[Chelsie and Grandma are knitting]
Ma, don't teach Chelsie that girly crap! This isn't the dark ages. [gives the Barbie doll to Chelsie] Here.
GGrandma
Ohh, and the fashion doll with big watermelon boobs teaches the right lessons, huh? That's-That's what going on?
Barbie is a frickin' race car driver these days, Ma! She bungee jumps in Paracelsus, and I think there's even a bomb disposal robot accessory.
CChelsie
Thank you for the Barbie. [pulls the sting on the Barbie's back]
BBarbie
[voice box] Girls could do anything. Especially, men. Let me be absolutely clear about that.
CChelsie
All right, Barbie! Lets have adventures!
[One hour later, the Doctor pulled the blanket to show Mom and Grandma that Chelsie died]
[gasps] That's her! That's my little girl... [crying]
GGrandma
How did this happen?!
DDoctor
Well, Chelsie's race car hit the wall in its speeds in excess of two hundred miles in hour. So, pfft.
GGrandma
Race car?! Where did she get a race car?!
DDoctor
Girls these days have all sorts of adventures, mam. This isn't the dark ages.
GGrandma
She was eight years old!
At least, she died doing what she loved, Ma!
GGrandma
SHE LOVED KNITTING!
DDoctor
Yes, that's lovely. Now, that you could fill out some forms. [walks with Chelsie's mom]
GGrandma
[crying] Oh, Chelsie. [to the destroyed Barbie doll] This is your fault! [crying] Whore!
[The screen zooms horrifying with the evil laugh sound]
GGGraph Guy
Our cereal sales are WAY down! What do we do?!?
IEInternet Executive
I've got 4 words for you: Sugar, Internet, Viral, Video, and some punctuation: EXCLAMATION POINT!
[Music Begins: Download the Free MP3. Some rights reserved under creative commons license]
CVCocoa Vampire
Oooooooooo...Chocolate Grain [Subscribe!], Bits of corn, Marshmallow, other stuff. [breathing away from mic. Yes, vampires do breathe] Chocolate grain, 5 times more sugar than Choco Puffs. Chocolate grain, tell your parents it's what they should buy. [Buy the SHIRT!] Chocolate grain, so much sugar you'll get crazy high. Chocolate grain, if you have diabetes, stay away. Chocolate grain, it's something that our lawyers made us say. Chocolate grain, the 'mount of sugar will drive you insane. Chocolate grain, 100 percent sugar, zero grain!!!
GGGraph Guy
Sales for Cocoa Vampire are through the roof! What else ya got?
IEInternet Executive
Well, for Fruit Monster, how about a video called, "Two Berries, One Cup?" I've put together a rough demo. Roll it!
[The executives, except for Internet Executive, vomit]
I've followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-face, and this time I'm bringing you down!
TFTwo-Face
Not so fast Batman! Your fate lies in a flip of this coin, heads you live, tails you die! [flips coin, it comes up tails] Huh, death! [Batman lunges at him, accidentally pressing his face against the burning hot chocolate mixer] AAAAHHHHH!!!
TFTwo-Face
Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name. [turns to reveal a second burn mark over half of his already burned face] Three-Face! [pulls out a three-sided die] This is my three sided die, one you live, two you die, three we drink hot chocolate together. [rolls his three sided die, it comes up a two] Oh, uh, looks like you're gunna three sided DIE! [lunges at Batman, he slips trying to get out of bed]
Watch out for that bleach!
TFThree-Face
[falls face first into a tray with various liquids on it, a bottle of bleach shatters and hits him and the bleach gets on his face] AAAAHHHHH!!!
[meets Three-Face on top of a roof] Three-Face, I'm really sorry about the hospital.
TFThree-Face
Call me by my real name. [turns around to reveal a fourth burn on the good half of his face] Four-face! [pulls out four straws] I'm holding four straws in my hand, if you choose the shortest one you die! If you choose the longest one you live! The other two will determine whether I throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.
Alright Four-face I'll play your game! [hesitates on his first try and picks a straw on his second]
[Cut to the diner where Four-Face and Batman are enjoying a rather pleasant meal, Four-Face is enjoying a steaming cup of hot chocolate and Batman is sampling the diner's soup]
FFFour-Face
Oh, OH! This is really good hot chocolate!
Hmm...The soup's not bad either.
FFFour-face
Oh yeah, can I try some? [grabs for Batman's soup]
[tries to stop him from taking it, fearing that the soup is too hot for Four-Face] WAIT, HARVEY! NO!!
FFFour-Face
[the soup splashes against Four-Face's face burning him on contact] AAAAHHHHH!!!
JHJim Henson Company Executive 1
Ah, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed!
E2Executive 2
Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.
E1Executive 1
We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets.
[Cut to the next scene, where Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit]
JJen
Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark...Crys...tal! [the UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways] Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thura, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of the Crystal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, the Crystal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh snap! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! Bottle got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. They were a bunch of Mystics who like to sit around and hum... [the UrRus start humming rhythmically] Ah, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C-R-Y-S to the T-A-L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell!
[Jen is seen rapping along with other characters from the film]
JCJen and Chorus
Whole world is ugly, no one's sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the land of Thura, I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of the Crystal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.
[Jen and Kira are seen riding on Landstriders, and they encounter the Skeksis. Jen is seen leaping into the air, and places the broken shard onto the bottle. Jen is seen rapping again as the world's former glory is restored]
JJen
Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is [bleep]ing hot!
JCJen and Chorus
Yeah, this party's a blast, the Crystal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Crystal. More people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go... [The UrRus start humming rhythmically]
CChorus
That's the end of the Dark Crystal...
[Cut back to the executives, who are standing in front of a portrait of Jim Henson]
E1Executive 1
Well, we failed you, Jim.
[The executives commit suicide by drinking poison]
E2Executive 2
Aaah...Sweet...relief...
[They stagger off to die]
IInmate
[talking to Monopoly pieces]: Hey, man. What'chu in for?
[A costumed character known as "The Mockingbird" is sitting bound to a chair, and gets punched in the face. Another character in a bird-like costume is revealed to be interrogating the Mockingbird]
FFinch
Ready to talk, Mockingbird?
Mockingbird [spits out some blood, mocking] "Ready to talk, Mockingbird?"
FFinch
Aah! I should've seen that coming! Scout, see if the coast is clear!
[A bird-costumed character wearing goggles and a speaker-phone searches, then turns toward Finch]
SScout
Coast is clear, Finch.
FFinch
Good. 'Cause I'm about to kill a Mockingbird!
[Mockingbird clicks a button on a detonation device, which breaks his bindings. He then kicks Finch in the crotch, then whacks him with the chair, and kicks him a few times more]
SScout
Jem! Jem! Use your gemstones!
[A character in a red bird costume shows up. Jem fires beams from the gemstones on his wings, effectively killing Mockingbird before he can get away]
SFScout, Finch, and Jem
Yeah!
[The group celebrates, then cut to a classroom. It's revealed that this was all part of a report]
Student And...that's my book report on "How to Kill a Mockingbird" by Lee...Harper...Oswald or whoever...
Teacher Couldn't even spring for the Cliffs Notes, huh? [whacks the student upside the head]
CCop
You realize when I pulled you over, you were doing 87 miles an hour?
MMarty
Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know.
BBumblelion
I love being a Wuzzle! We get to be two animals at once! Take me — I'm a bumblebee and a lion!
EEleroo
And I'm an elephant and a kangaroo.
BButterbear
You know what grosses me out, Bumblelion? How'd your parents get together?
[Cuts to a lion and a bumblebee]
LLion
OW! What the hell?! You think you can just sting me, you little bumblebee? Wow, you're a cute little bumblebee. Oh, you little cutie, come here. [turns around to have sex with the bumblebee] Oh, yeah! Owch! Ahh, owch! Sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch!
[Goes back to the three Wuzzles]
BBumblelion
UGH! I don't wanna think about THAT anymore. What about you. Eleroo?
[Goes to a kangaroo and an elephant about to have sex]
EElephant
Now, this might hurt a little. [in a sex position, the elephant crushes the kangaroo, who screams]
[Afterwards we return to the Wuzzles]
EEleroo
EW! How about you, Donkeyhuman?
[The camera moves to reveal Donkeyhuman]
DDonkeyhuman
[brays] As far as I know...
O3Other 3 Wuzzles
[interrupting Donkeyhuman] Actually I don't wanna know. Yeah, I'm not interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean it. I'm good.
[Jaden walks into his bedroom before a lamp is turned on and Santa is seen sitting in a chair]
JJaden
I suppose your presence here means I made the naughty list.
We don't mind a little mischief, Jaden. But flashing your wee-wee at the maid. That's one step too far.
JJaden
And where is my mother? [Santa stares at him; looks depressed] Hmm, I see. And how did she die?
[In the flashback, Santa comes towards Jaden's mother and punches her. She elbows him in the neck before he grabs her neck and throws her against the kitchen top drawers. Jaden's mother bashes his head with the freezer. She grabs a knife and begins swinging it at Santa. As she is about to stab him, he moves which sends the knife into a wall plug-in, electrocuting Jaden's mother. Santa grabs her by the back of her head and shoves her face into a sink full of water until she doesn't move anymore. Back to the present]
JJaden
She made you work for it, did she? [opens a desk drawer where a small gun is seen] You'll find I'm not so easy. [points the gun at Santa. He attempts to shoot, but there are no bullets] They say the second one is always-
[Santa quickly shoots Jaden with another gun which sends him flying into three shelves and knocks all of the toys down]
[Back to the flashback, Santa is then seen walking away from Jaden's mother after killing her. Then Jaden's mother screamed as she rises from the sink with her make-up smeared and holding the knife up, but Santa quickly shoots Jaden's mother, which is a short parody of a scene in Casino Royale before the opening credits starts]
[A dad, a mom and their son are in the living room on Christmas morning. The son is about to open his present and his dad is excited. The boy opens the present which explodes, killing him]
Ha, ha! Ha...Ah, it was a lot funnier when Jokey Smurf did it. Huh.
It's the most beautiful tree ever!
It certainly is, Sweetie!
TTree
[looking in the window] My wife! [sobbing] You killed her, and you decorated her!
[On Christmas Eve, the atheist mayor is standing in front of the church doors addressing the people]
AMAtheist Mayor
[to the people] Back to your homes. As the first Atheist mayor, I am shutting down the church.
OWOld Woman
But it's Christmas!
AMAtheist Mayor
Well, you should have thought of that when I campaigned as the first Atheist mayor.
OWOld Woman
Can we at least hear the Christmas chimes?
AMAtheist Mayor
[lifts up the giant silver chime] No! ln fact, I removed the chimey thingy that makes the chimey noise. So, you're screwed! [laughs, and was about to leave] Oh, and vote for me in November. [then leaves]
[Newspaper headlines says "TOWN CHIMES IN ON PROBLEM", "STORY RINGS TRUE!", and "CHILDREN CAN'T "BELL"-IEVE IT!". On Christmas night, the Humping Robot walks into the silent town on snow, wearing a Santa hat. Then he looks at the church bell, and makes a bell with his hands in air. He then knocks the blocked boards down with his hands and entered the church. He crashed though the roof door and stared at the shiny bronze bell. He was thrilled with joy and began ringing the bell with his hands]
[waking her dad up] Daddy, Daddy! Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!
[The angels from Heaven are awoken by hearing the bells ringing. The alarm is off, and the angels earned their own wings, and fly down to Earth and face the Atheist Mayor into action]
AMAtheist Mayor
[seeing the angels appearing on rooftops] What the-? What the-? Oh, my!
[He is about to run, à la North By Northwest, but the angels gunned him down with Tommy-guns]
[off-screen] Remember to keep Christ in Christmas.
[The Humping Robot continues ringing the bell]
AAnnouncer
Brought to you by Church.
[to Santa] Did you remember to get Mrs. Claus something?
[gasps, then gives the elf some money] Go get her a mug from the stationary store.
[Christmas in Asgard]
TThor
The reward for Thor's good deeds; a shiny bicycle.
LLoki
[sees a lump a coal from his stocking] Augh! A lump of coal?!
OOdin
[laughs] I love my son Thor and not my son Loki. And Santa agrees. [grabs his goblet] Ha ha! My parenting is most inequitable.
TThor
[on his bicycle] I am off to the rainbow bridge to offer rides to the shirtless muscular warriors who there congregate. [rides off]
LLoki
Ah, next Christmas, victory shall belong to Loki, God of Mischief. [laughs evilly. He is seen at the store as he puts on the fake Thor helmet with a blond wig; chuckles as he grabs a soda] I'm Thor, and I'm very thirsty! [gulping] Ahhh! [the sign behind him says "NO REFILLS"] No one minds if I get another. [gets another refill. He is next seen, humming as he urinates two guys in the bathroom, much to their disgust] I'm Thor. I got great aim 'cause I'm the God of Thunder.
[Loki is seen in the elevator]
LLoki
[holding the doors open] Oh, don't worry, I got it. Hi, nice to meet you. Thor, God of Thunder. By the way, eat this! [shoots the lady dead with his gun] Ha ha!
[The Following Christmas]
[Loki laughs while riding the bicycle as the shocked and confused Thor holds a lump of coal]
OOdin
[spits] By my own beard! Is it Christmas Day or opposite day?! [looks at the calendar] Nay, it "is" Christmas day!
TThor
I have been good! I have! Santa Claus shall taste the Thunder God's wrath! [flies to the North Pole]
[Loki snickers silently; at the North Pole]
[sees the elves' dead bodies on the floor] Good God!
TThor
[appears behind the door] But not good enough for ye, eh?! Have at thee! [begins attacking Santa by whacking him with his hammer called Mjollnir. He was about to hit the stomach, but Santa gained upper hand, attacking him with his candy cane. He shoots candy canes at Thor, who blocks them with his Mjollnir. Mrs. Claus runs around screaming. Thor swings at Santa, who dodges and pushes him onto the table. Santa is about to hit him, but Thor gained upper hand by smashing Santa onto the table a few times, before knocking him down on the floor. He is about to finish him off, but he swung his Mjollnir backwards and accidentally hit and killed Mrs. Claus who kept running and screaming, much to his surprise. He pulled his Mjollnir out of her smashed and blooded face, and noticed the fake Santa's naughty list on the floor; picks the list up and reads it] Thor did none of this! Why would a Thunder God refill his soda even after his thirst was slaked? Or urinate hither and yon? Or murder an old woman? [pause as he sees Mrs. Claus' dead body] Well, I dideth, not the other two! I smell my brother's deceitful hand in this. [picks up Santa] Rise, noble Claus. Thou was fooled as was I. Loki's villainy must be revealed. [grabs is Mjollnir, takes Santa, and flies back to Asgard]
[Back in Asgard. Loki shoots and kills people while riding a bicycle]
LLoki
Whoo! I'm Thor as hell!
[Thor and Santa arrive]
TThor
Fear not, Santa Claus. You yourself shall make Loki pay, a year hence when you bring him a lump of coal on Christmas Day. [to the camera] Merry Christmas, everyone!
LLoki
God of Thunder! [shoots bullets in the air]
WWoman
I love it when it snows. It's so peaceful.
[We hear the snowflakes screaming while falling from the sky]
S1Snowflake 1
Aaaaahh! Oh, God! I'm falling! Wha-What's happening? [screaming continues] Is that the ground?! Holy [bleep]! That's the [bleep]ing ground! This is it! Game over, man! [falls onto the ground]
S2Snowflake 2
Get off of me! [stammering] Get off of me!
S1Snowflake 1
I can't! I can't get up! [groaning as two snowflakes fall on him] It's a madhouse! It's a madhouse!
MMan
Ugh, I hate snow. We should go to Tahiti next Christmas.
WWoman
Yeah, let's do that. [steps on the snowflakes who are still screaming]
