BMBlack Midget
Yeah! Then the five-O plant the DMA evidence. You can't trust to police! One time a police take my shoeshine box. Beat me with it! My lordy!...What? Every black man on TV gots to be a posamative role model?
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
DDog
But the DNA evidence matched 13 out of 13 tests. The defendant is clearly guilty.
JJack
...Uh, you're a fucking dog. So let's go over this again.
JJudge
Jack Backett, you are charged with double homicide. How do you plead?
JJack
Not guilty, your honor.
JFJury Foreman
This is gonna be fun! Yee-haw!
[Dog busts into the courtroom with a gun]
GIGuy in the courtroom
Oh my God! He's got a gun!
DDog
Nobody listened to me before! Jack must die! [starts going postal in the courtroom]
Tune in next time when every dog has its day.
[Papa Smurf and Brainy are in Vanity's house, investigating the latter's murder, in a parody of Seven]
One thing's for certain, Brainy. Vanity Smurf died the way he lived.
BBrainy
Bicurious?
[Brainy Smurf enters Smurfette's house, when all of a sudden, he sees Jokey holding a box.]
JJokey
Oh, Brainy. Hi, Brainy!
BBrainy
Oh, no, Jokey! Your sick sense of humor, your total disregard for smurf safety, your Se7en movie trading card collection. You're the killer!
JJokey
I got you a present!
BBrainy
What's in the box, Jokey, what's in the box!?
JJokey
It's a surprise!
BBrainy
[opens the box] Nooo!!! Oh, Smurfette, noooo!!!
[The box explodes]
JJokey
Hahaha! Surpriiiiiise!!! Mwahahahaha!!!
BBrainy
What the hell is wrong with you?
POPat O'Brien
The new Fall TV season is starting, and The Insider has the scoop on all the new series. P.S. to the competition: go [Bleep] yourselves! This year's Amazing Race will be more amazing than ever, now that religious deities are joining the action.
[Scene changes to a man and a woman in the middle of a desert with a flat tire]
MMan
Oh, Jesus, please help us! Jesus!
I'm here. I've brought you a tire iron, my son.
MMan
Praise Jesus!
[Jesus is fixing the tire when more contestants arrive]
WOWoman on camel
Mr. Christ, please help steer this camel!
MIMan in taxi
Oh, Lord Jesus, we could really go for some cab fair.
M3Man #3
[offscreen] Whoo! Buddha's the way to go, jackass!
[Buddha drives onscreen in a motorcycle with the man sitting in a sidecar]
BBuddha
Buddha's all up in your grill! [drives away]
POPat O'Brien
Tired of their liberal shenanigans, Fox owner Rupert Murdoch fired Simpsons creator Matt Groening, and promises same show, brand new attitude this season.
Homer Simpson and Apu Nahasapeemapetilon are at the Kwik-E-Mart]
HHomer
Morning Apu! One order of Freedom Fries, please.
AApu
Oh, for the love of my heathen God! They're called french fries, you fat, stupid American!
[Suddenly, officers of the Department of Homeland Security barge through the door holding rifles]
HSHomeland Security Officer
Department Of Homeland Security, don't move!
AApu
But...
[The Department Of Homeland Security officer knocks Apu down with the butt of his rifle and all the officers point their guns at Apu; scene changes to The Simpsons family at a barbeque]
SSimpsons
Happy birthday, America!
MMarge
Mmm, I hope Apu has learned his lesson.
[Scene then changes to a naked Apu chained to the neck by Lynndie England in a detention prison]
AApu
I am so sorry I ever dared question the wisdom and strength of the United States of America.
LELynndie England
Damn straight! Yee-haw!
POPat O'Brien
Uh-oh! J.Lo's new bow is a no-go on the phone-o. But take it from P.O., her new line of Day-Glo Faygo will make fans say "HO!" And now we enter day three of our Kirsten Dunst headache watch. Kiki's representatives insist the megastar's just fine, but eyewitness accounts say otherwise.
[A woman is at a duty-free shop being interviewed]
WWoman
I saw Kirsten Dunst in a duty-free store, uh, buying Tylenol. A LOT of it.
[Scene changes to a medical expert sitting at his desk]
POPat O'Brien
Even medical experts agree.
MEMedical expert
Well, a headache can be indicative of a failed movie deal, or possibly a pregnancy.
BCBone-Chiling Villain
Gahahahaaaa! Sorry little girl, but Queen Beryl needs your life force to take over the planet earth! Gahahahaaaa!
LLuna
Usagi, change into Sailor Moon quickly!
UUsagi
Right! Moon Prism Power, Make Up! [sighs]
[Transforms into Sailor Moon]
SMSailor Moon
In the name of the moon, I will punish...Oh my god!!!
BCBone-Chiling Villain
Hahahaaaa!!! HMMMM! [whispers] What? What is it? OH MAN!! [grabs a garbage can lid and covers his penis] AUGH UH! I-I-I-I don't know why that happened!
SMSailor Moon
Well...Geez!
BCBone-Chiling Villain
I'm so sorry! That is so disrespectful of me! You are pretty hot though!
SMSailor Moon
Should...should we...still fight, because I don't really want to anymore!
BCBone-Chiling Villain
A-A-AWW! You know what, the moment's definitely passed!
SMSailor Moon
Alright! S-See you next time man!
BCBone-Chiling Villain
Nah! Sure! Okay! Um-Um-Another time!
BCBone-Chiling Villain
Queen Beryl, I have failed to bring her Sailor Moon's life force!
QBQueen Beryl
You Fool! Your utter incompetence is dwarfed only by your sheer stupidity! EWW!!!
BCBone-Chiling Villain
AUGH UH I-I'm sorry your majesty it's just...I kinda like it when you yell at me! I-It's Hot!! [gets zapped directly on his penis & falls down]
QBQueen Beryl
Soon I will have your life force, Sailor Moon, and my plan to rule the earth will come to fruition! [notices her erection] Anime sure is weird!
[The A-Team are about to take off in a helicopter]
BB.A.
I ain't flyin', Hannibal! No way, no how!
HHannibal
That sounds perfectly reasonable B.A., now calm down and have some nice milk.
BB.A.
[drinks glass of milk] Mmm, milk, Good for the bones, good for the kids. I pity the fool who ain't got no calcium in his diet!
[Murdock drops a huge TV on B.A.]
FFaceman
Murdock, we drugged the milk! You didn't have to hit him over the head!
[Next scene, aboard the helicopter]
MMurdock
Hey, you know years of drugged milk can lead to severe side effects like Severe lactose intolerance.
[The unconscious B.A. begins farting up a storm]
FFaceman
Damn it, the windows won't roll down!
HHannibal
This is gonna be a long flight...
DDaphne
Gosh, Freddy, are we really going to go all the way?
If one more person says something about my ascot, I'll-damn, it's fashionable!
I suggest we split up. Shaggy and Scooby, you check the campground. Velma, you check the woods. Daphne and I will check out the bunkhouse and have some of that nice mating until you get back.
PDPhyllis Diller
Mate? You? With her? But with that dickey, you couldn't even bag an old bag like me! [laughs]
[slaps her] It's an ascot, you old whore! An ascot!
PDPhyllis Diller
[punches Fred] Well, your "ascot" laid out by this old whore, dickey.
SShaggy
Man, I am one sad dog-food-eating hippie.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.