You know, in the 1880's, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The original title of this was "A Lively Fisting." But y'know, they had to change it for...obvious reasons.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Councilman Dexhart [at his press conference] And to my wife, I apologize. All I can say is I wasn't just having sex, I was making love to a beautiful woman...and her boyfriend...and a third person whose name I never learned. Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil. In my defense, it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hey hi there! What are you doing here?
Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to?
Oh I'm looking for scandalous information about my coworkers...for a game that we're playing.
...My taxes pay your salary right?
Yeah...
Cool.
And he looked up at me and he said "Thank you. You saved my life."
Yeah...Hey listen I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow night. Do you have like a first date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don't know, a pair of cargo pants?
Yeah I wouldn't go with the cargo pant.
What about like a sexy hat?
I don't know what that even is.
Helping already!
Hey while I have you, can I ask you a question?
Shoot!
What if he asks me if I've been married?
Have you!?
No.
Well then say that.
But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna say that I was married. The real question is should I say that I have kids? Guys like girls that have kids right?
Whoa.
What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?!
Okay you have a problem and this is how we're going to fix it-
I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a table nearby, you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. But let me tell you something Ann! It never works!
No No No. We are going to go to a restaurant and have a practice date. I will pretend to be Dave and you will practice on me.
Ohhh! That's a way better idea!
You're 20 minutes late, I almost left!
Okay. I was uh, dropping my niece off.
What's your niece's name?
Torple. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece...My niece's name is Stephanie?
Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.
That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.
Oh snap!
What?
You didn't know that, huh?
...I didn't know I was adopted...
What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen.
They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
[cut to Leslie being interviewed]
Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.
You know what, just ask me a question. Just try to get to know me.
Okay...I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry, my mind is blank.
Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.
How big is it?
...Really!?
Oh my God.
Sorry I had to get all medical on you but now you see that even if everything goes wrong, you'll survive.
Well well well, you coy bastard.
Well we went on our first date and I didn't even know it...AKA I nailed it. No fires, no ambulances, just good old fashioned showing up drunk at a guys house late at night...
Is it weird that my feelings are hurt no one's found any dirt on me yet? Hello! I drove a riding lawnmower through a Nordstrom! There's video...That I took...On the internet!
Hey can I smoke in here?
You don't smoke.
Just asking if I can.
Are you high?
I'm high on Kaboom. Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.
That's right you never did ask me for permission did you? Well I'm sorry to burst your ka-bubble but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the City Manager and now this entire department is ka-screwed!
...Ron I am so so so sorry!
What the ka-fuck were you thinking?
[Leslie is leaving voicemails for Andy. Jump-cuts between messages]
[beep] Andy, it's Leslie, what did you mean when you said it's your only option? I think we should talk without lawyers present. If you want to meet just put a white chalk X on the mailbox across the street from city hall...or call me back. Just call me back!
[beep] Andy why aren't you returning my calls? Is it because of your lawyer? It's because of your lawyer.
[beep] [in a fake accent] Hey Andy it's your aunt, your mom or dad's sister. I don't know how to tell you this but, your uncle has passed. He's with Jesus now. So we're having a memorial in 30 minutes at city hall...
[beep] HEY FREE GUITARS AT CITY HALL EVERYBODY RUN!
[beep] [in a robot voice] Because of a local disaster you...Andy. Dwyer...must go to the evacuation center at...Pawnee. City. Hall.
Hmm that was weird.
How long have you been there!?
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