[The title card forms while a wolf howls in the background. We then cut to Randy's house]
RRandy
Mom, where's my costume?!
MMrs. McCormick
[pulls out a pink Power Rangers costume] Here it is, Randy: Power Rangers costume, just like you asked.
RRandy
It's a girl's costume! [the doorbell rings; horrified] My friends are here!
MMrs. McCormick
Nobody cares what color your costume is.
[But later, his friends laugh uncontrollably as Randy dresses up as the female Power Ranger]
TOTrick Or Treater 1
Randy's going as Elton John this year.
RRandy
[Bleep] you guys! Mom, I need a trick or treat bag!
MMrs. McCormick
We're out of shopping bags, honey. Just use this. [hands him a purse]
[The other kids continue to laugh]
TOTrick Or Treater 2
Nice purse, lady!
[We cut to a neighbor's house]
YMYoung Man
Here you are, little girl. [gives Randy some candy]
[The others start to snicker at this]
RRandy
That does it! I'm going home. [unsuccessfully tries to remove his helmet] It's too small. I...I can't get it off!
[They snicker louder]
TOTrick Or Treater 3
This is the greatest Halloween ever.
[A set of sports car tires screeches behind the boys]
TOTrick Or Treater 4
[fearfully] It's Armpit! RUN!
[The trick-or-treaters scream and run, and then we cut to Armpit himself]
AArmpit
[chuckles evilly and grabs one kid] Come here! [then throws him on the house behind him, and them grabs two more, smacks them into each other, and takes their bags. He spots Randy, thinking he's a girl] Hey, baby. You, me, going for a ride.
RRandy
[frightened] No...
[The two drive off in Armpit's car]
TOTrick Or Treater 5
[worried] Oh, no. Armpit's gonna rape Randy.
[Later, Armpit shakes his car in distress, making it squeak. But it turns out he's hugging Randy while crying]
AArmpit
[weeping and wailing] Nobody...understands me! I-I tried to fit in, but I'm filled with so much rage! Why did my soccer coach do that to me?! [groans and wails some more, then calms down] You know what, sweet heart? I didn't even get your name.
[A gunshot sounds with a light that is held by a police officer next to the car]
PPolice Officer
Are you Randy McCormick?
RRandy
[gasping in amazement before getting out of the car] Yes! Oh, thank goodness you're here! I'm Randy McCormick!
AArmpit
[shocked and disgusted] Randy McCormick?! I'm gonna kill you, man! [groans, and drives away into the night]
PPolice Officer
Randy, I'm afraid your mom's dead.
RRandy
[shocked] What?!?!
PPolice Officer
It was a fire, son. [hands Randy a letter] It appears that she could only write this note that said she never loved you.
PPolice Officer
Right before she shot your dog. [pause, brightens] Have a happy Halloween. [then drives away, too, leaving Randy all alone in the night]
It started to rain at a quarter to two
When the children both cried,
BBoth
"We've got nothing to do!"
They played their ker-plunkers and spun their spin-daddies,
Why, they even found mother's vibrate-a-ratties.
When suddenly, there came a knock at the door.
The boy nudged his sister:
SBSeuss Boy
"Go get it, you whore!"
She rose from her seat and walked towards the noise.
SGSeuss Girl
"Who could it be?"
But what entered the house through the fog oh so thick
Was the Cat in the Hat with an enormous dick.
He sang a short song and played a few toots,
When all of a sudden, he noticed poor Boots.
The boy searched around for a pen and a pad.
SBSeuss Boy
"This guy's a pro, much better than dad."
But before the two children could learn a new trade,
The Cat pushed them outside,
CICat in the Hat
"I'm trying to get laid!"
So with nowhere to go but over the hill,
The children set off to the town of Whoreville.
They passed a few vagrants, a hooker, a corpse,
Trying their best not to vomit, of course.
Though it got very hard as they passed by a can,
Where a man tried to [Bleep] out some Blue Eggs and Spam.
Finally, they arrived at their mom's place of work,
As a jolly old man walked out with a smirk.
It was Itchy McGray, who was there every day,
And though his doctors sure pleaded, he could not stay away.
He had caught whore diseases, he has picked at whore scabs,
Why, he even picked up a case of "whore crabs."
But, all of a sudden, he started to run,
Because the children's drunk father showed up with a gun!
He was mean, he was mad, he was seven feet tall,
But the bulge in his pants was two sizes too small.
Which may have explained why he went on a spree,
Of shooting the whores as they started to flee.
SDSeuss Dad
"One bitch, two bitch, old bitch, new bitch!"
He said with a laugh as their bodies did twitch.
He stared at his wife as he squeezed on his GLOCK.
SDSeuss Dad
"I know it's your job, but why'd you Hop on my Pop?"
SMSeuss Mom
"We needed the cash,"
She said through her tears,
SMSeuss Mom
"And besides, you haven't touched me in years.
But I've got just the thing!"
She knew just what to do.
SMSeuss Mom
"Let's go home right now and make three kids, not two."
And so, the kids' father got his own way,
And the bulge in his pants grew three sizes that day.
And the low-income family began life anew...
...At least 'til next month, when the rent would come due.
[MTV Exposed appears across the screen in a television theme]
DDater
Really? The whole budget's just the camera and the van.
DDater
Oh, now? Okay. Oh, this is royally gonna kick ass!
[from inside] I know! I'm gonna use the lie detection soft-ware to see which one the producer's told the lie to you. And you'll hit the other one in the face with your dick!
DDater
Boo-yah! And I'll give you sloppy seconds. Up top! Sloppy seconds!
[from inside] This show is awesome!
DDater
[seeing Barbie and Yasmin walking up to him] Dude, dude, dude! Here they come.
YYasmin
Wussup. I'm Yasmin.
[from inside] Bitches ain't lyin'!
DDater
So Barbie, how do you kick it?
BBarbie
Well, I'm a doctor, Olympic skater, a scientist and a homemaker. And I like pink.
[from inside] Oh, snap! We got stuff in common!
DDater
How about you, Yasmin? How you get down?!
YYasmin
I like a man that takes care of me. I enjoy clubbing. Ooohhh! And shopping. I'm kind of a brat and I designed my own tramp stamp.
[from inside] That's you, and me, dude!
[We see Barbie, Yasmin, and the dater at the picnic table]
BBarbie
Mmm, I love salad.
[from inside] She is lyin', dude!
DDater
Do you really enjoy salad, Yasmin?
YYasmin
Well, I am more into meat. [takes out the hotdog, and feels it with her face] Mmm-hmm. You know what I'm talking about?
[from inside the van, losing control] Oh, man. Oh man, she's telling t-the truth. She's telling...the truth.
BBarbie
[annoyed] Hello, I was a space-shuttle commander! I have an R.V. and a convertible!
[heard from the inside van, which is vibrating] It's true. It's true. She likes it, dog. She's likes it.
DDater
Oh, hell, yeah! I choose you! [grabs Yasmin and makes out with her]
BBarbie
This is bull[bleep]! We still have 20 minutes left on the show!
YYasmin
Is that the hot topic?
[The annoyed Barbie leaves]
DDater
I knew I'd beat that whore.
DDater
Oh, you del...oh, you taste like other men, though.
YYasmin
Oh, yes. This is doing wonders for my self-esteem.
DDater
Oh, I feel [bleep] crawling on me already, [in a sing-song voice] but I don't care!
[The van exploded as they continued to make out]
BBBob The Builder
Why, someone left this job half-done! Can we fix it?
SMScoop, Muck, Dizzy, Roley
Yes, we can!
UMUnion Member
[surrounded by two goons] Ain't nobody finishing nothing.
BBob
I'm sorry, who are you?
UMUnion Member
We're from the union, and we say you don't have the right equipment for this job.
BBob
Well, we have all the equipment we need.
UMUnion Member
Really? You got a talking briefcase full of hundred-dollar bills over there?
BBob
No, but... Oh, okay.
[Goons push and pound Bob between them and the Union Guy kicks him in the balls]
UMUnion Member
Sure, asshole! [The Union Boss breaks Spud's carrot nose off and punches him in the face] Hope you like smelling what you eat!
[Pilchard the cat attacks the Union member. Bob uses his drill on a goon's face. Spud grabs a shovel and beats the goons with it]
BBob
Spud, don't forget to wear your safety goggles.
SSpud
Aw, thanks, Bob. [resumes beating the goon and the Union member runs away]
RRoley
Whew, rock and roll! [flattens the Union member]
BBob
Now, dig these motherfuckers a grave, Scoop!
SScoop
[digging a hole] No prob, Bob!
[Muck loads the dead Union member and goons into the hole, Scoop pushes them in, and Dizzy pours cement on top]
SSpud
[screwing his nose back on] Ew, New Jersey smells like bad tuna, can we go home now?
KKowl
[flies into the Crystal Castle] Oh! Mantenna and Grizzlor are attacking the Whispering Woods! We need She-Ra!
MRMadame Razz
Shh! Kowl, this is not a good time.
KKowl
Not a good time?! But they're slaughtering the Twiggets!
MRMadame Razz
The Twiggets will have to wait. Adora has a visitor.
KKowl
A visitor? What kind of visitor?
MRMadame Razz
Her "Aunt Flo" is in town.
KKowl
[confused] Adora doesn't have an Aunt Flo.
SSpirit
[quickly enters] Madame Razz, where is Adora? Shadow Weaver and Leech are attacking the Crystal Castle!
MRMadame Razz
Sorry, Spirit. She can't help you right now.
SSpirit
But we need She-Ra!
MRMadame Razz
Adora's riding the "cotton pony" if you get my meaning-
SSpirit
What, she got another horse?
MRMadame Razz
No, Spirit, it's not a real-
SSpirit
I turn into Swift Wind! Can this cotton pony do that?
BBo
[quickly enters] Madame Razz! Catra, Scorpia and Entrapta are attacking Castle Bright Moon.
MRMadame Razz
She-Ra is unavailable, Bo.
MRMadame Razz
Yes! Adora is...um..."floating on the crimson tide" right now.
BBo
What the hell does this have to do with a particular type of algae bloom common to the Eastern Gulf of Mexico?!
MRMadame Razz
Ugh! Never mind. Neither Adora nor She-Ra can help any of you right now. Come back in, say, five days. Maybe four if it's a light month.
KKowl
But we need She-Ra!
[Kowl, Spirit, and Bo all start complaining together]
AAdora
[kicks down the doors; enraged] SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!! SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UP!!!!! What does it take to get some peace and quiet around here?! [Kowl, Spirit, and Bo all talk at once] You want She-Ra?! Is that it?! Huh?! Here she comes! [pulls out the Sword of Protection] For the honor of Greyskull, I am She-Ra! [transforms into She-Ra, before turning Spirit into Swift Wind] NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY!! [she and Swift Wind fly through the wall]
MRMadame Razz
Oh, dearie me, this isn't good.
[Outside the Crystal Castle, Leech pulls off the door with his hands before holding it over his head]
LLeech
Why do I always have to be the one who...
[Swift Wind lands on the door, crushing Leech and sending Shadow Weaver flying]
SWShadow Weaver
No, wait!
[She-Ra jumps over and rips out Shadow Weaver's spine, before letting her dead body slump to the floor. Then, outside Castle Bright Moon, she cuts off Scorpia's tail]
[She-Ra then kills her before using the tail to murder Catra]
EEntrapta
Why, you! [She-Ra grabs her breasts] AAHHH!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! AAAHHHHHH!!!!!
[pulls Entrapta's breasts out and turns] Get over here!
[In the Whispering Woods, She-Ra starts strangling Mantenna causing his eyes to pop out which she grabs]
[She-Ra rips off Mantenna's head. Grizzlor tries to make a run for it]
Oh, no, you don't! [painfully kicks him up the backside. Next, she and Swift Wind are seen returning to the Crystal Castle flying through the giant gaping hole she had made] There! Now can I get some [bleep]ing sleep?! [dismounts Swift Wind to reveal she is wearing Grizzor on her foot like a shoe, and heads back to her room]
GGrizzlor
Argh! Kill me! Please kill me!
SHUT UP!!! [slams the door shut]
