Okay go and arrest him and send this to the lab!
We don't have a lab...
Hey. Yeah I'm gonna leave.
Oh, Okay.
This isn't that fun.
Didn't need to tell me that.
I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.
That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
Why don't you just shut up for a second!
What's going on in here?
He's a jerk! He is being such a jerk! That's an awful thing to say to a human being!
Are you crying?
I AM NOT CRYING, OK?! I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!
Wait, how did you know I was in the parking lot all night?
Because I followed you genius!
If you followed me all night, then you know that it wasn't me! Knope! What is your problem!?
Look I have been very civil but I will waterboard you!
[After Dave catches Leslie and Andy vandalizing Greg's house]
Leslie! What are you doing?
Oh boy.
GSGreg's Real Mom
That's them officer! Right there!
Oh my God! Oh no! I'm so sorry I think we have the wrong house!
GSGreg's Real Mom
Why are you doing this!?
It's really hard to explain but we were trying to get revenge on this kid Greg Pikitis and we thought this was his house but I guess we got the address wrong!
GSGreg's Real Mom
I'm Greg's Mom.
...You are?
GSGreg's Real Mom
Yes! ...Oh did he hire a fake mom again to get him out of trouble?
What!?
GSGreg's Real Mom
Whenever he gets in trouble he goes on Craigslist and hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out. That little SOB! Greg! Gregory!
I knew it!
Oh my God!
Dude! That kid is amazing!
[After catching Greg defacing the statue]
How did you get into the parks department!? I have to know!
Maybe the FBI can figure it out.
Hahaha! I'm not even in the FBI! Stupid!
Wow. You're amazing.
Hey! You're going to jail for a very long time.
He's not gonna go to jail you know, he's a minor.
Well we'll let the jury decide.
There's not going to be a jury...
Then the Judge will decide where he goes!
He's gonna do probation, he's a minor...
Dave just let me have this!
News flash! We're screwed! We got a big problem with the library.
Punk ass book jockeys!
Wait why do we hate the library?
The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read which makes them very dangerous.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.