The new deputy director of the department is Tammy Swanson.
Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific! Or is that awful? I mean he hates her but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same?
Leslie. You're thinking out loud again.
Am I? I am.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.
Pawnee's Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang but instead of shotguns and crystal meth they use political savy and shushing.
Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. That is perfect! The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.
I have to go talk to her and you need to give me something I can use. Does she have any weaknesses?
No.
What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness.
Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.
On my deathbed my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time...Would I get married again? Oh absolutely. If you don't believe in love what's the point of living?
Hi I'm Leslie Knope, I called a little while ago.
You have a lot of nerve showing your face here.
Excuse me?
You have overdue book fees totaling three dollars Missy.
That is so typical! I should've known you'd use a low blow dirty pool BS move like that. That's why everybody hates the library! Here you know what here's your three dollars [throws a bunch of change on Tammy's desk] and I'll see you in Hell!
I want it to be a perfect park with a state of the art swing set and basketball courts. Off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.
Wow if I had a park like that when I was growing up I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase.
Well that's...that's the goal Tammy.
So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?
I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure. Look at Mark and me. We slept together, we talked about it, we're still friends.
You slept with Brendanawicz?
...No!
It's really good to see you Ron.
You've aged horribly.
You...son of a bitch!
That didn't take long.
Oh my God! What is your problem?! Nothing's changed has it!?
We didn't talk. We made love.
Oh my. Mmm. Good. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy—
It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began. You know what I mean?
Yeah...
Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have...that. The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.
This seems like a private matter, but I'm—
That woman really knows her way around a penis.
Why don't you take the rest of the day off?
...
I mean you spend so much time worrying about this park but, really who cares?
I care. I care a lot. That's kinda my thing. Remember?
But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a park or a museum or a mega-church.
...Or a library.
...Nobody said library.
Ron have you been talking to Tammy about the lot?
No, I swear on...a grave.
Oh my God! Ron! Tell me the truth. Are you giving her the lot?
Not giving. We have discussed a trade.
For what!?
[mumbles something]
Excuse me?
...More sex.
I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just using him to get Lot 48 for your library.
Leslie that's crazy...and correct.
Why are you doing this?
Les there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing, and then there are women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra, or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra.
[being interviewed] What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt!?
Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the Library Department. You should come join us sometime.
You've gotta help me break up with her.
I don't think I should get involved in this.
Oh now you don't want to get involved? "It's just coffee Ron!" "She's changed Ron!" "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends!"
So would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over or would you rather wait outside?
In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp.
Here's the ground rules: Don't talk to her, do not make eye contact with her, don't believe anything she says. Just sit there like a potted plant. Can you do that?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.