[In the kitchen, Rosa and her mother played puzzle, while grandma walked slowly]
RRosa
Mama, why does Grandma walked so slow?
Because Grandma's old, honey, and her bones are very brittle.
RRosa
Mama, what's brittle?
You know like um...like..peanut brittle, dear.
RRosa
Mmmm! Yummy! [runs out of the kitchen]
GGrandma
[off-screen] Oh, hi, little Rosa, oh. What are you do..?! Hey!
[Mother was shocked and ran out of the kitchen]
RRosa
[off-screen] Where's the peanut brittle?! I want the peanut brittle! Where is it?! Give to me, I just want it!
[off-screen] Rosa, no! Let go Grandma's leg!
[A rating comes up. Then, we see Yogi and Boo-Boo in Jellystone spotting a picnic lunch completely deserted]
YYogi
Hey, hey, hey! A pic-a-nic basket!
BBBoo-Boo
It's pronounced "Picnic", Yogi. "Picnic"!
[All of a sudden, a hunter pops out]
[The hunter is about to shoot Yogi but Yogi tries to pull the gun away accidentally killing the hunter in the process]
BBBoo-Boo
Oh, we gotta run, Yogi!
[Yogi and Boo-Boo run for their lives with 2 police officers right behind them. A sheriff looks at a map of Jellystone with Ranger Smith right next to him]
RSRanger Smith
You'll never catch him. He's smarter than the average bear.
[A cop searches for Yogi not knowing he's behind him and Yogi grabs him from behind]
YYogi
Surprise! [slits the cop's neck with a knife and makes a run for it, but is killed by the sheriff]
BBBoo-Boo
Noooo! Yogi! [in a fiery rage, he's wearing a bandana and a chest of bullets; pulls out two guns and starts shooting like crazy like John Rambo]
[Caption: RAM-BOO-BOO. Back in the theatre, the kids are talking]
KKid
Shhhh! I'm trying to watch these trailers, y'all! [moment of silence] I just playin'. You go trailers! [hollers]
MLSir Mix-a-Lot
(to tune of "Baby Got Back)
This table's long, but it should be round
King Arthur can't hear a sound
When a knight tries to talk
That brother's gotta walk
'bout half a freakin' block to be heard
Can't hear a word
'cause this table is so absurd
Us knights got much to discuss
But this table's ridiculous
BBalki
Don't be ridiculous
MLSir Mix-a-Lot
Belvedere can't hear
"Yo, can you pass me some beer?!"
BSir Belvedere
Say what?!
MLSir Mix-a-Lot
It's twenty feet by eighty
Can't even flirt with ladies
Better have long arms when you're havin' a meal
If you're trying to cop a feel
We need a new proportion
To bring our kingdom fortune
I got an idea that might work for ya
I'm-a make this mother circular
Sir Galahad!
MLSir Mix-a-Lot
Percival!
MLSir Mix-a-Lot
You wanna hear the others talk?
MLSir Mix-a-Lot
Bring it in, sit it down
It's like King Arthur's crown
Table be round! Table be round.
Now with this circulation
We can have nice conversation
VGVerizon guy
Can you hear me now?
PSir Percival
I can hear!
MLSir Mix-a-Lot
Make every knight say...
KAKing Arthur
Now you know that we cannot fail when we're looking for the Holy Grail
MLSir Mix-a-Lot
360 on the parameter
You know hos like diameter
KKnight
Bumping this with the circumference
MLSir Mix-a-Lot
[bleep] I'm never gonna need money anyway. Where you win this shit, shootin' dice? Come on, man. Come on, man, the hell wrong with you? Crown-wearing mother[bleep]. [bleep].
EEdward
Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.
SSteve
You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]
EEdward
More apple pie for us, huh?
SSSteve's wife
Oh, you. [doorbell rings] Who could that be? [opens the door]
FFanfare
[singing] Trojan Man!
TMTrojan Man
[on horseback] Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!
[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]
SSSteve's wife
I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!
TMTrojan Man
Put this on your penis.
SSteve
Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
EEdward
Julie, how could you?!
JJulie
My clothes just fell off.
TMTrojan Man
Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!
EEdward
Will you shut the [bleep] up already?! Shut up!
SSSteve's wife
I am leaving you!
EEdward
Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– [crash] Oh, no, you broke it!
TMTrojan Man
That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
FFanfare
[singing] Trojan Man!
EEdward
[crying] You said my problem didn't bother you.
JJulie
It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.
EEdward
It changes everything!
TMTrojan Man
A reservoir tip is for your semen!
JJulie
I got to get out of here. [leaves the house, with Edward following her]
EEdward
You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!
[Long pause]
TMTrojan Man
I guess I'd better go.
FFanfare
[singing] Trojan Man!
SSteve
[as Trojan Man rides out] Yeah, why don't you just get the [bleep] outta here? How about that?
FFanfare
[singing] Trojan Man!
TMTrojan Man
[leaving a box of condoms] Just in case.
AAnnouncer
For when you wanna [bleep]! Yeah!
WWWonder Woman
You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, you're the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride. [Kid Flash steals Wonder Woman's suit and heroes gasped] Whoa! What the [bleep]?!?! [Kid Flash giggles] Give me those you little [bleep]stain!
I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. [whispering] Super-speed high five.
[Justice League Heroes waves a good-bye for young heroes to teleport and they fell down in a volcano on another planet. Justice League Heroes gasped]
WWWonder Woman
What happened?
MMMartian Manhunter
It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!
Man 1': Hey, who packed my chute?
M2Man 2
I did. Why? Don't you trust me?
M1Man 1
Are you gonna jump, or are we just gonna jerk each other off?
[Long pause. Cut to outside shot of the plane and the door slides shut]
JBJames Bond
I was wrong about you, Christmas Jones.
CJChristmas Jones
How so?
JBJames Bond
I thought Christmas only came once a year.
CJChristmas Jones
[giggles] Oh, James.
[They kiss; cut to the secret lab where James enters]
T1Technician 1
There he is!
T2Technician 2
Oh, I heard you saved the world again!
T1Technician 1
So you and Christmas Jones, huh? I can't believe you're tapping that!
JBJames Bond
Sorry to break it to you, boys. Miss Jones is already yesterday's news.
[Flashback shows James and Christmas riding in the car]
CJChristmas Jones
This is me, up on the left.
JBJames Bond
[getting carried away] Oh, that's odd. I'd have thought you lived on 34th street.
CJChristmas Jones
[nervous chuckle] Oh, right, because of...my name. Ha.
[Scene shows James having sex with Christmas]
JBJames Bond
All right, love, time to dick your halls.
CJChristmas Jones
Could you maybe stop doing the pun thing?
JBJames Bond
I can't believe I made it this far into Christmas without wrapping my present.
CJChristmas Jones
Wha-? Wait a second! I'm not on the pill!
JBJames Bond
Well, I hope you've been dreaming of a white Christmas.
CJChristmas Jones
[pushes James back on the side of the bed] Ugh! I just got a headache.
JBJames Bond
So, when do I get to meet your friends?
[Scene cuts to the club party]
JBJames Bond
[to the party goers] So I said, "I thought Christmas only came once a year!"
CJChristmas Jones
[embarrassed] James...
FPFemale Party Goer
This guy's a tool.
CJChristmas Jones
No, no. He's got a really cool car.
[Scene shows James and Christmas at the restaurant]
JBJames Bond
You're breaking up with me?
CJChristmas Jones
There's nothing wrong with you, James. Maybe it's just an age thing.
JBJames Bond
What, you think I'm too old for Christmas? [chuckles]
CJChristmas Jones
If that helps you, yes.
[Cuts to James, who is drunk, crying for being dumped]
JBJames Bond
[takes out a pen gun, and clicks, but it's empty] Oh, come on! One of these [bleep]ing things has to be loaded! [groans, cries; cuts back to the present] So I just looked at her, and I said, "Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I'm canceling Christmas!"
T1Technician 1
Oh, you dog!
T2Technician 2
You're always humping and dumping. You're the best, James!
JBJames Bond
Ah, you know me, I got to be James. [chuckles, whimpers]
[Man shoots a werewolf with a handgun to no effect]
WWerewolf
Only a silver bullet can kill me.
[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing Dungeons & Dragons in a basement]
DDungeonmaster
The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.
KKnight
That's a bunch of crap!
BBoy
Gee, Casper, l wish we could play with you forever.
[Billy Joel and Davy are at a bar drinking beer]
Hey, there. I'm Billy. Billy Joel. What's your name?
How long will you do that, do you think?
DDavy
Uh, probably for life.
Cool. "Davy" rhymes with "navy." That's convenient.
DDavy
What?! You'd better not use me in a song, man! I'm on the run from a lot of creditors!
No problem, Davy. [smiles; prepares to leave when he hits Davy in the head with his bottle of alcohol. Cut to him tossing Davy's body into the sea from a pier with a bar on it] I have absorbed your story, my friend. As the Ancients ate the hearts of lions to gain their strengths! You are one with the Joel now! One with the Joel! [laughs evilly as thunder and lightning clashes]
[A caption then appears saying "Billy Joel's single Piano Man was an international smash hit in 1974." Another caption appears that says "Today it is most downloaded iTunes song." A final caption appears and says "Davy's body was never recovered."]
AAnnie
Leapin' lizards, Molly! It sure is a hard knock life-
MMolly
[interrupting] Actually, we're very lucky Annie.
AAnnie
Being an orphan sure don't feel lucky.
MMolly
Then try being an orphan in the Philippines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who won't live to see puberty.
AAnnie
Well...I sure don't like that mean ol' Miss Hannigan-!
MMolly
What don't you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not performing fellatio on foreign business men? [Annie went silent, taken aback] That's what you don't like?
AAnnie
Uhh...I think I'm gonna go sweep over there for a while, Molly. [walks to her right to where Pepper's washing clothes] Gee, Pepper! Miss Hannigan sure is mean!
PPepper
Yeah! I hate that bitch!
[TIME JUMP: 6 months later]
Daddy Warbucks We sure had a grand adventure, Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?
MSMolly's voice
Overseas orphans! Fellatio on foreign business men! HIV and AIDS!
PPrince
[arrives outside the tower] Ahoy!
PPrincess
Is that my prince?! Oh, I knew you'd save me!
PPrince
Stand back, my love. We will soon be together.
PPrincess
It won't be long now before my prince takes me in his arms and- [but is hit in the back of the head by the prince's hook which makes her smash into a birdcage] Careful, my prince! You almost- [the prince throws his hook again and it attaches to the her dress and drags her to the window. The hook is thrown in again, but hits the chandelier and shatters it's glass. The shards fall onto the princess and stabs her eyes; making her blind] Aaaahhh!!! It's raining glass! I'm blind! Please, stop throwing the hook! [the hook hits her in the head, and then is hooked to her clothing dresser] Is that you, my prince?! [the dresser falls onto her, smashing and killing her. Blood spills everywhere]
PPrince
[climbing] I'm coming, my dear! [reaches the window and lands on the floor] Ah-hah! Now hurry, my love. We don't have much ti- [seeing the princess' blood splattered as she was crushed to death] Oh, geez! You're not even packed!
[Outside shot of Davey drowning in the bay, cuts to inside where Billy Joel is singing his song]
[singing] Pete is a real estate novelist.
Pete [while typing on his laptop]: Hey, that's me!
[singing] That's a cute way of saying "Pete's broke."
[singing] I'll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,
[singing] Cause Pete’s tiny shlong is a joke. [Pete looks horrified] My piano, it sounds like God's symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor. [a man puts money in Billy's tip jar] They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.
[singing] If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning, and they'd blow their brains out on to the floor. [the crowd begins to boo] La, da, di, da, da! [pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent] La, di, di, dolly da! Down on your knees! I'm the Piano God! Pray to the songs that I've sung! Tell me I'm too good to work here! Then put my balls right on your tongue! [smiles as the song ends. Later, outside the bar, he counts his "earnings"] Great. All singles.
PPete
[off-screen in a creepy voice] Hey Joel. [comes up from behind and stabs Billy repeatedly until Billy finally falls over dead. He wipes his brow and sighs happily. His phone rings and he answers, also happily]
PSPete's agent
Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.
PPete
[closes his phone. The shot switches to overhead as he looks to the sky] POETIC JUSTICE!!!!!
[Tony Stark walks into his home, only to find Nick Fury in it]
TTony
Who the hell are you?
NNick
Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've come to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.
TTony
At my house? In the middle of the night? And who the hell are you?
[Camera pans to a burglar holding what appears to be a TV]
NNick
Run, stupid! [he and the burglar run away, knocking over Stark in the process]
You know, Donkey Kong, at $137 a barrel, this is a tremendous a-waste. [takes a barrel] I keep it a-now.
