Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Snooper Do you know why we're here?
Damn These Laff-A-Lympics! Even though we cheat, we always lose, but not this time.
They're gone. They're all gone, even.
What's going on Yogi?
[over Hong Kong Phooey's dead body] He's dead! He's dead! And he's a dog?
Like what the [Bleep] are you doing man?
So long, Flash! You'll have to pick up the pace if you want to catch Reverse Flash!
Uh! Again with Reverse Flash! He looks just like me, but with the exact opposite color scheme, brilliant.
At least he wears a mask. Bizzaro Superman looks just like me, but with a face like somebody threw up in an ice tray. Seriously, looks like someone shit out kryptonite and then put it on someone's face again.
Have you ever seen Negative Wonder Woman?
[wearing sleeves and stockings, displaying her breasts and pubes] Hey Wonder Woman! [Bleep] you! Now where did I leave my visible jet? Oh, look, there it is. Easy to find!
Don't grab her or anything.
I grab her.
Grab her till she couldn't walk. Booyah!
You know, like the rest of the world, soccer is called "football". [two police officials attack the barfly] Hey! Hey-Ow! Ow! What's goin' on?! Why are you touching-?!
Hello, there. What you've just seen was a dramatization of the new Asshole laws enacted by Congress, which going to effect January 1st. It's now a federal offense to point out that soccer is actually called football.
Uh, in fact, no Star Trek episode contains the words, "Beam me up, Scotty." Agh! Ow, ow, my arm! My-argh! Ow! Ow-how! [It's the law, asshole!]
You know, Iceland is actually green, and Greenland is actually icy. Argh! Agh, agh-ha! Oh, help me, help me, help, me, help! [It's the law, asshole!]
Heroes is way better, because it actually answers stuff. On Lost, they don't even know what they're doing. Oof! What are you doing?! No, wait! Ooh, ugh, ooh, agh, oof, ugh! [It's the law, asshole!]
[A massive rain storm is falling on the Smurf Village]
Papa Smurf Papa Smurf it's smurfing like a mothersmurfer. What if the dam breaks?
This is exactly why I'm Papa Smurf and you're just...uhhh...uh...uh which smurf are you?
Oh I'm Army Corp of Engineer Smurf.
That Dam was smurfed by the finest construction crew the forest has to offer.
[Cuts to several beavers. One has it's head stuck in a bucket, one is hiting it's head against a tree and one is humping another beaver. Suddenly the crappy wooden dam, just a few logs piled haphazardly across the river, breaks]
I did't evacuate when them chipmunks went rabid, and that was bad. Sure as hell ain't evacuating for a little rain.
[Flood water then crushes him. Smurf village is shown flooded, with Smurf bodies floating in the water]
Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail?
[News footage shows bodies, two smurfs holding up a sign that says "Smurf Fema" before a hawk swoops in and grabs one of them and a smurf looting a T.V from an appliance store. Cuts to Gargamel's home, who is watching Anderson Copper on TV]
I've spent my entire adult life trying to find the smurf village. How did Anderson [bleep]ing Copper find it in less than a day?
And where is the king during the greatest crisis the forest has ever known?
Papa Smurf says that the king doesn't care about blue people and Papa Smurf is always right because Papa Smurf... [begins to look around surprised] Papa Smurf?
Anderson Copper": What is it Brainy?
Usually the other smurfs kick me out of the village when I start talking too much, but...there are no smurfs left!
[Brainy starts crying. Gargamel is scooping up dead smurfs in a fishing net]
Ha Ha Ha! This is the best day of my life! RaHe He Heee!. [cutting up smurf bodies, putting them in blenders and pulling out a bowl of smurfs from the oven. Cut to him at the dinner table] Triumph at last! Hahahaha. [takes a bite of the smurf meal and immediately has a disgusted look on his face. He then takes the plate of smurfs over to the garbage can throws them away. He picks up the phone and makes a call, depressed] Hello it's Gargamel, yes the usual. Oh with fried rice please! For one. [hangs up phone and sighs]
[dancing to the music with her doll] Doo! Doo! Doo! Doo! I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus!
[crashes through the front door] I knew it! [throws his briefcase to the floor] That [bleep]ing Whore! [storms out the door and slams it shut. He arrives at the North Pole at a igloo and enters by kicking the ice door open revealing a trio of Eskimo brothers inside] Where is he?! Where's that Mother[bleep]er Santa Claus?!?!
What the hell man?! He's not real!
Do you know how long it takes to carve an ice door?!
[The husband grunts and pulls out a knife, and punches Eskimo 1 in the face five times, the final time knocking him into a tree and knocking him out, he then stabs Eskimo 2 in the stomach three times, then takes out a gun and shoots Eskimo 2 five times, killing him]
Oh! Ooh! My Brothers!!!
[threateningly] Now, Where's Santa Claus? [hits Eskimo 3 with the butt stock of the gun four times and sticks the gun one arms length the way in the face]
Oh! Okay! Okay! He's-He's...delivering gifts you know, that's what he does! So, he's not gonna be back for quite some time!
[The scene cuts to the outside of the igloo where Husband leaves and throws back a small grenade destroying the Igloo; killing Eskimos 1 and 3. The husband comes back home through the front door]
[on the phone with Mike] Oh no, wait...He just walked in. [hangs up and gives her husband a hug] Where have you been?
[angrily] I know!
[confused] Know what?
Susie saw you, KISSING SANTA CLAUS!!!!!
That's Just a song, Silly! [plays the song]
[realizes] Oh, ha, ha, That makes sense! Man, I gotta start listening to more music!
I am [bleep]ing the Neighbor though.
Mike? How's he doing?
[Joseph and the pregnant Mary entered the stable in Bethlehem as she goes into labour]
Joseph, why couldn't you get us a room?
There weren't any rooms left, Mary.
Oh, my vagina's about to splat out an entire human being, and they couldn't find me a bed?!
It's okay, honey. This will be fine.
[As Mary gives birth, all the farm animals started farting]
Ohh! Ew! Oh, Joseph! Uhh! [accidentally farts]
[waving his hand] Oh, God! Whew! No more falafel for you.
Sorry. [in pain] Aaahhh!
Okay, okay, now push. Push. [the animals continue to fart] Okay, that was good, honey. You're doing great. I'll go get you some water.
[As Joseph gets some water, the pig starts going into Mary's private parts]
Joseph! [Joseph pushes the pig out of the way] Ew! Oh! Oh, here it comes! [as the animals continues to fart] Aaahhh! Aaaahhhh!
Okay, baby, keep breathing. This is it, now! Oh, honey, that's it! I can see it! I can see the head! Now push!
[The animals fart one last time]
Aaahhh! [finished giving birth] Our baby! [holding her son] Little Jesus...he's so beautiful.
[Baby Jesus farts]
Hello? Is everything okay? I heard yelling. Oh, it's very dark in here. [about to light the match]
[alarmed, slow motion] No-o-o-o-o!
[The old man lit up the match, but there is a huge explosion, and the fire shot up to the sky, mistaken as the Christmas Star]
That must be the sign we're looking for! The lord Jesus Christ is born!
[Husband lighting up the Christmas lights, and the Christmas lights where it says, "Happy Holidays"]
Wow! Awesome! Go, Dad!
Oh, ho, ho, my goodness, dear! [the Christmas lights malfunction, spark and the H letter gets set on fire] Oh, my God!
[All the Christmas lights letters caught on fire]
Oh, my God!
[The neighbor's rooftop on the left caught on fire]
Oh, my God!
[The neighbor has a fire on his head. He fall nude out of the window, the three kids run away outside, the neighbor's wife, in lingerie, falls out of the house, the neighbor crawls away, the dog that's on fire runs away, and accidently melts the snowman]
[rolling faster on the wheelchair to the kid, screaming] I'M ON FIRE!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?! [grabs the kid who screamed]
[Cut to the kid as an adult]
And that's why I turned to Judaism.
Uh, Dad, that's a great story, but I think you forgot to blow out the menorah.
[The menorah has set the house on fire]
Damn it!
[At the office Christmas party]
[having fun with girls] Whoooooo! I love Office Christmas Parties!
Ha ha ha! Oh, Dave is a riot at these things!
But, I'm Dave.
But then, who's-
[appears before Santa] Dude, we are falling way behind! Let's get outta here!
Hello Pac-Man. What if I told you that everything you know is a lie. Your just a part of a computer program.
What are you talking about?
Eat the red pellet & you will go further down the rabbit hole.
[Pac-Man eats the pellet & in a spoof of The Matrix Pac-Man gets shot by Pinky & Inky & dies. The screen reads "Game Over"]
[On the set of an episode of Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego]
Time Pilots, Carmen has stolen the Brooklyn Bridge! We need you to head to the year it was built and bring back that bridge!
You heard her, kids. We've gotta retrieve the Brooklyn Bridge- [his cellphone rings] Uh...I gotta take this. [answers it] Janine, I'm doing the show. I told you we'd talk about it later.
[on the phone] I don't wanna talk about it later.
Well, I have more to say.
[on the phone] No, now!
No, not now! What the [bleep]? You want me to lose my job?!
[on the phone] I don't care if you...
Oh, nice. He's there now, isn't he?
[on the phone] Um...
[briefly shakes in rage] You mother[bleep]ing whore! Well, then I want my jacket back!
[on the phone] No way!
Yes way! It's my [bleep]ing jacket!
[on the phone] It was a gift!
NO! A gift is something you give to someone you love, you dumb bitch! [shuts his cellphone] Uh...hey, kids! Uh, that was the Chief again, and, uh...she said she made a mistake. Carmen didn't steal the Brooklyn Bridge after all. She actually stole a magical leather jacket, and we need your help to get it back, so are you with me?
What's so magic...?
[blatantly ignoring their question] And we're off!
[We cut to Kevin driving a car with the time pilots]
Aren't we supposed to be answering questions?
[visibly on the verge of a breakdown] I'll give you a question: What year did that [bleep]ing bitch ruin my life? Don't know? Trick question! She ruined three [bleep]ing years of my life! Is this Franklin Street? [we cut to Janine's house entrance, where he cries in a mix of utter rage and despair about his jacket] You whore! I loved you, and you [bleep]ed it all up! I gave this to you because it meant something, stupid! That was the day you said you loved me! What was that day, kids?
November 8th.
November [bleep]ing 8th! Three points for you, kids! [we cut back to him and the time pilots in the car, quiet for a moment, he begins to cry uncontrollably again for a solid 15 seconds before the screen snaps to a strip club, where a woman climbs up a pole; drinking off his ass] When did firemen first start using poles?
1878?
Bingo! [we cut back to him in the car while the pilots are out; completely [bleep]faced drunk] Hooray! Carmen is saved!
Where are we...?
I ask the questions! [then drives off, but almost immediately crashes into a pole and dies, which ends the sketch]
Hey, what's on the menu today?
I thought the inmates would enjoy a nice change of pace. Broccoli, baked beans, coffee ice cream, and Red Bull.
Oh, my God.
[After dinner, the inmates are rioting, beating themselves with trays, drawing on the walls, and farting incessantly. Switches to TiVo listing, with the following dialogue unseen]
I think I've had enough of that show. Delete!
[Delete? Are you sure you want to delete: Robot Chicken: "Boo Cocky? Yes No"]
[highlights "No" and selects. Goes up and down the queue throughout] Hey, what are you doing?
I don't want Robot Chicken on the DVR.
No, I love Robot Chicken.
It's all farting and retards.
Well, I like it.
Tough titties.
Ass! We split the cable bill.
TV doesn't have to be stupid...
I want...
[cont'd] ...it can be challenging, even brainy...
[cocks his shotgun] Oh, yeah? You want something brainy on the TV?! [BLAM! Blood splatters on the screen, and the queue stops] There! Ha ha ha! Oh, man. I ain't going to prison. [BLAM! More blood splattered.]
[sound of opening door] Oh, my God! Gary! Enrique! I better call 911! [dials] But I might as well watch a little Robot Chicken while I wait for the cops. [selects "Boo Cocky" and watches. Scene goes back to the rioting, farting inmates]
[narrating] I flossed and brushed my teeth again. They say, "Only floss the ones you wanna keep"; I always liked that joke. Then I swished around some mouthwash; kills gingivitis. Damn gingivitis. Leading cause of gum disease. Saw an old lady tryin' to cross the street. Grandma couldn't have been less than 90-years-old; probably seen a lot over those years; lots of stories to tell and a family that loves her. [spoken] Let me help you out, granny. Stop the cars to make sure granny could cross, I'm walkin' here! I loved that line. [narrating] Then I saw some pussy that made my heart stop. Pussy was caught up in the tree; little kid cryin' for it. Poor kid, probably not old enough to tie his shoes in his damn kitten's life is in my hands. [spoken] Here you go, buddy. [narrating] Tipped the barista $5 for my soylatte. These latte's are good; good enough to kill for, but I never do that. Killing is bad, unless you're killing gingivitis.
[saw Tarzan yelling] My goodness! Father, what was that?
It appears to be a jungle dwelling ape man.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I meant that.
Oh. That's a penis.
I think I like penis.
Well, you are your mother's daughter.
[In a doctor's office, the doctor is about to give a boy named Arthur a vaccination]
Now, this will only hurt for a second. [Arthur screams, swats his arms, and flinches, knocks the syringe out of the doctor's hand. It flies into the air and comes down, impaling the doctor in the eye!] MY EYE!!! MY EYE!!! [as he groans in pain and stumbles out through the door, he bumps into a table, and a box of scalpels falls off of it and onto the floor. He then steps on the scalpels, which impale his foot. He screams in even more pain and stumbles face first into a glass-doored display case, impaling him further with glass shards! We then cut to the office's waiting room, where several patients are awaiting their appointments and checkups. He then bursts through the door, now injured, flailing his arms and stumbling around. Everyone flees in terror, and an old woman hits him in the face with her purse, knocking him out the window, where he falls into a dumpster below. Stumbling around on a sidewalk in the city streets, he bounces into the way of a passing car and collides with it, which spins out of control, hits some pedestrians who are strolling on the sidewalk, and crashes into the wall of a porcupine farm. Next, he flies through the farm's window, where he is impaled by the porcupines' quills. Finally, he stumbles out through the front door and screams in agony. We cut back to the doctor's office, where it is shown that the whole thing never happened, he's fine and talking to Arthur from the beginning of the sketch] And that's what'll happen if you flinch. [Arthur holds out his arm, awaiting the shot] Oh, no, Arthur, this shot doesn't go in your arm. It goes in the tip of your penis.
I'm Danny Ocean, and for this caper, we're gonna need more than 11, 12 or 13 guys. So, team one, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Carl Reiner, Elliott Gould, Scott Caan, Shaobo Qin, Eddie Jemison, Andy Garcia, Leonardo DiCaprio, Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, William Shatner, Topher Grace, Christopher Walken, Justin Timberlake, Antonio Banderas, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurtwood Smith, Bruce Campbell, Jackie Chan and "Weird Al" Yankovic, you start a fight at the bar. Then team two, Sylvester Stallone, Erik Estrada, David Letterman, Vince Vaughn, Leonard Nimoy, Vladmir Putin, Frankenstein, my niece Susie, Koko the Gorilla, panda with a monocle, Peter Pan, John Denver's corpse, a mime, Sherlax the Devourer of Worlds and Ryan Seacrest, you'll slip in the back. Any questions?
No!
Then let's do this.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
