Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Go Go, Gadget! Go Go!
[A bird cage pops out of Inspector Gadget's head as he rips his clothes off with only his shoes, golden underwear, and hat on and starts dancing while pop music starts. He groans and cheers; Zooms up on his underwear a couple of times]
[A boy and girl are standing next to a Christmas tree that has no presents under it]
[disappointed] Aww.
Mom and dad couldn't afford our Christmas presents because the price of gas is so high.
But I've been extra good. Swear I'm gonna [bleep] some [bleep] up next year.
[off-screen] Did somebody say "energy crisis"? [flies into the house]
Not in those exact words, Captain America.
The high cost of energy is crippling America, kids.
But what can we do?
We can lick this problem if we all do our part together. [stands next to the thermostat] Turn the dial down to 68 degrees, and we'll use less heating oil.
We're not gonna do that. My feet get cold.
Uh, okay. Next tip. [next to the TV, holding the plug in his hand] Electronics still use energy even when turned off. Make sure to unplug them.
That sounds exhausting.
Pass.
Uh... [we cut to outside, next to a clothes line full of clothes] Clothes dryers are 20% of a home's energy bill. Dry your laundry outdoors, and save power.
I'd never wait that long.
Nobody's gonna do that.
Oh, fine. [Bleep] you then. [throws his shield down, which breaks a window. He then storm off, getting caught in the clothes line and breaking it.
[Back inside mom and dad are awake]
Sorry we couldn't afford gifts this year, kids.
That's okay. It's enough that you don't force us to live like a bunch of broke-ass hippies.
Aww.
[We cut to Captain America, who is sitting in a chair with his uniform hanging on a clothes line outside]
[shivering] My feet are [bleep]ing freezing.
[In the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Noland is resting on the drift when Wilson the ball is accidentally set adrift on water]
[wakes up in panic] No! Wilson! [cries]
[At nightfall, Wilson floats across the Pacific Ocean, and stops in front of the fishing boat. The doctor notices the ball, and picks it up. We cut to the cabin where the doctor examines Wilson]
[to Wilson] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't try to move. You're still very weak. Tell me, who are you? [silence] Oh. You've lost your memory. [the fishing boat bumps at the harbor, causing Wilson to roll out of the boat] Wait! Wait, my friend! We can help you!
[Wilson rolled and bounced out of the harbor, and landed on the bench at the park]
[to Wilson] Hey, you bum! No loitering in the park. Come on. Let's see some I.D. [silence] Stand down, or I'll use force! [kicks Wilson who bounced at the bench and hits him in the face] Ow! [in his walkie-talkie as Wilson bounced away] All units, we have a fleeing suspect who's just attacked an officer.
[Wilson bounced and lands on the car seat inside the woman's car]
[startled] Aah! Oh! Don't hurt me! I'll take you wherever you need to go! [drives off with Wilson, only to be chased by the police] Why are the police after you? [silence] Oh, you're right. I do talk too much. I can't lose them. [switching seats with Wilson] Take the wheel!
[The car crashed through the bridge and splashed in the river, which is floating them away from the police]
Stop! Ah! They're getting away!
[relieved] You did it! You're amazing! Oh, [bleep] you cops! I've never felt so alive! [making out with Wilson; cut to living room where they entered] This is my brother's place, but he's on vacation right now. [then the SWAT team crashed through windows and surround them] Save us! [throws Wilson at the SWAT team]
I got it. I got it! [hits Wilson, as if playing volleyball]
[holding Wilson, as if the ball's trying to bite him] Oh, get it off me! Get it off me!
[holding the gun] Stay back! Stay back! Stay back! [shoots the ball, but accidentally kills SWAT team member 2 and falls out of the window]
[The grenade rolls out of SWAT team member 2's hand, and was about to explode]
[last words] Look out!
[The grenade explodes, sending Wilson out of the window; cut to Chuck and Kelly outside of her house]
Everyone thought you were dead. I love you, but I have a family now. [getting hit by Wilson] Ow!
[surprised] Wilson! I thought I'd lost you forever!
[in pain] Did you just hit me in the face? I am calling the cops! Ow.
[suddenly talking in his deep voice] No witnesses.
[about to strangle Kelly] No witnesses.
[Kelly gasps before going static]
[Azmuth, Gwen and Grandpa Max celebrate Ben's 14th birthday]
Happy birthday, young Ben Tennyson!
[gets a pair of socks] What's with the crappy gifts, Azmuth? Last time I got a watch that turns me into different aliens.
That was when you were Ben 10. Now that you're Ben 14, you get more grown-up gifts.
[gets a telescope] I saved the world like 40 times this year and this is what I get? This birthday blows.
It's not over yet. [cuts to him and Ben at a window] Here's your final present.
[The woman next door removes her towel and begins to shower]
Whoa!
That's for saving the world. Happy birthday, Ben 14!
[Ben gets excited for the gifts he received and continues to spy on the woman next door with his telescope]
[Two raptors are seen in the jungle]
I can't believe the Jurassic Park scientists made us all females! I'm gonna die all alone!
Crying won't help, there's no way to change it.
Wrong! Tonight, life finds a way. [the raptors are seen behind two cars heading towards a building. They hide and proceed to snap two workers’ necks. They then act as statues when some other scientists are walking by, The raptors go into the lab and mix some chemicals. When this is all done, the Raptors leave laughing. One day later. a male raptor emerges from a truck and walks to the two females] HE'S HERE! Finally, I'm gonna get married, have babies, and live happily ever after!
You got great legs, babe. What time do they open? [laughs]
[gasps] Asshole!
[There is a LEGO house. A LEGO car pulls into the driveway, and Bill gets out of it]
Finally, home to my perfect suburban paradise!
[Truck horn. Camera switches view to the house beside Bill's, Earl's house, which is a towering, exotic LEGO structure decorated with satellite dishes and a large propeller attached to the roof. Earl pulls up in that house's driveway, in a car with spaceship parts]
Hey, neighbor! Beautiful day, huh?
Ugh! Hi, Earl. I see you still have your satellite dishes up.
Yeppers. Of course, there's no point now that the cable's in, but they sure look slick, don't they?
And the propeller, any idea when that will come down?
[chuckles] Like I can just remove a load-bearing propeller.
Earl, dinner time!
Billy-boy, that's my cue. See you later. [enters his house]
[Bill has a disgruntled look on his face. Scene cuts to Bill and his wife having sex]
Argh! Yeah, yeah, no.
Ow, you're overthinking. Just put the knob in the hollow end.
I know. Just, [gets off the bed] oh, forget it.
[sits up, revealing her breasts] Come on, Bill. What's got you so distracted?
Nothing. Leave me alone.
Fine. I don't know why I work so hard to keep up this body if you never want to touch me. [leaves]
[Bill groans and looks at Earl's house. Scene cuts to Earl at his house]
Okay, love of my life, I'm off to work. [becoming shocked] Bill! What are you doing?!
[Cuts to an insane Bill driving a bulldozer]
Your house, Earl, it's gotta go!
[Zooms out to Bill being surrounded by LEGO police officers]
Sir, I repeat: Get out of the bulldozer!
Green brick, red brick, yellow brick, it's all coming down!
[The cops fire their guns at Bill, killing him. The bulldozer crashes into Earl's house]
Calm down, everyone. It's-It's over now.
Uh, chief, you should take a look at this.
[The camera switches view to the inside of Earl's house, which is full of LEGO heads. The cops gasp]
Oh my god, it's heads, people's heads!
Uh, so, you know... [laughs nervously, and tries to make a run for it, but the cops shoot him to death]
[It is revealed that a boy named Scotty and his friend are playing with LEGO bricks and acting out the scenario the whole time]
That's where all the head pieces went!? I've been trying to find - Scotty, you idiot!
What? It looks cool.
[She-Ra and Swift Wind are flying back from battle]
We did it, Swift Wind! The Horde won't bother us again anytime soon. Now let's turn back into plain old Princess Adora and her horse, Spirit. It's meatloaf night at the castle.
[They descend to land]
No, no, wait, wait! Let me land before you...
[About 5 or 6 feet above the ground, She-Ra turns them back into Princess Adora and Spirit. They fall to the ground, breaking one of Spirit's legs]
AHH!!! Oh, my god, bitch! I thought I told you to wait for 5 [bleep]ing seconds!
Spirit! [crying] I'm so sorry.
It seems like a simple rule of thumb [bleep] head! If we're in the air, I need my magic [bleep]ing wings! Now for the love of god, get me a [bleep]ing doctor.
[crying, pulls out her sword] A doctor can't help you! [starts to kill Spirit]
Hold up! Wait a minute! You [bleep]ed up the landing and I get the death penalty?!?!
A horse's broken leg will never heal! Almost 50% of a horse's bones are in its limbs. Besides which, 65% of a horses weight rests on it's front legs.
You've sure loaded up both barrels with a lot of high caliber euthanasia factoids, sister. Have you been planning for this?
It's just part of being a responsible horse owner.
[appears] Oh, my goodness! What's happened?
Oh, it's terrible, Castaspella!
That evil Hordak made us switch bodies again. I'm really Princess Adora, and she's really Spirit.
[literal minded] Well, that's easily remedied. Magical mind swap! [casts the mind swap spell]
Wait!
[The spell puts Adora into Spirit's body and Spirit into Adora's body]
[in Spirit's body] OW! My leg!
[in Adora's body] Well, you know, 65% of the bones, blah, blah, blah. [cuts off Adora's, in Spirit's body, head (the horse's head is cut off)]
Oh! But I-I'm magic! I could have fixed that in two seconds.
[in Adora's body] Eh. Who's up for meatloaf?
There once was a bird with a very happy life. He had a nice nest, a nice car, hot wife. But one day he gave his bedroom door a push to see a bird in her hand...and two in the bush. The next day at his job as a bird on the Wire. He showed up too late, and his boss said "You're fired!" On his drive home on the radio feed, "The fat pigs on Wall Street have all the seed!" [and on the TV, more menacing words: "This land's for the pigs, not for the birds!"] His nest repossessed, to his family a stranger. He felt a new feeling...could this be anger? He found other birds with ruffled-up feathers and said, "If you're mad as hell, then let's flock together!" They loaded him into a gigantic sling aimed at the palace of the evil Pig King. He sailed toward the tyrants, blocking the sun! The bird revolution had finally begun!
[Bird hits concrete, falls]
[sitting in his room, playing with an iPad] Aw, dang it.
[walking down in an alcohol aisle at a store, reading a shopping list] Soda, cookies, horchata... [crumples up the list and tosses it aside] BARF! [turns to the viewers] Help me out. Which beer has the highest alcohol by volume? [Blue computer cursor clicks on the larger bottle] Good choice!
Uh, Dora, you're not old enough to buy that.
No S-[bleep]-t.
Dora, please, no! It's wrong-
[stuffs another bottle inside Backpack's mouth, making her gag] Now let's complete this transaction! [runs out of the store]
Hey, stop that kid!
I need your help again. I need everybody to shout: Where my motherf-[bleep]ing map at?! [blue cursor clicks on her backpack] Aaaaaaaaw, yeah! [pulls Map out] Map, show me where to find my friend, Marcus. He's always holding. [winks]
I, uh...I don't know, Dora. [Dora tears down map] OOOUCH! [Stops it] Okay, okay! He's at the park on 12th, under the JUNGLE GYM!
He said he might have some "X," too. You can call me Dora... [Throws map away] the X-plorer! [Camera cuts to the high school party; she is to the viewers while drunk] Hey, I need your help! [gestures her friends] Paulo or Maria? [blue crusor clicks on Maria] No argument here. [starts making out with her as a group of men take pictures of them with their phones]
[lifting and looking under girls' skirts, chuckling] Just call me the "virginity" Swiper.
Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping.
You're too late.
Oh, man! [jumps into the girl's arms as they trip into the maintenance room]
[Harry Potter is sitting on a bed in his bedroom, A woman is in the doorway]
You wait right there, Harry. I'm going to change into something more comfortable.[leaves]
[pulls out his wand] Dungus stoutus. [taps his groin region and nothing happens] Oh, come on. Uh, beefus gurthus. [taps his groin region again and nothing happens] Polius maximus. [taps his groin region and a beanstalk shoots out and up into the air] AAAAH!! [cut to Hermione, who is sitting in a chair reading a book. Her phone vibrates and she checks it. It is a text from H "Chosen 1" Potter, who is really Harry Potter. Harry types "Hey, Hermione...". Hermione answers "Hey, what's up? Harry types "My dick turned into a beanstalk." Hermione gets a look of exacerbation. We cut back to Harry's phone. Hermione's screen name is Hermy "@Library" G. Hermione types the answer "Stalkus minimus"] Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minumus.
[The beanstalk recedes back into Harry's groin. Harry is relieved that it is gone. The woman opens the door wearing a red lace panty and bra set. Harry stands up to face her]
Now let me see what the famous Harry Potter's packing. [goes over to Harry, kneals down and opens his pants giggling] Why do you have a vag?
[We cut back to Hermione, smiling, picks her book up and starts reading again]
[A news room is shown where a newscaster is seen informing people about Godzilla's attacks on a map, with icons of Godzilla showing off where he attacked]
[panic mode] Godzilla has left the nation in ruins!
[Cut to Godzilla destroying the Hollywood Sign]
Oh, no! California's most treasured landmark!
[Cut to Godzilla attacking the Golden Gate Bridge and chomping onto a car]
Oh, no! California's most treasured landmark despite what those a-holes down in Los Angeles think.
[Cut to Godzilla in Chicago, dry-humping the Sears/Willis Tower, only to destroy it in the process with the pole on top of it]
Godzilla is pulling some hot stripper, pole action on the Sears Tower or whatever the [bleep] we call it these days, what is it? W-Willis? I'm hearing "Willis Tower".
[Godzilla is swimming away in the New York Bay]
And after destroying Manhattan, Godzilla is finally headed back out to sea. [Godzilla looks back and knocks over the Statue of Liberty with his tail] Oh! Total dick move by Godzilla!
Nowhere near water is safe!
[A group of people in congress are seen in Des Moines, Iowa]
It has never been a better time to be a landlocked state! Tourism here in Des Moines is through the roof! We're all rich!
[Everyone applauds]
[pulls out a phone and whispers into it] This is the mayor's assistant, Mr. G. Your check is in the mail.
[Godzilla is seen on the phone with the Mayor of Des Moines' Aid and chuckles confidently that it was them who were responsible for his attacks. A time card appears that reads "6 DAYS LATER" and Godzilla is seen holding a paper check]
[annoyed] Argh, how the hell am I suppose to cash this?!
[Luigi defeats a Koopa Troopa when Mario hits a block with his head, causing several coins to come out]
Ah! Wait a minute! Luigi, all-a these gold coins! They're everywhere!
[jumps down and hits another coin block] Why are we wasting our lives in the sewers? Our new lives are starting now!
[Transition to the scene where various Mario characters are near the spa]
[flying over Mario and Luigi] Mario, your new place is awesome! [crashes into a statue] Oh, sorry, bro.
[laughs] Hey-a, not to worry. There's-a plenty more where that came from. [begins hitting a coin block]
[Transition to another scene with Luigi and Birdo in a garage with 3 karts]
Me and-a Mario, we get-a used to the finer things. Now, how about you show me how to use that-a honker of yours.
Uh, I don't know.
[Luigi begins hitting a coin block, Birdo then walks towards Luigi's crotch, unzipping is heard]
Oh, ding-ding-ding! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Now, I'm-a sleepy.
[Transition to another scene with Mario, Bowser, and Peach on the front door]
Hey. You guys used to come by on a pretty regular basis, but I haven't seen you in awhile.
We take a-the lady. How about you order yourself a nice mail-order bride? [hits the coin block] Now scram, capiché?
[Transition to a scene with Mario and Peach in bed. The camera pans towards the left revealing Waluigi]
You-a were-a war-velous.
Oh, mama [bleep]ing mia.
[Transition to another scene with Mario and Luigi on a thrashed kitchen]
Mario, the mortgage, she's-a due!
[groans] Ugh. Everybody wants a piece of the Mario. [hits a block, but finds it empty. Hits another block, but it's also empty] Come on!
Mario!
Come on! Come on, you son of a b!tch! [starts crying]
[consoling him] Mario. It's-a over.
[Transition to another scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Bowser watching Mario and Luigi's mansion getting demolished]
Hey, any chance you want to kidnap me and put me up in your castle?
No way, princess. I'm spoken for now. [referring to a female Bowser lookalike with her breasts showing next to him]
[Transition to the last scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Baby Mario in what appears to be a original Home living room, now broke and wearing rags]
[talking to Baby Mario] And that's why daddy and uncle Luigi are plumbers and we live here instead of a [glares at Mario] big, fancy house.
Shut up-a your face!
I am Robin Hood! I steal from the rich and I give to the poor. [tosses the necklace towards the woman]
This necklace is covered in jewels. I'm rich!
Oh jeez, that's true. [shoots an arrow into the woman's hand into a tree]
AH! Me begging hand!
[steals the necklace from out the woman's hand] HAHA! Oh wait, If I steal from the rich, they become poor, and if I give to the poor, they become rich.
[Robot 1 and Robot 2 suddenly appear]
PARADOX! PARADOX! PARADOX! [ its head explodes]
In a town called Los Angeles, people felt groovy, for the Lorax had opened one hell of a movie. The studio's happy, the parties were tasteful, but poor Mr. Lorax found it all wasteful.
[confused] This sucks.
He complained, as they toasted Cristal.
They haven't been listening to me at all.
Then out popped the moolah, anmarvelous chap, while the Loraxnndroned on with his usual crap.nnMy name is the Lorax.nnI speak for the trees.nnBut the mubbulous moolahnjust did one of these.nnAnd, rolling his eyes, interrupted...nOh, please.nnOur planet is [bleep] and you'renearnest as hell, but thatnnhippity-dippity crap doesn't sell.nnWe can all make a difference,nno matter how tiny!nnHe said, and the moolah shot back...nGod, you're whiny.nnNobody likes a shrill liberal shouter.nnSo I fixed up your filmnwith my new message-outer.nnIt snipped out your message.nnDude, morals are lame.nnThe real money's made innthe merchandise game.nnAnd then, with a big, mightynroar from his trunk, appearednnHorton the Elephant washing his junk.nnOh, Lorax.nn...said Horton.nnI know how you feel.nnI once had a wholengoody-goody-type spiel.nnA person's a person no matter how small!nnLet me tell you -- that [bleep]ndidn't catch on at all.nnSo I got a new look, a newnname, something blunter.nnI've re-branded myself nownas Horton: Who hunter.nnFrom the shadows, the catnin the hat overheard andnnapproaching the Lorax said...nWhat up, nerd?!nnYou taught the kids to responsibly play.nnBut the cat in the hat said...nThat crap didn't pay!nnForget cleaning house.nnI'm straight cleaning up, guy!nnNow I'm off to go hang with Jamiroquai.nnI'm living the dream, and ifnparents are pissed, they can putnnin a call to my new publicists--nthing 1 and thingnn2, they're both on my payroll.nnThe Lorax was stunned.nnHoly crap!nnWhat an a-hole!nnNo more!nn...said the Lorax.nnNo more of these speeches!nnHow 'bout just one more?nnYou remember the sneetches?nnWe once had a message, andna good one, too, bro.nnBut did we get a movie?nnWell, did we?nnAll: Hell, no!
We tried to teach tolerance, and where did that get us? So [bleep] it! We'd rather make mountains of lettuce!
There's my house. It's 12 stories with 40 jacuzzis, 6 cars, 19 butlers, unlimited floozies. It's what it's about, ma'am. It's capitalism.
And the Lorax responded with geysers of jism. Thanks to the moolah, that marketing whore, he could finally see what he hadn't before.
I'll get me an agent, an accountant named Herschel, a toyline, a lunchbox, an iHop commercial.
Then the Lorax got rich and was totally stoked -- till the day he contracted AIDS and then croaked...
WHAT?!
To infinity and beyond!
[Buzz flies throughout lightspeed for a long time period at several beats. Then cut to a text card reading:]
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR DIDN'T KNOW THAT
IT IS BY DEFINITION
IMPOSSIBLE TO REACH INFINITY.
HE KEPT FLYING FOREVER
AND WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN.
[After-credits. Buzz still remains at the same frame of the longest beat while flying through the lightyears.]
...Jeez, I shoulda packed a lunch.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
