[At Santa's Workshop, the digital clock rings at 11:59 PM on December 24th]
[realizing that he overslept] JUMPIN' JAHOOFAH! It's one minute 'til Christmas?!?! [gets dressed up, tips the hat rack over trying to get his Santa hat, and bursts into the Workshop where all the elves were still making toys] PACK THE TOYS! GET THY LIST! And if those fleabags aren't saddled in 6 seconds, then get your ass under the mistletoe cuz' my boot's gonna give it a [bleeping]ing soul kiss! And WHO was in charge of my wake-up call?! [an elf raises his hand, and he smacks the elf to a toy counter. Meanwhile, outside, an elf ties all the reindeer together on the sleigh, and he arrives, stunned] Pack your [bleep] and get out. [gets into the sleigh with an elf] HYAH! [takes off while the elf starts crying. His watch reads 11:59:30 and counting] Holy, LET'S DO THIS!
[Santa and the elf start dropping presents. One of them crashes through the roof of one house, another crashes through a door, another crashes through a roof, and kills a guy in bed. Santa and the elf continue throwing the presents. One of them punches a hole in the ground where a nun riding a motorcycle falls into]
HMHomeless Man
Santa remembered me! [a present falls on him, and splatters his head off, killing him]
[Santa and the elf continue throwing presents until Santa throws the elf out of the sleigh]
[Santa realized what he had done, and continues this throughout the USA with explosion heard all over, and then he stops in the middle of a road]
BOO-YAH! 15 seconds to spare! I [bleep]ing rule! Santa Dance! [starts dancing like a rapper, until he realizes that there is one present left] Oh, no, you don't! You're not gonna [bleep] me! Santa's the one doing the [bleep]ing tonight! [in a Ferris Bueller reference, he runs towards the house with the present. He jumps over 2 fences running over anything in his path. But then stops to see a half-naked women, and smiles, then continues. He then stands on a garbage can lid, slides up a slide, jumps off a trampoline, and in super-slow mo, lands on his feet at the house. He tries opening the door, but it's locked] Uhhgh! Why won't this thing open?!
CMrs. Claus
[off-screen] UHHHGH! GET OFF ME! [we see Santa, who's really having a dream all along, choking her to death, unknowingly] SANTA! AAAHHGH! UHGH! YOU'RE HAVING A DREAM!!! [then 3 elves burst in with cattle prauds and zap Santa who lets go of her before fainting] I HATE Christmas! [the elves gasp] You heard me!
AAnnouncer
Welcome back to the "Justin Bieber Christmas Special With Love".
[Transitions to the stage. Justin Bieber walks on as audience members cheer loudly]
JBJustin Bieber
I love you all! [the guitar slides down to him while Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman join in] This is a song I wrote about Christmas, and how it makes my heart feel. [Frosty at the drums rhythmically click the sticks, then rapidly bangs on the drums. Heavy metal music starts] [Bleep] Christmaaaaaas! / [Bleep] Christmaaaaaas! / [Santa joins in] [Bleep], [Bleep], [Bleep], [Bleep] / I see those presents that you brought me!
FSFrosty and Santa
[Bleep] them!
JBJustin Bieber
I see that ribbon in your hair!
FSFrosty and Santa
I'll choke ya with it!
JBJustin Bieber
The Christmas card up on the mantel!
FSFrosty and Santa
It's a photo of my dick!
JBJustin Bieber
And all the stockings hung with care!!
FSFrosty and Santa
They're filled with my [bleep]!
[The female elves join the stage and dance in the background]
JBJustin Bieber
[Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]-[Bleep] Christmas!! [slams the guitar on stage. Grinds behind one of the female elves] Yeah! Oh yeah!
E1Executive 1
We never had this problem with David Cassidy.
E2Executive 2
Cassidy was a hack. Bieber is a [bleep]ing artist!
[Jason Bourne runs into the forest with his gun, and stops to hear the silence. And all of the sudden, Santa appears and tackles Jason. They're having a stand-off. Jason aims at Santa, who puts the candy cane in his mouth. Jason shoots Santa, but missed. Santa grabs the gun and knocks Jason down. Jason pulls out the knife, and starts attacking Santa by slicing the half of his hat. Santa charges at Jason with the pointy candy cane, but Jason gained his power, breaks Santa's arm, and stabs him in the stomach with the candy cane. He lays Santa down on the ground and backs away]
Boy, you're a hard man to find, Jason. [hands a present to Jason] Ugh, the list. Look what it makes me do. Look what it makes me do. [gags with blood and dies]
JBJason Bourne
[opens his present] Parcheesi!
[Open in on Statler and Waldorf in their box
SStatler
That movie was great. And by that, I mean great for a nap. Doh-ho-ho-ho!
WWaldorf
Yes, although I did think the main protagonist had some nuance moments, especially when the cinematographer switched to a wide-angle lens during the...
SStatler
I don't even know you anymore.
SSSassette Smurf
[The Smurfs collect and eat some smurfberries from the plants] Papa, we need to modernize! We should turn some of these smurfberries into preserves to avoid a future shortage.
Oh, how cute. Why don't you smurf along and roll a hoop with a stick, or whatever.
SSSassette Smurf
Actually, bitch, I think it's time for a NEW Papa Smurf. [Takes out a bow and arrow]
Smurf-what now? [Sassette shoots him in the head, and he dies. Sassette then puts on his hat]
SSSassette Smurf
Who's your Papa?! [Laughs evilly as she slices the beard off Papa Smurf's body as the other Smurfs groan in disgust. Then Sassette puts the beard on] WHO'S YOUR PAPA?!?!? [Smurfs bow down in fear]
GSGrouchy Smurf
I HATE kneeling! [Sassette puts her knife on his neck growling, causing Grouchy to piss his pants] I hate pissing my pants!
[We cut to two clowns who entertains kids at a boy named Timmy's birthday party]
HCHappy Clown
[honks with horn] Hey Sad Clown, why are you so sad?!
SCSad Clown
My wife died!
HCHappy Clown
[walks up to the sad clown and holds his hand near his mouth] Uh, that wasn't in the script.
SCSad Clown
I know! [starts crying loudly]
[The happy clown backs away]
[We start out in the Command Center with Alpha 5 and Zordon]
ZZordon
Alpha 5, Rita Repulsa's going to strike very soon, and we haven't recruited any new Power Rangers!
A5Alpha 5
I'm beaming up four young recruits. They already have color-coded costumes.
[In an instant, the Teletubbies are teleported to the Command Center]
ZZordon
Welcome, my new Power Rangers. What are your names?
TWTinky Winky
Hi. Tinky...Winky.
ZZordon
Uh, how long is this going to take? Ball park it for me.
[Po simply blinks at Zordon for a few seconds, irritating him]
ZZordon
JUST TELL ME YOUR NAME!
ZZordon
[worried] Guys, pick up the pace a little-
TWTinky Winky
Tinky. Winky.
ZZordon
Yeah, we've established your name is Tinky Winky! (being sarcastic) Ah, screw it! We gotta go! [we cut to the Teletubbies in another distant planet, and Eye Guy is shown in the distance] Okay, there's a giant monster approaching.
ZZordon
No, not hold hands!
TWTinky Winky
Hold hands!
DDipsy
[in Laa-Laa's voice] Hold hands.
ZZordon
[very frustrated] Call your Zords!
ZZordon
Yes! Now we're on the right track!
ZZordon
[in defeat] NO! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! [BLEEP] YOU GUYS! [teleports out of sight in fury]
[Eye Guy arrives and crushes Tinky Winky, Dipsy, and Laa-Laa to death beneath his foot with a squishing sound]
PPo
[confused] Tinky...Winky?
[The camera zooms into Po's belly, where static is seen and goes into the next segment]
[The sketch opens at the dining room table with Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Goofy and Clarabelle Cow seated around it]
MMinnie
So Goofy, did your parents take it okay when you told them that you and Clarabelle are together?
GGoofy
Well of course, Minnie. Why wouldn't they?
MMickey
Because she's a cow and you're a dog! It's-It's unnatural!
DDonald
Somebody finally said it!
GGoofy
But gawrsh, you guys, th-there isn't anyone like me out there.
MMickey
Well, there's Pluto.
[Cut to Pluto licking his gonads in the corner]
GGoofy
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. [leaves with Clarabelle]
[We cut to the clubhouse meeting with various Walt Disney cartoon characters in the audience]
MMickey
I move we vote to ban mixed-species couples from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Do I have a second?
CChip
No! You can't legislate love!
PThe Prince
Oh, really? Two confirmed bachelors who co-habitated their entire lives have liberal social ethics? Shocker!
PThe Prince
Get your story straight, fellas.
BBeast
Uh, just a reminder. I'm actually human under all of this, so Belle and I are cool, right, guys? [no response] Guys?
MMickey
All right, enough, enough. All in favor?
MMickey
The motion passes!
[The audience clamors]
WDWalt Disney
[steps out from behind] Everyone, please stop fighting! I, Walt Disney, created you to spread happiness to the world, not bigotry.
RUncle Remus
He sure did! Just look at me, Uncle Remus! You tells 'em, Massa Disney!
WDWalt Disney
I guess it's back to the grave. Disney out! [makes a Nazi salute and disappears as the crowd gasps]
[Cut to Elroy and Astro returning home after a field trip, George comes floating on a chair]
GJGeorge Jetson
Hey, Elroy. How was your field trip?
EElroy
Great, dad. We studied an abandoned ship and found a bunch of these. [holds up an alien egg]
GGeorge
Well! A foreboding alien egg! Let's burn it until there's nothing left but ashes. Anyone who doesn't do exactly that is the lowest form of fool.
EElroy
Aw, dad, can't I keep it?
GGeorge
Well, for the sake of entertainment, yeah, sure.
[The egg hatches a facehugger which crawls across the room and then proceeds to hump Astro's ass]
AAstro
Reorge! Rad ralien! Rad ralien! [George! Bad Alien! Bad Alien!]
EElroy
[walks the facehugger on a leash] Yeah, Astro, he is a pretty rad alien.
AAstro
Ro! Ranger! Ranger! [No! Danger! Danger!]
EElroy
Ranger's a great name. Good idea, boy.
AAstro
Ro! Ro! Ro! [No! No! No!]
GGeorge
Settle down! Go sniff another dog's butt or something.
AAstro
Rassrole. [Asshole]
[Cut to Jane, Judy, and George at the dinner table]
Now, Judy, your father and I are worried about how little you eat, so today you're having an entire breakfast pill, young lady. [puts a breakfast pill on Judy's plate]
EElroy
[enters the room with Ranger lying dead in his arms] Ranger slept on my face all night, and when I woke up, he was dead! It makes me so sad, I feel like my heart is gonna rip out of my-Ggggrrrhhh! [chokes and convulses in pain. Jane and Judy gasp]
GGeorge
Wow! You really are sad!
[A chestburster bursts from Elroy's chest, killing him]
Stop him, George! [George tries to catch the chestburster on a moving conveyor belt, but George gets stuck running in place at it, and the chestburster escapes in an air vent] Looks like we need a strong female role model to handle this problem. [strips down to a tank top and underwear]
GGeorge
You might want to stable that high horse, Jane. I'm getting some mixed signals here. [Jane and Judy arm themselves with guns, while George presses a button on his briefcase, only to find that it only contained papers] Aw, dang it.
[The now grown creature leaves the air vent and roars at George]
It must have had an inexplicably short growth span!
JJudy
On the bright side, it sure does move this story forward at a snappy pace.
GGeorge
[hits the creature with a rolled-up newspaper with a hit count] Hurry up! I've only got three whacks left!
[The creature kills George and knocks out Jane with its tail]
JJudy
[approaching the creature] Tall, dark, and mysterious? Oh, what a dream-
[But the creature impales Judy through the mouth with it's inner mouth, killing her]
RRosie
Get away from her, you bitch!
[Machine guns pops out from Rosie, and as Jane regains consciousness, the creature is shot by Rosie, causing it to bleed acid and fall down from the Jetson home]
AAstro
Reah. Rhew! [Yeah. Phew!] Rrraaarrrrggghh! [a chestburster bursts from hiss ass, due to Ranger humping him earlier]
You know, that's scary exactly once. [she and Rosie shoot at the chestburster, killing both the creature and Astro]
FFlik
[making a speech to the Circus Bugs] Everyone rest up! In the morning, we start the long trip home to confront Hopper and his evil gang! [hears loud music and cheering, and finds Mr. Mayfly having a party] Excuse me, Mr. Mayfly, can you keep it down? We have-We have a really big day tomorrow.
MMr. Mayfly
Oh, really? Well, my entire lifespan is three hours, so...[bleep] your big day!
MMrs. Mayfly
Oh, a man at last! I've already been alive a half-hour, and I need to get pregnant right now!
[We cut to Flik trying to sleep while the two mayflies make love; Flik is annoyed by their sex]
MMrs. Mayfly
Oh, my God, this is the best sex of my whole life! [laughs about this. The next shot is of her giving birth, making Flik cover his ears in frustration] Get it out of me!
[A handful of eggs come out of her as she screams; then we slide to the middle-aged couple arguing while Flik punches himself in the head]
MMr. Mayfly
Look, I've got at least 47 good minutes left in me, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna waste them!
MMrs. Mayfly
You're a midlife cliché!
[Flik groans and punches himself some more; the next shot is the elderly Mrs. Mayfly crying. Flik, still waiting for everything to be over, is in fetal position]
MMr. Mayfly
[depressed] Aw, what was the point of it all? LIVE, REPRODUCE, DIE?! IT'S A SICK JOKE! A SICK-! [gags and dies, making his wife follow suit]
FFlik
[looks at the dead couple; relieved] Oh, finally.
BMBaby Mayfly
[hatched from one of the eggs] WO-HOOOO! Party time, baby!
FFlik
[irritated] Oh, [bleep] me!
[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]
TPTommy Pickles
[holding his Reptar doll] Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll!
DPDidi Pickles
[enters the street, finding the babies] Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!
[We Cut to the Pickles' house]
SPStu Pickles
[opens the front door] Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?
DPDidi Pickles
Stu, a word. [they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut] What the [bleep]! Stu?!
SPStu Pickles
Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I still-
DPDidi Pickles
Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!
SPStu Pickles
I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-
DPDidi Pickles
[sarcastically] Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!
SPStu Pickles
[tearing up] Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God.
DPDidi Pickles
[enraged] What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!
[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]
SPStu Pickles
Didi, stop!
DPDidi Pickles
I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!
SPStu Pickles
[sobbing] I want a divorce!
[The babies look very devastated as the screen cut to static]
[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]
I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. [chuckles; takes off his pants] Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!
[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]
FSFarmer Smurf
So, you're my new intern, huh?
That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.
FSFarmer Smurf
Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!
[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]
[being filmed] We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! [milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore] Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!
FSFarmer Smurf
Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!
But our healthcare is smurfy, right?
FSFarmer Smurf
Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.
WHAT?! [cash register dings]
[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]
[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]
Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?
Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.
Actually, I'm not really qualified.
[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]
SSmurfette
We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!
Did someone get a sliver? [Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers] OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!
HSHandy Smurf
I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!
SSmurfette
You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?
I'll certainly try. [being filmed] I certainly tried.
[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]
SSmurfette
[crying] You can probably stop sewing.
No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. [walks up to Grouchy Smurf] So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?
GSGrouchy Smurf
I hate coffee!
Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?
GSGrouchy Smurf
I hate working here.
Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?
GSGrouchy Smurf
I hate Papa Smurf!
All right, what exactly do you do around here?
GSGrouchy Smurf
I-I hate stuff?
[puts on his red hat] I'm being deadly serious.
GSGrouchy Smurf
I...I... [cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside] I hate shoveling dog [bleep].
Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-[bleep] Smurf! [leaves]
[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]
LOLion-O
My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry
CCheetara
What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?
LOLion-O
"Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O". I hope you write that down.
SSnarf
I liked it. [Wilykat slaps him] OW!
[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]
GGrover
Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!
OOscar
Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.
GGrover
Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!
HHannah
Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?
OOscar
[Bleep] me! [gets back inside his trash can]
HHannah
[feels Grover] Ooh, you're so cute! [later that night] I really love how you don't play games, Grover.
GGrover
Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!
HHannah
[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off] Insult my parents! Oh yeah!
GGrover
Woah! [scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples] Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!
HHannah
And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.
GGrover
That is sad. [Hannah eats the apple] Uh...you're eating my props.
HHannah
I'm proud of my body.
HHannah
Ugh! Yeah! [shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]
CKCrypt Keeper
Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best "heller"! [laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover] This is actually Dan Brown's "Inferno." It's a piece of [bleep]. Our next tale is something of an "alle-gory"! You might say it's a "meta-gore"! [pause] Let's just roll it.
[Cut to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch "Season of the Bitch...Pudding" appears. We cut to inside the house, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]
GVGhostly Voice
[in his haunting voice] Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-
[wakes up] Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's [bleep]hole so I can jam your mama's [bleep] up there, you [bleep]-gargling pile of monkey spunk?! Nothing to say now, huh?
GVGhostly Voice
[off-screen] There's just a lot to unpack there.
Well, wake me up when you figure it out, [bleep] stick. [goes back to sleep. The next morning, she goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed. Annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them] BLAM! Where's your [bleep]-ass art project now, [bleep] nut?
GVGhostly Voice
[off-screen] It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! [cut to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping; in his haunting voice] Strawberry Shortcake!
GVGhostly Voice
[in his haunting voice] Get out of the house!
[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]
[breaks in through the window] Hey, [bleep]ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's [bleep]hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your [bleep]?!
GVGhostly Voice
[off-screen] Hey, stop talking about my dad's [bleep]hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.
Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a [bleep], [bleep] tits! DA-DA-DA-DAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Bitch Pudding! BLAM! [jumps out the window]
