Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Just kick the ball, you block-head!
But every time I try, you just take the ball away.
This time I won't! Come on already!
[to himself] Maybe this time she means it. I'm really gonna do it! I'm gonna kick the football! This is it! [kicks Lucy] That's for years of humiliation, britch!
Poor Linus...
[insane ranting] That block-head! Everyone's a block-head! Block-head, block-head, block-head!
[talks in the style that most Peanuts adults do] Wah wah, wah wah-wah-wah, wah wah, waaah?
What did he say?
Ugh, I never have any idea what any adult says; it's always that "wah wah wah" crap.
This is different from the time we got lost in France, or when we almost drowned during the great river raft race. I fear just having a positive attitude with strong Christian overtones won't save us this time.
Hold me, sir. [she and Peppermint Patty start French-kissing]
I said "strong Christian overtones"!
I'm at the end of my rope, Lucy. Everybody else is dead, besides you and me. [the Great Pumpkin eats Lucy while Charlie Brown is still talking] I thought being stuck as a pre-pubescent bald kid for 50 years couldn't get any worse. What should we do?
[trying his best impression of Lucy, but failing horribly] You should let the Great Pumpkin eat you!
Meet the kite-eating tree, you ugly son of a bitch!
[At the Surreal Life House]
Welcome to the Surreal Life.
[The scene hows Eric Estrada and Vanilla Ice are both stirring the mix in the bowls, and Ron Jeremy tastes one of them with his hand, much to their disgust]
[dancing with Emmanuel Lewis/Manny Moe] Come on, come on. Get down. [they hug]
[Then shows Trishelle Cannatella relaxing on the chair as Corey Feldman dancing around the room]
Let's take a look at what the Surreal Life Gang has been up to recently.
[to the interviewer] We were really excited to participate in the Iditarod dogsled race, [shows the Surreal Life Gang riding on the dog sled] till one of the dogs fell in love with Manny Moe.
[Shows the Husky dog playing with Emmanuel Lewis/Manny Moe, who tried to run away]
Let's see what's in the store for our Surreal Life folks today.
We have to take the One Ring and destroy it in the fires of Mount Doom.
Ooohhh!
[At the snow mountains called Caradhras, the Surreal Life Gang heard footsteps]
Wait, something's coming!
[The Orcs appeared on their horseback. The Surreal Life Gang runs away, but one of the Orcs cut off Trishelle's head. M.C. Hammer screams and runs away as the Orcs passed by. We cut to Fangorn Forest where the Surreal Life Gang is fighting off the Orcs. Eric shoots arrows at the Orcs and the bird up in the sky as well]
[dressed as the Hobbit] There's no way I'm doin' this! Somebody get me a cab, 'cause I'm goin'- [gets shot through his neck by the arrow and dies]
[Ron defeated the Orcs with the axe. Then he sees another Orc on the horseback. He tosses the axe away and takes out the long censored board. They charged at each other and Ron knocks down the Orc dead]
[as Sméagol] We must helps them! They's our friends! [as Gollum] They hates Manny Moe! [as Sméagol] No, they loves us! [as Gollum] If they dies, we go get pizza! [gets playfully tackled by the same Husky dog]
[dancing to himself] Yep, yep, come and get it, oh, yeah. [urinating on the tree]
[The tree awakens, and revealed to be the Ent. The Ent looks down and sees Vanilla urinating on him. Furious, the Ent crushes Vanilla, who looks up and screamed in terror, with his foot. We cut to the cracks of Mount Doom]
Back to the fires that forged you, evil trinket! [edge breaks, plummets] Aahh! Arrgh!! [Corey Feldman jumps down, grab Vince's hand, grapple hooks the cliff and stops their fall] Corey! You saved me, bro.
You can burn in hell, I just want the ring. [drops down]
Corey, no! ["SPLAT!!" sound] Aw, bro!
Um friends, remember me fondly...in Stand By Me...and in The Lost Boys...only the fist half. [sunken down] Oh, a-a-and Friday the 13th was pretty gooh... [dies]
[Back to the Surreal Life House]
Next time on the Surreal Life...
Well, uh...well, Ron and I had to check out a suspicious meteor.
[We cut to Planet Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back where the Probe Droid is floating around. Ron dressed up as Chewbacca, roared at the Probe Droid to distract him. Then Eric uses the blaster to shoot the Probe Droid]
Listen, uh, I don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but, um, the living room hasn't been vacuumed in weeks and...
Hey, Waterman, I was busy, you know...realigning the planet, or something.
But you drew vacuuming out of the job jar and everyone else...
Face it. Who's gonna save the Earth from a giant meteor while Superman's vacuuming? You? I don't think so.
I could. Hey!
[Cut to a trailer rating screen rated "R" for Righteous. Then, cut to a plane landing in Nazareth as music that sounds similar to the music from the trailer for Kill Bill plays. Then, cut to Jesus on the cross as the Easter Bunny watches in the crowd, and angrily opens his eyes. Then, the title card appears (Kill Bunny). Then, cut to Jesus riding a motorcycle in the jumpsuit worn by The Bride in Kill Bill. Then, cut to Jesus ordering a drink at a bar. Then, cut to a black and white shot of the Easter Bunny playing the flute. Then, cut to Jesus slamming Buck's head in a door]
Where's the bunny?! [cut to him sword-fighting, then cut to him sitting in a car] Wiggle your big toe. Great. I am Jesus, you know.
[Cut to the Jewish man with a crown on a throne pulling out a katana, then cut to Santa and his rabbi ninjas]
Yashi mana!
[The rabbi ninjas run downstairs and cornered Jesus]
Hyah!
[Then Jesus fights the rabbi ninjas with his katana sword]
Oy!
[Then, cut to Jesus and the Easter Bunny sitting down together]
Five-fingered palm of death! [attempts the move, and the Bunny lays a giant pile of eggs; to the camera] Let me try that again.
[Cut to Jesus, dodging his head from the flying axe as he continues to fight the rabbi ninjas, then cut to him sword fighting with Santa in the snow, then a trailer. Elle Driver from Kill Bill walks in and swordfights with Jesus. Jesus punches her in the eye and heals her]
[surprised] Thanks!
It's what I do. [then cuts her in half]
[Cut to Jesus training with George Burns (God), then sword fighting. The title card comes up. Cut to the Easter Bunny and Jesus]
You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?
For a second there, yeah, I kind of did.
[Cut to Jesus sword fighting again, then "Coming Soon", then static as the sketch ends]
Oh, gosh! Bobby Fever smiled at me during homeroom! Do you think he'll ask me to the dance?
Sure! [scoffs] If he's into girls with fat thighs.
[Sabrina winks to the camera while her friend starts crying, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]
Sabrina, my food is on the top shelf, and I can’t reach it, and I’m really hungry! Will you give me some food?
[pretends to reach for the food] Uhhhh… NO!
[Sabrina winks to the camera, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]
[Three children trick-or-treating on Halloween encounter Sabrina, who is dressed as a stereotypical witch, on a bridge]
Ooh, a witch, a witch! Look at the witch!
[mocking the children] Ooh! Ooh! A witch! [grabs the children’s bags and throws them over the bridge] Happy [Bleep]ing Halloween!
Awwwwwww…
[Sabrina winks to the camera, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]
Dammit, dammit, dammit! Years of planning, ruined!
How were we gonna take over the world with a white Michael Jackson, anyway?
Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Everyone just sort of lost interest. I think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much trouble.
[shivering, sitting next to a fire somewhere in a frozen forest] I always pay my taxes. [his nose rises. He breaks the end of it off and throws it in the fire using it for firewood to get warmer until he is rescued] I have no idea where Geppetto is buried. [his nose rises again. He breaks it off and throws it in the fire again]
Am I done yet?
You'll know, She-Ra, you'll know.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
