[Strawberry Shortcake and her friends are giggling and singing, when suddenly we hear Black Cherry Pie scream]
BCBlack Cherry Pie
[screams] Ahhhh!!! Someone's stolen my black cherry!
Oh no, Black Cherry Pie! Your black cherry is gone?!
BCBlack Cherry Pie
Yes! I bet it was Fudge Turnover, he loves black cherries!
[Cut to Fudge Turnover]
FTFudge Turnover
I'd NEVER take someone's Black Cherry without their consent!
[appears] Mmmm, that's not what I heard.
FTFudge Turnover
Oh shut up, Bitch Pudding!
[Cut to the Purple Pieman's house, where he is sitting in his armchair. A rock smashes through his window]
PPPurple Pieman
[startled] Son of a bitch! [sees Strawberry Shortcake and Black Cherry Pie outside the broken window]
We're berry berry mad at you!
PPPurple Pieman
Get off my lawn, you stupid bitches!
BCBlack Cherry Pie
You stole my black cherry!
PPPurple Pieman
[chuckles] Sorry, honey, I'm into Asian chicks. [smells fire and turns around to find his house is on fire] Fire? FIRE! My valuables! [runs to his framed photos of his mother and Rachael Ray] Mama! Rachael Ray! Only time to save-a one of you... [takes the signed photo of Rachel Ray off of the wall and runs out of the house, but Strawberry Shortcake, Blueberry Muffin, and Black Cherry Pie all stone him to death while yelling at him in unison] Ahhh!!! You [bleep]ing twats! Oh ho! Ahh-eyah! Oh! Ahh! You bitches!
BCBlack Cherry Pie
I'm not sure how this gets my black cherry back...
[The three dump the Purple Pieman's body into a grave they have dug]
Nobody says a [bleep]ing word, or we all go to Rikers Island for a berry berry berry long time!
HPHuckleberry Pie
[shows up, eating Black Cherry Pie's black cherry] Hey, wazzup?
BCBlack Cherry Pie
My black cherry! Huckleberry Pie, you asshole! [chases a laughing Huckleberry Pie off-screen] I can't believe you took my black cherry!
I heard she left home because her daddy took her black cherry. [the others look confused] BLAM! You all get a taste of the Bitch Pudding.
OJO.J. Simpson
NICOLE! I brought you your child support. I know it's a few weeks early, but you know how completely not bitter I am about the divorce.
RRRoger Rabbit
Oh, hey, there!
OJO.J. Simpson
Oh my! What did you do?!
RRRoger Rabbit
What did I do? We had a deal. Now, it's your turn to kill my wife.
OJO.J. Simpson
I can't take the life of another human being.
RRRoger Rabbit
P-P-P-P-Please?
RRRoger Rabbit
But, but, but, but, but, we had a deal. See? You don't wanna see me when I'M STEAMED!! [causes steam to come out of himself] Take care of my wife or it's curtains for you!
[We start on a gray background with the title: "GREAT MOMENTS IN DUMB KID HISTORY" between two white lines]
AAnnouncer
Great moments in dumb kid history!
[A woman is seen driving her car with her two children behind her and her son poking his sister repeatedly]
[getting annoyed] If you touch your sister one more time, I am driving this car into a lake!
[After a few seconds, her son sneakily does it anyway, causing her to get totally fed up and start driving ferociously into a lake. Before she can, however, we cut to static]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] The Joker came to Arkham Asylum in the summer of aught nine. I know as much because I remember thinking, "That is the whitest son of a bitch I have ever seen." [the Joker enters the warden's office] He had a funny way about him, not "ha-ha" funny, more "stab-stab" funny.
[on the microphone] Welcome back to Arkham's Top 40. The Riddler writes: "Joker, can you please play 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'" [through speaker] Well, Riddler, here's your deathroom dedication.
RRiddler
[triumphantly] Yes!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] He even found a way to fool the Sodomites.
SSodomite
Come here, Joker. I'm gonna fill that balloon up real good. [the camera shows a Joker balloon]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] And despite appearances, we became friends.
I hear you're a man who can get things.
BMBlack Manta
Well, that depends.
I need a large poster of Phyllis Diller.
BMBlack Manta
That may take time.
Time's the one thing I've got. [long pause] Well, that and dementia.
[Later at night]
[checking the name list] Scarecrow; check. Two-Face; check. Joker? [not responding] Joker, you better be sick or dead in there or I [bleep] you not!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] I remember thinking it would take a man a hundred years to tunnel out of Arkham.
[enters the Joker's empty prison cell] What the hell?!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] The Joker did it in just two days. [laughs] Clearly, I gots trouble with the math.
[takes off the poster of Phyllis Diller to reveal the hole in the wall] Think you can escape in the sewer line, huh, Joker?! Not with the Batman on your tail! [in the sewer pipe] Ugh, smells like Batman Forever.
[revealed, laughing] Sucker!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] But what we didn't know was that the Joker hadn't actually left yet.
Buffalo wings, do your thing! [takes a crap and flushes toilet]
Ughh! Hello, there's a man down there; please don't flush anything for a while!
Oooowhee! Forget about The Green Mile, try walking the brown mile!
[getting flushed on] Oh, God, oh, God! [crap takes him out of the sewer]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] Batman crawled through a river of [bleep] 500 yards long. I remember thinking that was probably the length of five Ping-Pong tables; again, not so good with the math. I remember thinking you have to be pretty insane to play a joke, like that on the Batman.
[The rain and music immediately stops]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] Then again, I remember thinking that was pretty damn funny.
[Batman hears the Joker laughing, and walks off; disappointed]
[A nature guide and some students are out in the open: the students are playing on their cell phones]
NGNature guide
Okay, kids, who wants to learn about different types of leaves? [the students pause, then continue to play with their phones] Okay, who wants to play on your cell phones and Twitter your Facebooks? Oh, whatever. The hell, I guess I'll smoke behind that tree. See ya.
[Everyone walks away, until only the Nerd remains, holding a piece of cardboard with pictures of leaves on it]
But...what about the leaves? [sees a pool of water with a sign that reads, "Spring of the Drowned Girl"] Oh, my Gosh! Just like the classic anime, Ranma Nibun no Ichi. Whoever bathes in the Spring of Drowned Girl will become an awesomely sexy lady. So the question is, do I want to be an awesomely sexy lady? Hmmm.... [imagines what it would be like if he were...The Nerd has become a girl and examines himself] Oh, my Gosh! I've got-and I've-and this is-and these are-ohhh, they feel so good to the hand!
[The Nerd is buying a stack of comic books at a comic store]
HKHarry Knowles
That will be $68.50... [the Nerd flashes him] By which I mean free!
What wonderful powers! Hee hee! [seen in a dressing room, dressing up as Lara Croft] Hmmm...any tombs you'd like to raid? [as Elektra Natchios] The Frank Miller one, not the Jennifer Garner one. [as Tifa Lockhart] This may be your final fantasy. [as Catwoman] How about a look at these jewels, Batman? [is seen wandering through the girls' shower] La chee do ti do...Hello, ladies, yes, good to see you. Just another girl. Oh, gosh, these are so heavy.
BGBlond Girl
Oh...let us help you!
That's good, that's good, you're really helping, girls! [moans]
SGSecond Girl
Hey, doesn't hot water turn Ranma into a boy again?
[The Nerd suddenly turns back into a boy and covers himself up]
GGirls
Eww! [start beating up the Nerd]
Well, it's still...you know, skin contact. [The red-haired girl jumps on him] Whoopee! [the scene fades back to the Nerd standing at the spring] Yes, I do wanna be an awesomely sexy lady! Hee hee hee! "Mammarize" me, forces of the universe! [jumps into the spring] Splash, splash, splash! [hides as the students and the guide walk up to the spring]
NGNature guide
And, tragically, this is where a young lady drowned many years ago.
NGNature guide
The brochure says she was 400 pounds, with a clubbed foot and chronic flatulence. So, no. Anyway, back on the bus, everybody. Move it around...
[Cut to school hallways: the Nerd has become overweight and club-footed and is wearing a "Team Awesome" shirt]
KKaitlin
Hey! You must be the new girl. My name's Kaitlin. [before he can speak, the Nerd farts] Eww!
Dang it. [farts a few more times]
THTriple H
John Cena was supposed to challenge me for this championship tonight but apparently he got lost on his way here.
JJR
[at the announcer table with another announcer] That is a load of bull. We saw Triple H let the air out of John Cena's tires. DAMN HIM!!!
THTriple H
I guess if nobody's man enough to challenge me, I'll just take my championship belt and go home.
[Just then, a music plays and everyone cheers as Dakota Fanning walks to the ring, angrily, with her theme intro]
JJR
IT'S HER! IT'S HER! Dakota Fanning is in the building and she looks pissed!
AAnnouncer
And lets not forget the Dakota's new movie [An advertisement of the movie appears while seeing Triple H scolding Dakota] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems opens Friday at theaters across the country!
DDakota
[snatches the microphone from Triple H] I taught I was here to talk about Wishmagic...[whisper outside the mike]...The horse who wrote poems...But apparently some son of a bitch have to go run his mouth! [then starts attacking Triple H and start stomping his head to make him bleed]
JJR
IT'S ON! It's on now! Triple H is in a world of....
DDakota
[toss Triple H on top of the ringpole and going to do her finisher] Here comes a good part! [Does a finisher and crashes Triple H onto the announcer's table, breaking it in the process]
JJR
THE DAKONATOR! THE DAKONATOR! This match is over if she can pin him in the ring! [just then, John Cena's intro is played while John Cena rushes into the ring] It's John Cena! He must want a piece of Triple H too. [instead, John Cena saves Triple H and start attacking Dakota and after he locks Dakota into submission and hitting her, Triple H came back with a steel chair and start hitting Dakota's face] OH NO! It's a damn double-cross! John Cena and Triple H must have set up Dakota from the beginning! AWWW! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! [an advertisement about Wishmagic appears below the screen] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems opens Friday! DAMN THEM TO HELL!
KKermit
Yeah! Everybody’s sharing, that's the way you’re supposed to do it. Hi, ol' Gordo! Everybody, this is my cousin Gordon the Gecko. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street. What do you think about sharing?
GGGordon the Gecko
The rich just 1% of this country, Owns half its country wealth. $5,000,000,000,000—
$1,000,000,000,000! he he he, Two Trill-
GGGordon the Gecko
[pushes the Count] Shut up. Greed, for lack for better word is good, greed works.
KKid
My dad says being greedy is bad.
GGGordon the Gecko
Your dad wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. Is Kermit over here sharing with you, to sit here and sing songs?!
KKermit
Ok, Gordo! It's time to get back to the office.
GGGordon the Gecko
See this building behind me, first place I ever bought, flipped it and made $800,000. It was better then sex!
KKermit
Ok, who wants a share a healthy after-school snack?
KKids
I want to make 800,000 dollars!
GGGordon the Gecko
First, you have to quit dressing up like 9-year old kids. Lets go buy these [bleep]ers some little suits.
KKermit
Well, I guess that lesson is brought to you by the number "Douchebag!"
[1984 Libertarian party convention]
C1Candidate 1
Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vice president of the United States of America!
C2Candidate 2
1984 is the year of the Libertarian party! We will be champions!
C1Candidate 1
Yes, unfortunately, the rock band Queen won't let us play their hit "We Are The Champions", but enjoy this soundalike, which we will play IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
S1Singer 1
[to the tune of "We Are The Champions"] We are the victors of the Globe. And we'll continue doing stuff...
[1988 Libertarian party convention, the candidates have longer hair]
C1Candidate 1
Four years ago, I said that we would be champions...How wrong I was. Ronald Reagan soundly beat us.
C2Candidate 2
In fact we received less than one percent of one percent of the vote.
C1Candidate 1
But it is 1988 and the country needs to come together like a family.
C2Candidate 2
We are family! We are family!
C1Candidate 1
Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit "We Are Family". It's something better!
S2Singer 2
[to the tune of "We Are Family"] We are a close-knit group! Co-workers and aquaintances!
[1992 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are noticeably older, and now have wives]
C2Candidate 2
Four years ago, we asked America to join our family...America said no.
C1Candidate 1
So we decided to make loving families of our own. Who else wants to get on board the love train?
C2Candidate 2
Sadly, The O-Jays wouldn't let us use their hit song "Love Train".
C1Candidate 1
Even though it expresses every political ideal we stand for!
C2Candidate 2
Next stop, the White House.
C1Candidate 1
Toot toot! All aboard!
S3Singer 3
[to the tune of "Love Train"] Citizens of the Earth, come on. Ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo, yeah, ride the Friend Choo-choo.
[2008 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are now old men]
C2Candidate 2
Well, sadly, not a single voter chose to board the friendship choo-choo. Worse, despite using the soundalike, The O-Jays still sued us.
C1Candidate 1
During the 16-year legal battle, unsavory private matters were revealed, resulting in the spectacular in-court suicide of my beautiful wife, Jennette.
C2Candidate 2
My wife Sarah also committed suicide, but, uh, that was unrelated to the trial.
C1Candidate 1
These tragedies taught us that life, like voting for a third party, are ultimately meaningless.
C2Candidate 2
So, in the end, all we, the Libertarian party, are is "Dust In the Wind". [Candidate 1 stammers]]' I mean, all of us is airborne minidirt!
C1Candidate 1
Airborne minidirt, y'all!
S4Singer 4
[to the tune of "Dust In the Wind"] All of us is airborne minidirt...
[There are two boats in Gotham Harbor, a yeoman approaches the captain]
YYeoman
Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode! And I found this! [displays a detonator]
[Meanwhile, all the passengers are in the seating area, the intercom turns on]
Greetings from the Joker. "Why so serious?" Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. I will blow up both boats at midnight.
Joker However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. If one boat decides to blow up the other boat prior to midnight, I will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. It's quite the moral quandary, is it not?
M2Man 2
Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up.
GGIRL
No, he said we decide.
M3Man 3
Then I decide that neither boat blows up!
CCaptain
Wait, wait...so, we vote?
WWoman
No, we...we just press a button, I think.
M4Man 4
I don't understand. What does this prove, exactly?
M5Man 5
Uh, Mister Joker, sir? We came to a consensus: we vote that neither boat should blow up.
[The passengers agree]
M5Man 5
Uh..uh, you better explain it again then, I guess.
[sighs] I will blow up both the boats-
-unless, UNLESS, one boat blows up the other boat first.
M5Man 5
Uh, w-what are the other options?
There are no other options.
OOld Lady
Ask him when both boats blow up.
MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!
CCaptain
Alright folks, that gives us a good 15 minutes. Everyone, into the lifeboats!
No, no lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them.
M6Man 6
You never said that!
I did, way back in the beginning.
M5Man 5
You better go over the rules again.
[clearly exasperated] Oh, for H- it's a catch 22! Look, there are two boats. At midnight—
[Batman cuts him off by hitting him with a board]
One day in the Concrete Jungle of Nool, an elephant named Morton played "hooky" from school. He was chillin' on the stoop, just peachin' on the block...When onto his trunk landed a tiny crack rock. He thought...
MMorton
I could sell this, make five or six bucks!
But then he heard a tiny voice that hollered...
[Morton bends down close to the rock and listens]
Morton listened closely, and held very still. He could hear tiny voices in the town of What-Whatville. [The camera zooms in on the rock. A tiny city is seen. Strange creatures resembling the Whos from Dr. Seuss' books are seen on a dance floor. A DJ is in the background] They were having a party, with a DJ in the cut, and everybody was yelling...
WWWhat-Whatians
What, what!
[The screen cuts back to Morton]
Morton had a new purpose, he had a new drive: to hide the rock and keep the party alive. [Morton decides to conceal the rock from sight. He walks to the right, and confronts a drugged-up kangaroo with blackened eyelids] He walked down the street, and out of the blue, he came face to face with Crackhead Kangaroo. She was shaking and twitching, her eyelids were black. She said...
KKangaroo
[stammering] M-M-M-M-Morton, I'll s-s-suck your C-C-C-COCK for that crack!
[A strange look crosses Morton's face as he looks at the rock. He walks behind a dumpster with the kangaroo]
Well, sometimes an elephant just has to nut. So that was the end of the world of...
WWWhat-Whatians
What, what!
[The What-Whatians and their world are set ablaze when the rock is lit up. Everyone screams]
