Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Writing] Wow... look at him... go.
Does your paper have a missed connection section? Take this down! You: Sandy, 5ft blonde, pretty drunk, we made passing eye contact whilst you were giving birth to me. Me: single white male, thick and huge, I tore you up that night, cocoa?
[lapping his own blood] If I could do it all over again, I would do exactly the same thing.
Eat that ketchup nice and good.
I suspect I'm crazy with a capital and sideways Z that's also flipped upside down, interestingly.
That would make you... "craNy"?
[after having sex with his mother] I am no longer a mama's boy. She made me a mama's man.
I'm not violent at all, look! [blasts a laser and kills a group of people playing volleyball]
But you killed those people!
Did I? [aside glance] What he doesn't know is that I'm using reverse psychology on him.
I can tell you're trying to use reverse psychology on me.
That proves he doesn't know!
Interesting. I think you're ready to see yourself for the first time. Not how you imagine yourself, but how you truely are. (holds up a mirror to Xavier, showing him to be a human being)
Hot dang, I'm cured!
(puts down mirror, revealing himself to be an Xavier-like creature) Cured? Who said there was anything wrong with you?
My name is George W. Bush and I approve this message. [cut to a picture of a taco] Tacos rule.
[holds up an egg] This is your brain... [holds up a frying pan] and this is heroin. This is what happens to your brain on heroin. [sets down egg, and smashes it with the pan, holds up pan with egg dripping down] And this is what your body goes through. But it's not over yet. [smashes dishes] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR GRADES! TO YOUR FRIENDS! [smashes cat] TO ALL YOUR STUFF! [smashes TV screen] WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PROFITS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S BAKE SALE! [smashes an old lady; runs outside] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO WORLD ECONOMY! [smashes trash can; kicks a nearby mail box before smashing it] AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GIVES YOU HERPES SIMPLEX A!! AND YOU END UP GETTING A STUPID TATTOO OF A UNICORN! [begins smashing a van a bunch of times setting off it's car alarm] ON YOUR LEFT BUTT-CHEEK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BITCHIN' FIREBIRD, BUT YOU WERE TOO STRUNG OUT TO NOTICE AT THE TIME! [runs away, and home runs a puppy]
[Later, the police surround her]
We just wanna help! [gets his face smashed]
[All the cops jump Rachael]
[smashes all the police men away] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO FAMILY VALUES! [on a building ledge] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE POLLEN COUNT!!! [smashes the buildings wall] Any questions?! [people look at her with confused expressions] ANY QUESTIONS?!?! [smashes herself off the building]
Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What you've just seen was a dramatization of what you, your friends, and your family go through if you don't get regular prostate exams. Now we Transformers don't have organic internal organs, and can't get cancer. But you do, and you can.
So get your ass checked out before it's too late, turkeys!
This has been a message from the Cybertronian Medical Association.
This is me, and this is Stalin. [draws love heart] We're married.
The year is 1966 and Walt Disney is dead! [scene cuts to Disney's dead body] The beloved cartoonist, moviemaker, and hero to the American Family, left specific instructions to be carried out upon his death.
Okay, do it.
[The doctor decapitating Walt's head with a chainsaw]
Did he really say this should be done with a chainsaw?
[punches the man] Never question him!
The public would never know what mad experiments took place under the Matterhorn that day!
[The scientists finished a robotic experiment with Walt Disney's head]
Did it work?
[waking up] I...hunger.
Bring in the first Cuban Child! [scientists bringing the Cuban boy, who is scared] Walt Disney must feed!
Yes. Yes!
[crying and scared] Ayúdame! Ayúdame!
YES!!!
[The scene cuts to outside the Matterhorn as the child screaming in agony was heard. Years later at Orlando, Florida]
As the years went by, Disney's power would grow. He demanded a Disney park be built in Florida so he could be closer to his Cuban food supply.
[We cut to the janitor cleaning the floors while whistling. Then he heard the noise and noticed the robotic Disney walking along the corridors, eating the Cuban child. The janitor freezes in terror]
Sir, I need your approval on these extension plans.
BUSY, EATING!!!
[walks toward the janitor in a threatening way] You didn't see anything, you got that?!
God, help me!
[The guard kicks Janitor in the crotch as he screams in pain]
Walt Disney's lust for the flesh of Cuban children, was kept under control, until one fateful day...
[Fade to the living room where the robotic Walt Disney and the guards are watching the news on TV]
The long journey of Elián González has finally come to a close. After being taken by Federal Agents from his temporary home in Miami, Little Elián has been reunited with his family in Cuba.
[reacts, negatively] Elián? ELIÁN?!
[Disney grows into a giant crushing his Secretary and Guard and destroying the park]
ELIÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁN!!! [rushes toward Cuba]
[Cuban Soldiers are alerted]
Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!
[Disney destroys soldier flying war planes. As he reached Cuba, all the Cuban People screamed in terror]
ELIÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁN!!!!!!!!! [shoots lasers on Cuban homes]
[walking towards Disney] Here I am!
Elián?
If it will stop devastation...on my beloved Cuban people, I will sacrifice myself to you.
[Disney walks menacingly to take Gonzalez]
[pushes Elián aside] Die, American beast!!! [shoots Walt Disney in forehead and dies]
[Cuban people cheer]
We must always remember the sacrifices made today by the brave Cuban soldiers, whose deaths will not be known outside of Cuba thanks to the American embargo.
[annoyed, shoots him dead; record scratch heard in the background] I love doing that!
So, you told them the wrong time on purpose?
Yep, God hates freaks.
That doesn't sound like God.
"That doesn't blah-blah-blah!"
Well, then, why did you let the pixie fairies on board?
[shocked] I DID?! [grabs a mallet, heads downstairs, and attempts to kill them] Get back here, you little dust tosser! [whacks three times]
[laughing, talking to animals in boat] You guys are gonna drown, but we're a mermaid and a merman! We can swim!
[bites mermaid's head off] I hope you can also asexually reproduce, butthole.
Crap.
[Outtakes with Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise during the same sketch]
I'm in awe of headless Ponch. He's very attractive. [take] Headless pouch.
[Take]
Headless pouch. Ponch. Ponch. Ponch. Go.
[Take]
Headless stick. Ha ha ha!
[Take]
Excuse me. I just farted in a very musical tone. [making babbling noise]
[smacks Dom] Shut up!
Ruff!
[Take]
I like being an American. I like ev-ery-thing ABOUT...being Burt. Being Burt, being Burt, being Burt. Gosh, it's good.
[Take; Dom burps; take]
I want to show you something that I'm very proud of...and it's gonna scare the living [bleep] out of you. Ha ha ha! You will have to step back just a few feet. [take] Print. Pfft. Lunch.
[after running over a girl dressed as a park ranger in his car] Yeah. Sorry about that, folks!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
