PPPrincess Peach
Mother, Father, this is my boyfriend Mario.
[Chimeb plays]
QQueen
Charmed to finally meet your acquaintance, Mari- [back away] Oh! Did a pig [bleep] out a dead fetus in here?
[sniffs] Oh-ho-ho! I beg-a your forgiveness. I come-a here through the sewer line. [chime plays] Eh?
PPPrincess Peach
Mario's a plumber.
KKing
So he commutes through human waste?
PPPrincess Peach
And he's Italian.
KKing
Oh, okay. Say no more.
[Chime plays; cut to the Royal Living Room, Mario searches for something in a sofa]
QQueen
Did you lose something, Mario?
Hey, hey! I-a found-a one! [holds up a coin]
QQueen
[chuckles] Yes, in OUR sofa.
[Mario puts the coin in his pocket]
[Cut to the Royal Dinner Room]
So I says, "Eh, paisan, toilet paper and-a paper towels - They ain't the same thing!" [laughs]
QQueen
[sarcastically] Mmm, another clogged toilet story. What a delightful compliment to our mushroom soup.
[shocked] Mushrooms?! Ay-yi-yi! [sneezes, and grows bigger]
PPPrincess Peach
Remind me to bring mushrooms on our honeymoon.
I'm so sorry. I have a few allergies. [slides towards the wall, bumps into a flower, and turns into Fire Mario] Mama mia! Flowers! [starts to sneeze fireballs. One hits the drapes, and one the Queen's dress]
QQueen
Oh! My drapes! My meat drapes!
KKing
Both equally dusty.
Ay-yi-yi! [sneezes, and accidentally bumps into a Koopa shell, which bumps into three blocks]
[We then hear the Game Over music as the castle goes under]
[We see Frodo and Sam at the cracks of Mount Doom. Frodo is about to throw the One Ring into the fire]
SGSamwise Gamgee
Throw it in the fire, Mr. Frodo!
FBFrodo Baggins
No! The ring is mine, Sam! [puts the ring on his finger, which makes him invisible]
GGollum
[appears and jumps on the invisible Frodo] My precious! Give us back my precious! [starts to bite on the invisible penis, mistaken it as Frodo's finger, starts sucking it up, and spits it out] Bleh! We found hobbitses' finger, but where is my precious?
FBFrodo Baggins
[while being invisible] It's there. It's-It's just further back. [Gollums tries again, and starts choking again] It's there. Yeah, right there.
FBFrodo Baggins
You'll have to use your tongue and get it all wet. [Gollum tries again, and gags] You're almost there. Just a little more. [Gollum starts sucking it all up] Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Yes! The Shire!
GGollum
[spits everything out, gags, and cries] Where's precious?!
FBFrodo Baggins
[becoming visible again, and hands Gollum the ring] Here. You've earned it.
GGollum
[takes the ring] My precious! [laughs, puts on the ring, which also makes him invisible for a moment, then takes it out and drops it on the ground] Oh? [kicks the ring with his foot to Frodo] Whoopsie! If Hobbitses puts my precious on, we will have to try and takes it again, won't we?
[During Transfiguration lessons at Hogwarts]
MMcGonagall
Alright, students, spells ready? Begin. Miss Granger.
MMcGonagall
Mr. Longbottom.
NNeville
Orc-uh...Orc-uh...Orc-hoo-dious. [his arm suddenly turns into a evil monkey who starts to eat his face]
MMcGonagall
What happened?
His spell! He was only off by one syllable!
MMcGonagall
Ah, yes. The spells "orchideous" and "orchoodious" are very similar. Do be careful.
[School bell rings, cut to Snape's lesson in potions class downstairs in the dungeons]
SSnape
Finally, add two drops of Wolfsbane extract to your potion. I hope everyone understands. [the students just look at him and not doing anything] Well? What are you waiting for?
We usually don't start until you insult Harry.
SSnape
Am I really that predictable? Very well. Potter, you fool!
[The students start to mix potions]
[after mixing his potion] Well, bottoms up. [drinks it]
How much drops of wolfsbane extract did you use?
Uh, three? [his jaw suddenly contracts and his teeth fire off the gums before his head explodes, killing him]
Professor Snape, what happened?
SSnape
He used too much wolfsbane extract, it looks like.
He used one extra drop! That margin for error is pretty bloody slim!
This spell's supposed to change our eye color. Why would we risk exploding skulls just to change our eye color?
SSnape
Uh...Potter, you fool?
[Cut to McGonagall, Snape and Dumbledore talking in a classroom]
MMcGonagall
Well, it's understandable, we're teaching children a deadly art, after all. It's like trying to teach cats how to disarm landmines.
[No students are in the classroom]
SSnape
Uh...Where are all the students?
[Cut to the American school]
GGirl
Ha ha! We all called her a slut on Facebook!
TTeacher
Children, I have some sad news. Her-my-one Granger hung herself.
[All the kids starts to dance, while Harry hides his face in his arms]
[A parody of the "Be Our Guest" song from Beauty and the Beast is shown, as Lumiere, Cogsworth, Ms. Potts and Chip appear on the table]
LLumiere
[sung] So you're dining with a beast/That doesn't mean you shouldn't feast.
CCogsworth
Let us handle reservations/give your taste buds a sensation!
[A chamber pot appears]
DDefecacci
[butting in] Have your fill, eat more still/There's no need to slow your pace.
After dinner, you'll be thinner/once you sit down on my face.
LLumiere
[pushes Chamber Pot away] Have some seconds/eat a lot-
DDefecacci
Then come meet your chamber pot...
Lumiere [speaking, as music stops completely] Excuse me, we are trying to serve dinner here!
DDefecacci
What? Defecacci doesn't get to sing along? I'm a person too! Defecacci never asked to be a chamber pot!
LLumiere
None of us asked to be stuck in the form of household items, but people are eating!
DDefecacci
Oh, so she gets to meet Defecacci after dinner, eh? I have to live a solitary existence punctuated by people pooping in my-
LLumiere
[angrily] I said, people are EATING!
DDefecacci
[bounds away in a huff] Dah, porca miseria...
LLumiere
OK, let's just get through this dinner, so the Beast can bang this bitch and...Belle? Where did Belle go?
[Cuts away to Belle crapping into Defecacci]
DDefecacci
Ring the bell, sound the horn!/Looks like someone's eaten corn.
BBelle
[in disgust] Does everything have to be a [bleep]ing song?!
PMr. Phillipson
[discovering his sex client is a duck] Holy [bleep]! You're a duck!
DDDella Duck
That's right, baby! Now why don't cha ruffle my tail feathers?
[Mr. Phillipson looks at della's butt]
PMr. Phillipson
Why are you, a duck?! Oh my God!
DDDella Duck
I'm what you ordered.
PMr. Phillipson
I did NOT order a duck!
DDDella Duck
I'm not sure how they could have misunderstood that request.
PMr. Phillipson
Oh gee, I wonder what word an escort service might have mistaken for "duck" on a bad cell phone connection?!
DDDella Duck
[sighs] Well, fine. But you are still going to have to pay me for your time.
PMr. Phillipson
Ah, I don't know why I need to pay to not [bleep] a cartoon duck. Normally, not [bleep] a [bleep] duck is [bleep] free.
DDDella Duck
[dials her cell phone] We have a problem.
PMr. Phillipson
Who are you calling?
[Della's bodyguard bursts in]
SStedman
[in a stereotypical gangster patois] Have we got some sort of problem?
PMr. Phillipson
Look, I don't want any trouble. I just think the misunderstanding was on your end...
SStedman
Just pay the duck!
PMr. Phillipson
Whoa, it's not fair! I shouldn't have to pay- [starts getting beaten up]
DDDella Duck
Whip his ass, Stedman. Whip his ass!!
[Kratos is slicing away at several enemies in front of a castle building]
KKratos
I, Kratos, the God of War, feed the Blades of Chaos with the blood orbs of your souls! [walks in and finds himself in a bedroom where a naked man and woman are waiting for him]
AArtemis
[voice] Quickly, Kratos! Pleasure your lovers and receive a bounty of blood orbs!
KKratos
Uh, one of them's a dude.
AArtemis
What's the problem? You're in Greece.
KKratos
I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH A DUDE!
AArtemis
Surely, you would let him watch if I offered you 1000 blood orbs.
KKratos
[thinking] The Blades of Chaos are thirsty...I could not turn that down.
AArtemis
We'll make it 1,500 and he gets to play with your balls.
KKratos
What? Who do you think I am?!
AArtemis
We already established that. Now we're just negotiating.
KKratos
Oh, I see what you did there. Very smug and demeaning.
AArtemis
I'm just going to throw this out there. 2,000 blood orbs, anything goes.
KKratos
Alright. [pauses] You're not going to watch, are you?
AArtemis
Only as long as I need to.
DEDora The Explorer
[as she and Boots are climbing Mt. Everest] My name is Dora the Explorer, and I fear this mountain may be my grave.
[Dora and Boots come across a snowman in their path]
BBoots
A snowman? I love snowmen!
Is there anything you don’t love, Boots?
BBoots
[thinking] Tell her, man! Tell her her hair looks like Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men! This is your chance, Boots! Don’t puss out! [to Dora] Nope! [thinking] You pussy...
[Dora and Boots walk on, passing the snowman. Suddenly his black eyes pop off, and he collapses, and is in fact Swiper the Fox. Swiper proceeds to swipe something from Boots, but Dora is quick to notice him.]
[quickly sees Swiper, stopping him] Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!
[freezing up] B-but Dora, I'm dying! I have severe altitude sickness!
[pulls down her scarf to reveal a grin on her face and points to it] See this face?
This is my not-giving-a-fuck face!
[holding up her gloved hand] Here's another choice for you. Guess which finger? I hope you guessed the one that means fuck you!
[Dora and Boots make it across the drop via a zip line. Boots climbs onto the other side when Diego appears on the opposite one.]
[Diego jumps and clings onto the rope halfway between the two sides, but due to his weight, the pole that holds one side of the rope begins to break off.]
DDiego
[frightened] Wh- what was that?
[The pole starts to break off a bit more.]
Where is your safety harness?
[Swiper appears on the other side of the drop, apparently having stolen Diego’s harness.]
We did it! [the Fiesta Trio jump up from nowhere and celebrate with them, but suddenly get totally frozen! Dora grabs one of the members and eats him, gushing green blood out and making Boots gasp] I'm an explorer. Food is food. [grabs another one and eats him as Boots watches in shock. We then cut to the duo walking back down the mountain to see Swiper right where they left him; Swiper is now shivering and frostbitten all over]
[shivering] H-H-Help...m-m-me...
[whispers] Got you something. [puts a gun in Swiper's hand with it pointing to his head]
[pulls the trigger twice, but the gun just clicks; whispers back] You bitch! [Dora pulls her scarf down and grins at him; She and Boots walk on, again leaving Swiper all alone. He looks off into the distance and sees the Grim Reaper coming towards him through the blizzard] R-R-Reaper, no r-r-reaping...R-R-Reaper, no reaping...Reaper-
GRGrim Reaper
Doom! [walks closer to him and pokes him on the head, killing him instantly, and a ghastly scream is heard. The Grim Reaper then chuckles in happiness to end the sketch]
[Grim Reaper has just killed an old woman named Gladys in heaven] You can't do that!
You can't die in heaven, Dad! Tell him!
GGod
Actually you can. You see, if you die in heaven, you go to-Super Heaven.
GGladys
[playing an electric guitar while riding a motorcycle as fireworks go off] Super Heaven is awesome!!
[We start with Alistair Cooke from "Masterpiece Theater" explaining about J.R.R. Tolkien to the audience]
ACAlistar Cooke
When "Lord of the Rings" author, J.R.R. Tolkien, passed on, many thought Middle Earth had come to an end. But recently, researchers found a half-finished manuscript, a sequel to "Lord of the Rings". When, on direct orders from Tolkien's will, his 6-year old grandson, J.R.R. Tolkien Jr., Jr., finished the novel, and the movie was made, fans hoped Middle Earth would rise again! Now here, we present a never before seen sneak peek of "Lord of the Rings: The Final Journey".
[The title briefly shows on screen; the preview starts in Hobbiton with Merry and Pippin]
PPippin
Aw, Merry, I miss Mr. Frodo already.
MMerry
Me too, Pippin. Frodo was a dear, dear friend. I like to eat poop. Hey, look, it's Gandalf!
GGandalf
[rides up to the Hobbits on Shadowfax] Merry, Pippin, we are not safe! A dark menace rises to the east! Duckies go "Quack!" [a rubber duck jumps on the bottom left side of the screen for a second] Cows go "Mooooooo!" [a small cow appears on the center right side of the screen for a second] I want ice cream! [a small pig appears on the center left side of the screen for a second, and then he takes out two ice cream cones] Verily, will you hobbits join in my quest?
MPMerry and Pippin
Yes, Mr. Gandalf!
GGandalf
What about you, Hannah Montana?
HMHannah Montana
[singing to electronic music] I like macaroni and cheese!
GGandalf
I want poop! [we slide to a card that says: And..., and then to a bunch of fighter aircrafts with the characters inside] These F-16s will take us as far as the Erendor river, then we'll have to find the bridge of Larakaei.
MMerry
Quickly! Everyone make jet noises with your mouth!
[Everybody starts to imitate the sounds of jets with their mouths]
GGandalf
Moooooooooo! [we slide to another card that says: And now..., and then to the group inside a volcano and fighting a monster that resembles a peanut butter and jelly sandwich] The three-headed peanut butter and jelly monster is too powerful! And I like to eat poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop...
PPippin
I don't want to do my homework.
[Record scratch]
MMerry
Let's all sing "The Muffin Man"!
EEveryone
[singing] Oh, do you know the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man? Do you know the muffin man...?
[Then a bunch of random creatures from the previous seasons suddenly appear, and many cartoon noises are heard]
GGandalf
You shall not...poop, poop, poop, poop, poop...
[We cut back to Cooke]
ACAlistar Cooke
[shocked and confused] I'm sorry; what the f-?!
[The screen goes to standby mode, and the channel flips to the next sketch]
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
Send in the next candidate for building the bomb.
DBDoc Brown
[enters with his files] Great Scott! My name is Dr. Emmett Brown. My Résumé is in here somewhere. [sits down]
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
[reads Doc's files] "Attended M.I.T., inventor, professor". It says here that you're inventing the time machine?
DBDoc Brown
Not to worry. It doesn't run on the plutonium. Definitely don't need plutonium for the time machine.
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
[about Doc's hair] Your crazy hair makes you look smart, like Einstein. [chuckles; but serious] But Einstein was a Jew!
DBDoc Brown
That's why I named the dog Einstein. [laughs nervously]
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
Oh, that's good.
DBDoc Brown
I've actually been sending Einstein on some trial runs in the time machine that needs plutonium- [realizes] doesn't need plutonium. I don't have a time machine. Now let me ask you a question about the plutonium. Does it fit in the engine valve of a 1982 DeLorean?
LTLibyan Terrorist
[to the leader; about Doc] I like this guy.
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
[to the terrorist] I have a good feeling about him too. [to Doc] Congratulations! We have chosen you to build the bomb!
DBDoc Brown
[smiles] Great! Just let me get that plutonium, and I'll be back in 5 minutes with your bomb. [5 minutes later; pushing the entire pinball machine to the terrorists] And here you go. Here's your bomb. Nice working with you, guys! See you later. [leaves]
LTLibyan Terrorist
[suspiciously] Hey, this looks exactly like the pinball machine from the staff lounge!
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
[realizing that they've been tricked] Damn it!
[Scene starts in cartoon animation. Family has a picnic while a bush moves towards them. A hand reaches out and snatches the picnic basket. Yogi Bear pops out of the bush]
YBYogi Bear
Hey, hey, hey! I avoid starvation for another day! [runs for it, but accidentally bumps into Ranger Smith]
RSRanger Smith
Sorry, Yogi, but if you steal one more basket, it's my job.
YBYogi Bear
You'll never catch me! I live the life of the free! [He runs for it]
RSRanger Smith
Not this time, Yogi. Ho-chi-ya-cha-rooo!
[Rock-like music plays as Ranger Smith is struck by a bolt of lightning. The scene becomes live-action as Ranger Smith turns into a Power Forest Ranger. Yogi (still in cartoon form) stares in shock as four other Power Forest Rangers jump out from behind Smith. The Power Forest Rangers charge as the scene cuts to the cartoon Yogi Bear]
YBYogi Bear
Quite a surprise. But try this on for size! [He stamps his foot as his eyes turned red and cartoon smoke covers the background. It then changes into live-action smoke and he appears as a live-action villain] Hey, hey, heyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
[Power Forest Rangers battle the live-action Yogi Bear while the chorus is singing "Yo! Yo! Power Forest Rangers". Scene cuts to cartoon Boo Boo Bear, hiding in a bush and watching the chaos around him with fright]
BBBoo Boo Bear
WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS HAPPENING?!!?
[Power Forest Rangers and Yogi Bear continue fighting, then the scene cuts to a man at a table with several Japanese men]
MMan
And that is how you bring Yogi Bear to Japan. You're welcome.
[The Japanese men exchange glances with each other before getting out of their seats and leaving. The one closest to Man puts a sword on the table before leaving with the others. The Man looks down and sighs sadly]
[Wile E. Coyote is chasing the Road Runner on rocket powered roller skates. The Coyote crashes into a fake tunnel. The Road Runner holds up a sign saying "Fake Tunnel" & the Coyote holds up a sign saying "No shit".]
RRRoad Runner
Meep Meep! [runs off]
[The Coyote feeling sad holds up different signs saying "What am I doing in my life?". He tosses signs reading "I will catch him", "Its what I was meant to do", and "My life has a meaning" into a fire. The Coyote finds a box saying "Acme Suicide Kit", containing plastic bags and duct tape, to which he holds up a sign reading "$149???" The Coyote puts a plastic bag on his head, wraps the tape around his neck, & suffocates. At a church the Road Runner goes to the Coyote's funeral]
RRRoad Runner
[sadly] M-meep Meep.
[The Coyote reveals that he is not dead, holds up a sign saying "Fake funeral" & kills the Road Runner by shooting him with a flame thrower. As the Coyote is eating the Road Runner, he holds up a sign saying "In case you were wondering...", then turns it around, revealing, "...yes, I have an erection."]
HAunt Hilda
What were you thinking, Sabrina?! Using your magic to turn Harvey's hair purple?!
Here's a better question, Aunt Hilda: If you know magic, why are you still fat?
[Sabrina gives a thumbs up to the camera, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]
Season one callback, jerks! Woohoo! [slaps Salem out of Aunt Hilda's arms]
