[Two boys are in the living room next to the Christmas tree with presents under it on Christmas morning]
[They opened the present, but finds the dynamite, which is going off. The dynamite explodes, killing the boys. The next scene shows the family in another house; the girl opens her present]
GGirl
[picks up the dynamite, which is also going off] That's weird.
[Another dynamite kills the family with explosion. The next scene shows the African-American couple in the living room opening their presents, but find the grenade which the pin is attached to the string. They accidentally pulled the grenade out of the pin, with horrified looks on their faces. Then the grenade explodes, killing the couple. Cut to the North Pole where the group of terrorists held gunpoint at Mrs. Claus an the elves in front of Santa]
Okay, I delivered all the bombs! Now please, don't hurt my family.
TTerrorist
And the Jews? Are the Jews dead too?
But...Jews don't even have Christmas!
TTerrorist
Then you have failed!
[Terrorists shoots Santa]
AAnnouncer
Don't forget about terrorism this Christmas. A message from the Department of Ho-Ho-Homeland Security.
[The sketch opens with the title card Gift of the Maji written in gold letters appearing on a green background. We then see Della Dillingham Young in a store]
DDella
I'd like to buy a chain for my husband's watch.
CSChain Salesman
Seventy-five dollars.
DDella
Oh, my! I can't afford that. Unless... [cut to her at a barbershop and taking a seat in the chair] I'd like to sell my hair, please.
[The female barber pulls out an electric razor and starts shaving Della's hair. Cut to James Dillingham Young at another store]
JJames
I'd like to buy some brushes for my wife's beautiful hair, please.
BSBrush Salesman
Seventy-five dollars.
JJames
For brushes? What the [bleep]? What are they, solid gold? My watch is 75 bucks and it is a [bleep]ing antique! [a short pause; cut to him at home; Della, who is now bald, enters] What the [bleep] happened to you?
DDella
I wanted to buy you a chain for your watch, so, I sold my hair to do it!
JJames
Holy [bleep]! You look like you have cancer! Couldn't you have just let me keep my beautiful wife for Christmas?
DDella
You don't like it?
JJames
Well here's where the irony kicks in. I wanted to get you hairbrushes for Christmas, but the man said I'd have to sell my watch to afford them!
DDella
Oh, no! You sold your watch?
JJames
[Bleep], no! What, am I crazy?! For brushes?! I think the cat brush is just as [bleep]ing good and that thing was a buck-fifty!
DDella
So, you didn't get me brushes?
JJames
What, did they shave your ears too?! I said no, already!
DDella
Oh... [chuckles] Then what did you get me?
JJames
[gives Della a set of lingerie] Lingerie! Now, go pop that sucker on! [puts a Santa hat on Della's bald head] This too!
DDella
[drops the lingerie] Yeaahhh...I'm gonna go stay with my mom for a while.
[The scene opens with Santa's custom sleigh and his reindeer flying in the sky]
CComet
How's the view back there, buddy? The light at the end of the tunnel is my ass!
[The reindeer behind Comet makes disgusted groans. Cut to Santa hearing a cry for help]
Huh? Put her down, boys. [they landed the sleigh before he, Comet and his reindeer all gathered at a well and see a little boy, who is unseen, is trapped in the well] Help is coming, little boy! Are you hurt?!
LBLittle Boy
[from the well] I've been down here three days with no food or water! And I pooped in my pants!
Three days?! He could die of thirst before we reach him!
CComet
Not on my watch! [starts peeing down the well]
What are you-? Comet! Stop peeing on that child!
CComet
I saw it on Man vs. Wild. You can drink pee, pee it out and drink it again! Three times if you want!
LBLittle Boy
This rain tastes like oats.
[Clock transition with the sound of jingle bells]
[gets off his cell phone] The fire department's on its way.
Comet! No! [Comet soars in the air and dives into the well] Comet?!
CComet
Um, okay. I'm stuck like halfway down. Almost there.
[Santa facepalms himself. Another clock transition with the sound of a siren. The fire department and the police arrive]
FFireman
We could throw down a rope and a harness down to the kid, except your reindeer's plugging up the hole now.
CComet
Just throw down a grenade!
CComet
Throw down one grenade to launch me toward the bottom. Then I'll grab the boy with my teeth. And you can throw down a second grenade to launch me to the surface!
PPoliceman
Your deer don't know [bleep] about grenades, does he?
He spends most of his life on a frozen tundra. Reindeer don't know [bleep] about [bleep], quite frankly.
FFireman
So, listen, [the two reindeer look at each other and toss a grenade down the well] thanks to your deer, we're gonna have to excavate half this field.
[The grenade explodes and Santa gains consciousness]
[shocked] Oh, my God! [the explosion has blown up the well and everything around it. The two reindeer that threw down the grenade had their heads blown off and their corpses faint] Comet?! Little boy?!
[Fade to Comet, Santa and the little boy, who is now seen, in a cast and bandages in a hospital room]
LBLittle Boy
Thank you, Comet! You saved me!
CComet
Aw, ain't know thing.
Well, actually, about 100 volunteers working around the clock with heavy machinery would've suf-
LBLittle Boy
I love you, Mr. Comet!
CComet
I love you too, Mr. Little Boy!
[Comet and the little boy both hug]
[leaves] That still freaks me out.
CComet
[follows with his legs missing and he's floating in midair] Yeah. It's 100% badass, alright.
[Cut to Comet and Santa outside the hospital]
[gets on Comet's back] Take us back to the North Pole! And-And don't say the line.
CComet
Oh, I gotta say the line! Please?! Please?!
[sighs] Fine, fine. Whatever.
CComet
Ahem. Legs? Where we're going, we don't need legs! [soars off with Santa] Yeah! [towards the camera] And away we go!
[Christmas Special ends]
[Last lines; the boy is crying because Santa lies on the floor]
[worried] How was I supposed to know that he's allergic to nuts?!
HEHead Executive
So, to sum up, we basically co-opted Santa Claus and made him synonymous with Coca-Cola.
EExecutive
I have to say, it's a breeze signing endorsement deals with fictional characters!
[The executives laugh]
LLarry
Are we sure we don't wanna replace him with Britney Spears?
[The executives laugh some more, until Santa Claus barges into the room with a grumpy look on his face; the room fall silent]
Ho ho ho. Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please, no need to get up.
HEHead Executive
Uh, who are you?
Why, I'm Santa Claus. I was just flying by and heard everyone having a good laugh in here. Please, someone tell me what was so funny. [points to the executive 3 times] Make. Me. Laugh. [beat] Well, allow me to repeat a joke my lawyers told me the other day. It involved a large multi-national corporation that's been using my likeness without permission or compensation. Ho ho ho! Isn't that hilarious?!
LLarry
N-Now, you listen here! Santa Claus doesn't exist! We all know that!
Now, why would you say that, Larry? Is it because I didn't give you the Louisville Slugger you asked for when you were 9? [pulls out a Louisville Slugger baseball bat from his coat]
LLarry
How did you know that?
I know a lot of things, Larry. I know that you've been on my naughty list since '72. I know that your company has been using my image to promote your product since 1931. [takes off his coat] And I know I've never seen a dime, and you know what that means, Larry?! [whispers] I know you're a [bleep]ing thief! [attempts to whack Larry with the baseball bat, but he gets up on the table where he swings a Coke bottle at Santa. Santa Claus hits him twice with the baseball bat. He gets him off the table where he decapitates Larry with two swings to the head. A woman executive smashes a Coca-Cola picture over Santa's head before he kicks her away. Santa grabs another executive and shoves his head into a Coke cooler. He is seen with two Coke bottles sticking out of his eyes. Santa punches him in the stomach which makes him puke Coke. Santa opens a door where a hungry polar bear grabs another executive and eats him. The head executive attempts to swing at Santa, but he gets the bat and decapitates the head executive 7 times with it; puts his coat back on] I'll expect my check in the mail. [moves the door which reveals three more scared executives who gasped] You [bleep]ers can spell North Pole, can't ya? Oh, and about that talk of replacing me with Britney Spears... [pulls out Britney Spear's severed head from his bag] Think again. Ho ho ho! [smiles at the executives]
[We start looking out at a cave. Caveman Santa Claus is putting rocks on bows. Caveman Santa Claus smiled. Then the Cave Girl enters the cave, rubbing her eyes. Then she sees Caveman Santa, who turns around. As he shushes her quietly, the Cave Girl started screaming. Caveman Santa Claus tries to stop the Cave Girl from screaming loudly, but he couldn't. Then two Caveman parents enter the cave. The Caveman Dad who holds a stick, is really angry. Caveman Santa Claus convinces the Caveman Dad that he's delivering rocks for Christmas, and gives himself a jolly laugh. But the Caveman Dad looks really mad. Caveman is ready to kill Caveman Santa Claus with a stick. The Cave Mom and the Cave Girl run for their lives, screaming as the Caveman Dad started killing Caveman Santa Claus. He then picked his brain up. Then we cut to the bedroom as the mom tucks her daughter up with the covers]
And that's the story of the very first Christmas.
Wait a minute, Mama. How can there still be a Christmas if they killed Santa?
Hmm. You're right. [we cut to outside where she is putting presents in the trash can on fire] No Santa, no Christmas, no Christmas presents.
Oh, you really would've liked this one.
[In the McAllister household, Kevin places the BBQ starter onto the doorknob of the front door to make it scalding hot on the other side]
KKevin
When those robbers try to break in, they'll be in for a nasty surprise. [we cut to his room where he unfolds his map of traps to check if anything is prepared] Nails on basement stairs...check. Iron attached to string...check. [back downstairs, he looks over the broken ornaments and toys he's cunningly placed on the floor] Trucks, ornaments...check. Paint cans... [in the upstairs hall, he checks the rope connected to the paint cans and releases it, making it vibrate] ...check. [back in his room, he's in bed, preparing to go to sleep as he puts the map on his bedside table before wiping his hands] Safe and sound. [falls straight asleep. Outside the room, the BBQ starter that is connected to the door knob starts burning, causing a fire to start. The smoke spreads into his's room, which makes him start coughing sharply. He then wakes with a cough, realizes what's happening, and puts his hands to his cheeks in the scared but classic Home Alone pose] The fire!
[Still coughing and blinded by the smoke, Kevin walks to the stairs, forgetting about the trip wire at the top. He bumps into it, causes the paint can to smack him in the head, and is sent violently bouncing and screaming down the stairs, hitting his bottom and his head, which breaks several bones to cause pain, with each bounce. Flying into the wall at the bottom, Kevin attempts to recover, but instead falls dizzily face first into the objects he placed on the floor, cutting his face. Still screaming, he does the pose again, goes to open the front door, and severely burns both of his hands on the knob; then he puts his hands to his cheeks again, only to find that because of the big burn, his hands are now melded to his face. Now in agony, Kevin runs to the basement and begins to walk down the stairs, but stabs the nail he placed there through his foot, making it bleed. Now crying, Kevin tumbles down the stairs and tries to turn on the light; however, this is the light he connected to the iron above. The iron falls on Kevin's head, making him stop screaming once and for all. We then cut to outside as the house burns in the background, and The Wet Bandits, Marv and Harry, and Kevin's parents, Peter and Kate, simply watch as his body is taken away by some paramedics into an ambulance]
KKate
[crying] Oh, my baby...
We were just driving by when we saw the flames. Is that kid gonna be okay?
[The sheet is pulled back to reveal his burned and stabbed face with his hands still glued to it, which makes Kate scream and do the Home Alone pose as well]
[On a street, at Christmas time as snow falls with a Santa ringing a bell for charity in the background, three young boys sing a holiday favorite...]
BBoys
[singing] Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost its-
[One of the boys, Dougie, turns and bumps into someone...it's the Caped Crusader himself alongside his partner Robin]
DDougie
[surprised] Batman?!
[Santa turns, sees the duo and flees in a panic]
Keep singing boys, we were learning a lot.
RRobin
[sarcastically] Yeah, I never knew Batman had an odor problem.
[sniffs under his armpits] Hmm...weird, I don't smell anything. Do you Dougie? [grabs Dougie's head and stuffs the boy's face into his armpit. Dougie's muffled screams can be heard] I can't hear you. [throws Dougie back to his friends]
DDougie
[starting to cry] I want my mommy!
Yeah, me too. [high-fives with Robin]
RRobin
[steps forward] I may be named after a bird, but that doesn't mean I'm dropping eggs. [suddenly grabs Dougie's head and starts slamming it into his ass-cheeks] You wanna check these for some eggs?! Huh, you see any [bleep]ing eggs in there?! [lets Dougie go]
BBoy
We gotta go! Run! Get out of here!
[The three boys start to run down the street]
RRobin
They're getting away, Batman!
Not on my watch. [presses a button on his glove. Suddenly, as the three boys run for it the Batmobile arrives and runs them all over] The rats are scattering.
RRobin
[pulling out his Bolo Whip and swings it] Holy, these mother[bleep]ers aren't going anywhere! [throws the Bolo Whip which wraps round one of the boys feet, tripping him up and causing him to land on his face, causing gruesome injuries]
[Batman then throws a Batarang, which lodges itself firmly in Dougie's back causing him to fall. As the boy struggles for life, Batman walks over and throws a few more in his back and a final one in his head, finishing him off. As the final boy climbs onto the kerb, Robin walks up]
BBoy
[desperately] Sorry!
RRobin
You can tell your dentist "I'M" sorry!
[Robin raises his leg and kerb-stomps the boy...and as he does, we cut to reality, as a music teacher is telling this story to one of the young boys in his class as his horrified classmates listen on]
MTMusic Teacher
And the police didn't even investigate the children's disappearance because Batman is above the law. But please Troy, keep singing your hilarious version of "Jingle Bells" and [bleep]ing up my Christmas program. No? All right then, from the top.
[Kyle is busy putting plastic propellers on biplane toys. His first thought is cocking his rifle. His second thought his blasting one of the elves with his rifle. And his last thought is stabbing Santa in the stomach. Then one of the elves appeared next to him as his thoughts vanished]
[to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Have any plans for the holiday break?
Oooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy...?
[in bed] Dad, is Santa Claus real?
BSBilly's Dad
Of course, Santa Claus is real. Who do you think? He brings you your presents.
Does he always live in the North Pole?
BSBilly's Dad
Actually, he grew up right here in Chicago. [the scene shows Santa plays baseball] He even played for the Cubs.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
Wow! Tell me more about Santa!
BSBilly's Dad
Well, let's see. Oh, he loves Robot Chicken! He's even done voices on the show.
[Cut to Santa at the studio]
[recording his voice] You worthless d-bags wouldn't let him play your reindeer games.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
He sounds funny! Do you think he would've been friends growing up?
BSBilly's Dad
Sure! He was just like you! [the scene shows Santa as a baby] The apple of his parents' eye. [cut back to him and Billy] He had a huge crate of toys and loved to play. [the scene shows Santa, still as a baby, dancing to the music] And he was very funny. Always a barrel of laughs.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
BSBilly's Dad
He sure is, Billy. Now, you better go to sleep so Santa can do his job. [leaves]
Goodnight, Dad. Merry Christmas.
[As Billy's dad closes the door, Billy, sees the Chicago flag above him in shock as his dad's words repeated in his head]
BSBilly's Dad
[memory] He grew up right here in Chicago. [he sees the Chicago Cubs flags on the wall] He even played for the Cubs. [he also sees his toy robot and his rubber chicken] He loves Robot Chicken! [he sees the apple logo on his computer] The apple of his parents' eye. [he backs away and accidentally knocks his mug on the floor; deep voice] Barrel of laughs.
[Billy runs out of his room to check the Christmas tree in the living room, and sees that there are no presents under the tree yet. In relief, Billy went back to bed. Then Billy's dad peeked that his son went to bed, and start putting presents under the tree]
The greatest trick Billy's Dad ever played, convincing his son that Santa exists.
B1Boy 1
Santa's so fast, he delivers presents to the whole wide world in one night.
B2Boy 2
Superman is faster! He circled the planet and made us all forget about that earthquake that killed Lois Lane.
[flies down] Kids! Kids! Take it easy.
BBoys
[surprised] Superman!
It's not important who's fastest.
B1Boy 1
Spoken like a true puss.
[insulted] What did you [bleep]ing say?! I would whip Santa's fat ass! Is that what you wanna hear, you little [bleep]ing turd?! [knocks the boy's coffee mug out of his hand] You come at me! You come at me like a [bleep]ing man! [smacks the boy's head and flies up into the air]
B2Boy 2
[laughing] I've got to blog about the [bleep] that just went down right here!
[At the North Pole]
Ol' Supes thinks he's the fastest, aye? [laughs]
So, who is the fastest, Santa?
[laughs] That's not important.
[insulted, knocks the elf's Coke bottle out of his hand before meeting Superman at the top of the Earth] We doing this, blue balls?!
You got that right, Saint Dick! [cut to him and Santa, ready to race around the world] Hey! No fair using reindeer!
[sarcastically] Oh, okay. No fair using our yellow sun then, you [bleep]ing alien!
[The boy shoots a gun where Superman and Santa race. And after hours, Santa and Superman are then seen racing over the finish line at the exact same time, surprising everyone]
ESElf Spectator
It's a tie!
B2Boy 2
What a complete and total waste of everybody's time!
Well, even a tie has some entertainment value.
[The Flash speeds off]
[laughs] Sorry we took so long, folks.
Ho ho ho! We ran into a few race hazards. [opens the door of his sleigh, revealing Lex Luthor, who is beaten up]
Lex Luthor, here, tried to decue us both permanently!
Luckily, we stopped him, but only by working together.
[Everyone cheered]
I think they're buying it. Bump it.
[fist bumps with Superman] Anticipated.
LLLex Luthor
[waking up] What? Where am I? I was at my mother's doing laundry and-
Weaponizing anthrax, Luthor?! Not on my watch!
LLLex Luthor
[confused] What? Weaponiz-
[Santa Claus slams the door in Lex Luthor's face before the two high five and smile at the camera. During the credits, Santa and Superman are seen doing what they really did when they had the race]
MSMatthew Senreich
[during the opening Saving Private Ryan parody war scene, as Seth Green is shot down] I'll tell your story! [is shot down]
DGDaniel/Gyro-Robo
I'll tell Seth Green's story! Yours has less commercial appeal!
CFCarl Fredricksen
[in the window] SO LONG, ASSHOLES! [Carl's house is going up but falls when the police die the house falls down to the ground] I won't last 10 days in prison.
DDoctor
Sorry Twiki, but you have dia bidi bidi bidis.
[A group of people are leaving the theatre which was showing "American Pie", the people go inside McDonald's, the people start screaming inside]
AAnnouncer
And top off that Happy Meal with a tasty apple pie. Warning: Apple pies are hot; do not stick your dick in McDonald's apple pie.
