The band has had a few different names over the years. When we started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat. Then we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes With Orange, then Everything Rhymes With Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis Pendulum, Handrail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Threeskin... [long pause] Oh, Jet Black Pope. We went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud I kinda hate it...
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Mark goes up to Ron]
Hey Parks Department.
Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister.
BBeth
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. You guys are together?
Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale.
BBeth
Tammy stinks.
[Mark goes up to Tom]
Brendanawicz!
Hey Tom.
Hey, I want you to meet my wife.
WWendy
Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford.
[shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi. You're...Tom's wife?
WWendy
Don't hold it against me.
Look at how hot she is! Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon! She makes a ton of money! BAM!
[Mark goes up to April]
This is Derek.
Cool. How long you guys been dating?
We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, but I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.
If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so.
I don't want to talk to you.
Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?
Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.
Pawnee has a gay bar?
Yeah, The Bulge.
EEveryone
...
It's behind my house.
The Bulge is a gay bar? Ugh the nights I've wasted there...
This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.
Hey.
Hey...oh...wait, sorry. What's the situation?
What do you mean?
How does this work?
Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.
DDerek
It's not that complicated.
Hey. Why are you all dolled up?
Oh it's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar tonight. I guess gay men are starting to like me. I dunno. I guess they think I'm fabulous or something...
Well you look good girl. You gonna turn somebody tonight.
Hahahahaha! [cut to Leslie being interviewed] That was hands down the best interaction I've ever had with Donna!
[drunk] You know why tonight's fun? Cause everyone's so gay. And they know how to have fun and the dancing...just everyone is just who they are. And who they are is just stone-cold gay.
Have fun last night?
I had three drinks named after me so that's pretty fun! Plus Ben and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday and we are gonna find out my actual bra size.
...
I guess I'm kinda like Queen of the Gays!
Bully for you. I just got a phone call. They want you to go on Pawnee Today.
Wow that's huge! What's the topic?
You. That Marcia Langman from the family thing is calling for your resignation.
No!
You gotta go on and defend yourself.
Why!? I haven't even officially taken a stand on gay marriage.
That's funny. Somebody just told me that you were Queen of the Gays.
...That was me.
So Marcia what's all this fuss about?
The fuss is that Miss Knope claimed that she was not advocating for this gay cause, and then that very night, she was the guest of honor at a pro-gay marriage rally at a bar called The Bulge.
Miss Knope, how do you respond?
I'd first like to say that I wasn't trying to advocate for anyone. I did not know that both of the penguins were males, and I was just trying to perform a cute, fun ceremony to promote our local zoo.
I have to say that that stunt that you did with the penguins was clearly over the line. Now, Marcia, what, if anything, can Miss Knope do to make it right?
Now Joan we don't want to be unreasonable.
Of course not.
We think that she should separate the penguins, annul the marriage, reimburse the taxpayers for the cost of the wedding, of course, and then resign.
[sarcastically] Oh! Is that it!? Anything else? You want me to jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri?
Move to a different town! No, I kid.
I would like to be President someday so no I have not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.
When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.
[April finds Ron still in his chair at the office]
Do you live here?
April?
Yeah. Do you live here?
No.
Catch. [throws a marker at Ron and it just hits him in the face] Yeah I thought so. I went home but I had this strange feeling that there was something wrong with you so I came back.
It's just a minor medical issue.
AIDS?
...No I'm safe.
Blindness?
...No.
Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?
I have a hernia.
Do you have syphilis?
I said it's a hernia.
I know. It's possible to have two things.
I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I didn't care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me. As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate. ...I don't want to talk about this anymore.
[Ron has a hernia and is waiting for April to return with a car and bring him to the hospital. April enters.]
Yo. I had to wait 'til my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. You ready?
I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.
I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.