[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]
EFElmer Fudd
[narrating] Time travel has not been invented yet, [cocks his gun] but in 30 years, it will be. [gunshot] In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. [Title Card: Wooper] The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
OEOld Elmer Fudd
[appears in the field] What are you waiting for? Shoot me!
OEOld Elmer Fudd
In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!
OEOld Elmer Fudd
Come on, give it to me. [crying] Pleeeease. [gunshot]
YSYosemite Sam
[appears in the field] I'll have what he's having. [gunshot]
[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words "That's all, folks!" appear in front]
PPPorky Pig
Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! [gunshot]
FFiona
The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!
FFiona
Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!
SShrek
Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. "Monster! Animal!", they yell. Then someone screams, "Kill yourself!" and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes "tot" and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!
FFiona
[with her mouth full] Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! [sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]
EExecutive
You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?
TWTiger Woods
I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.
EExecutive
Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.
[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]
SSingers
Welcome to the Golf Jam!
[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]
TTiger
Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. [falls down a large hole] What? Whoooooooa!! [lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters] Ow!
HHeathcliff
Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.
TTiger
[getting up from his fall and waving hello] Why, hi, Garfield.
HHeathcliff
I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.
CCleo
We need your help, Tiger.
TTiger
[enamoured with Cleo's beauty] I want to put my penis in you... [snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera] I mean, I love my girlfriend.
CCleo
We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.
TTiger
[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty] I want to hump your face... [flustered] I mean, help your face- [snaps out of it again] Help you, I will help you!
[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]
DPDork Punk
Let's tee off, DiC-heads!
[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautiful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]
HHammerman
If you sink this putt, we win!
TTiger
Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.
HHammerman
Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. [shows off his magic dancing shoes]
TTiger
[looks at Cleo] You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.
CCleo
Win the game and I'll blow you.
[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]
HHammerman
[rapping] Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!
[Cut to black with the bold white text "Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time." And Screen Cuts to static]
SShredder
The "Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball" is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. [surprised to see April's costume] Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as [bleep]!
AApril
Care to dance, Mr. Potter?
SShredder
WHAT?! [cuts to Shredder dancing with April] And, what's your costume?
AApril
Belle from "Beauty and The Beast", but a dick-slut.
SShredder
Is your favorite restaurant, Taco "Belle"?
[Both laugh]
AApril
You are hilarious.
SShredder
On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!
SAShredder and April
Toad the Wet Sprocket! [pause, they both kiss]
AApril
[feels the blade, and gasped] Wait. Are you-
SShredder
In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! [leaves]
AApril
[realizing] Shredder?
[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]
SShredder
Think of something poetic, Oroku. [to April] But soft, you are total boner food!
AApril
Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.
SShredder
People won't approve.
AApril
No one can keep us apart.
[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]
RRaphael
Aww, Hell to the No! [punches a brick wall with a grunt]
AApril
We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.
MMichelangelo
Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!
AApril
No. Just dry humping, and ball play.
RRaphael
Ball play?! [punches the same brick wall with a grunt]
SSplinter
You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.
[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]
AApril
[gasps] What are you doing here?
SShredder
I came to say "Hi", [lays down next to her] and also have sex after the whole "Hi" thing.
AApril
It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. [they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole] Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?
SShredder
Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. [farts]
[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]
DDonatello
April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.
AApril
Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! [walks away]
CCasey
Good start to my morning.
[Cut to April with the Rat King]
AApril
So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.
RKRat King
I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.
AApril
[pause, interested] Go on?
[Cut to April playing dead]
SShredder
[shocked] It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! [accidentally hits April with his spikes]
AApril
[wakes up in pain] Ow! Ow! Ow! What the [bleep]?! Shredder!
SShredder
[surprised] April! You're alive!
AApril
The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read "Romeo and Juliet", you [bleep]ing ass clown? [gags and dies]
SShredder
NOOOOOOO!!!!!! [a few seconds of silence] Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. [takes his CD back, and leaves]
PPicard
[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise] What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! [jerks awake] Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! [moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters] Captain.
JCaptain Jake
Capitan! [the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter] Night crew, maintain course. [cut to the Enterprise moving through space] Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! [starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]
NCNight Crew
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]
CLCommander LaFreak
Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.
JCaptain Jake
They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!
BDBorg Drone
Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.
JCaptain Jake
You want us to service you?
BDBorg Drone
Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! [Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused] Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! [the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]
CLCommander LaFreak
Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?
JCaptain Jake
[opens another can of beer] No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!
CLCommander LaFreak
We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?
JCaptain Jake
What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! [the night crew beam across to the Borg cube] Anybody order a partygram? [the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone] Wet t-shirt contest! [opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest] Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? [removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him] Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?
BDBorg Drone
Enough! Partying is futile! [jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins] Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! [grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it] Woo-hoooo! [the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]
JCaptain Jake
Now this, I can assimilate! [he and the drone hug]
[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]
SAStarfleet Admiral
Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. [hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]
PPicard
[fuming] NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! [everyone looks round nervously, until he grins] Beer me! [the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can] You glorious sons of bitches!
[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]
AAnnouncer
And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!
[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]
[jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah] This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!
BBBinyah-Binyah
Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!
[The policemen knock on the door]
I'll get it. [opens the door to show the policemen]
CWCop with Brown Hair
Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.
Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.
BBBinyah-Binyah
Binyah-Binyah!
CWCop with Brown Hair
Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.
NNatalie
[incredulous] What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.
CWCop with Brown Hair
Where did you find him?
VVanessa
Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!
CWCop with Brown Hair
I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. [pulls out a pistol] One...
BBBinyah-Binyah
[raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock] Binyah-Binyah!
CWCop with Brown Hair
Two...
BBBinyah-Binyah
[scared, waving arms] Binyah-Binyah!
CWCop with Brown Hair
Three!
FFrogman
[screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body] No! Don't shoot!
CWCop with Brown Hair
[still points pistol with other officer] Down on the ground, Frogman!
NNatalie
[disgusted] What's on his skin?!
FFrogman
Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! [is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house] Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!
[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch]
Kim Possible [Kim Lazers the window and opens it Lassos to go down] If I don't steal north korea's nuclear launch codes, it could mean world war III. [traps him in a cage] Ahh!
KJKim Jong-Un
[enters] Well, Well, Well, Have I caught the great Kim possible? Or am I just "kim-magining" things?
KPKim Possible
Kim Jong-Un, war is not the answer.
KJKim Jong-Un
How do you like my security system? I've made certain "kim-provements". [pushes a button and alligators attack Kim Possible]
B1Bionic-1
Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved our lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool, new powers as the Bionic Six!
[The children cheer]
M1Mother-1
Uh, hun, maybe we should be thankful we're alive and not...
R1Rock-1
You just got eighty-Bionic-Sixed!
S1Sports-1
[bat cracking] Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower-AAH! [gets riddled with bullets]
B1Bionic-1
Uh, his codename is Sports-1.
M1Mother-1
He was our son, and now he's dead! You asshole! We're getting a divorce.
K1Karate-1
WAA- [also gets riddled with bullets]
IIQ
You killed my brother! [crushes Rock-1]
IIQ
[crying] We never had any training... [crushes himself]
B1BIONIC-1
Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing...GUH! [gets riddled with bullets]
AAnnouncer
I AM OUT OF WORK!
[We see a boy that plays with a Bop It.]
[He presses the purple button.]
[He twists the yellow knob.]
[He pulls the blue handle.]
[He reaches under the button, replacing the handle with a rifle's butt stock and putting the handle and trigger next to the button.]
[He flips out the aiming scope above the button.]
[He extends the toy, replacing the knob with a rifle chamber, magazine, and loader, therefore completing the sniper rifle.]
[The boy empties the Bop It box to pour out four bullets, and loads one of them into the Bop It sniper rifle.]
[He cocks the sniper rifle so that it can shoot.]
BBoy
(reading from the instruction manual) "Your target is Senator Carlton McDougal; the fifteenth floor of the Gilmore building will provide an unobstructed vantage point." ?
BIBop It
Memorize it! Burn it!
[The boy seems scared at this, and then we cut to him standing in an office and holding the Bop It rifle out of the window as he pants in fear.]
[We cut to the view of the aiming scope over McDougal, where he is giving a speech to the public.]
BIBop It
Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
[The boy, shaking all over, puts his finger on the trigger.]
BBoy
I can't - I can't do it!
BBoy
I can't! I can't! I can't!
BIBop It
(louder than ever) Squeeze it!
[Not knowing what to do, he pulls the trigger and shoots McDougal in the head, killing him instantly, splattering his blood onto one of his bodyguards, shocking the bodyguards and his wife and greatly panicking the citizens. Another bodyguard dispatches security in his earpiece]
BBoy
Oh, Ahh! (close to tears) God, help me!
BIBop It
(now smoking) Beat it! Hoof it! Book it!
[The boy tries to run away, but two policemen come into the office, holding pistols.]
PPolice Officer
Who are you, and what are you doing?!
BBoy
(lying) Uh, I was playing with my toy--I-I-I want my mommy!
PPolice Officer
Why is your toy smoking?
[The boy tries to commit suicide by shooting himself through the mouth, but the cops grab him, hold him down, and handcuff him.]
PPolice Officer
Kid! Give me that Bop It, kid!
[He takes the Bop It sniper rifle, and then we cut the boy as the witness in a courtroom.]
JJudge
Is the mastermind behind the assassination in the courtroom today?
[We cut Bop It and its lawyer as the defendants with the jury behind them, the Bop It having gone back to normal.]
[The boy points to the Bop It, making the jury gasp, and then we cut to the Bop It in a jail cell with a prisoner that unzips his pants.]
BIBop It
(frustrated) Damn it!
[We end with static as always.]
