“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

It’s always the last door holds thy deepest reward.

I don't want to play with dollies, Mommy. I want to ramble the world to help folks.

What's wrong, little girl?

I can't go to Heaven, 'cause I'm gay.

I'll smuggle you to Heaven, via the Under-brown Male-road.

Once I shove you through this Trojan Arse, you'll be the first gay homo in Heaven.

The Blackie Robinson Uncle Tom, crusoe-mo!

Intruder alert! There has been a breach in the system! Heaven will self destruct in 10 seconds if the intruder does not reveal themselves: 10... 9...

Okay. It's me!

You have sacrificed yourself for the good of the whole. You are now the new messiah. What will be your first act as messiah?!

My first act is...

To drop the act! Now give me some white women for the first black man in Heaven!

Try opening all the doors at once.

(holds ropes tied to the doors) Yes, overload the system! (twists and opens every door at once)

We–

are–

all–

just–

play–

ers–

in–

the–

game–

of–

life!

(After 'saving' the people from cryostasis) I rescued you from icy demise! All your life are belong to me!

(After killing people he 'saved' from cryostasis) That's it! I give up! I sacrificed everything - even your lives - for you people, and what do I get?!

(Whilst peeling off a dead man's face and using it as a mask) I'll just fit in. Take on a normal life! Meet a nice job; hold down a well paying family!

(To himself in a mirror) Okay, you look normal. Now just act normal. Clutch the dark purple hairs of the galloping orangutan of normalicy and ride, nigga, ride!

Huh, impressive. You have a fresh approach to being normal. You think outside the box.

(After being put on the spot for a new business idea by Peterson) I know I was moving my hot dog in and out of Peterson's wife's buns last night.

My wife is dead.

I never said it was consensual. Don't worry, I used condiments. She enjoyed it with relish! Her mouth passed mustard! I could hardly ketchup to her va-gi-na!

I gotta warn you, If you beat me up, one day that pain will come back to me [Xavier folds himself in a sexual position] sexfold.

Not you, freak, this here terroristic sand negroid! [He slams and punches the Muslim against the ground] Take crime! Taste the hate!

[picking up the Muslim] They queefer to be called Sandfrican-Americans!

If you want to experience the real America, you've got to build an artificial world, a robotic amusement park, full of android Americans programmed to be good to you and to let you into their humble lives.

[trying to perform CPR on a dead man at a funeral] People! A man has fallen! Man down! He needs help! You dark heartless rubberneckers sit back in black! Asses to asses! Butts in dust, doing nutting all over the face of this place!

I hate to brag my britches, but I'm a rather large medium when I penetrate the gray veil. Baleed me, once I get this dead motor mouth yapping through me, he won't stop chewing my lips off till I have to knock his black off and jack our mouths off.

Mine is the story of a man searching far and wide, fat and thick and deep for his mother once thought dead. Have you seen her? She's about yay tall and about ooh, big [cupping where breasts would be on his chest] and about mmm, nice. [groping his crotch] I have a sketch you could print. [pulls out sketch of himself]