“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

You've woken the yellow dragon! I've got to act now! This is the 9/11 of noise, the Chernobyl of chanting, the Hiroshima of humping, the Nagasaki of nookie, the Dachau of Auschwitzes!

Someone wants me dead?

Hell, you may not live to hear the end of this sen... tense, isn't it?

[interrogating Pavlov] I'm heading up this case. What do you know about chicken-choking? Where were you on the night in question? You seem awfully nervous for a guy who's totally freaked out right now. Do the words... mean anything to you? Are you that slippery throat-boner I'm itchin' to snatch?

Oh! Who's the new guy?

Without me, he'd be dead! Imagine a crab without its shell! Imagine a man without his skin.

Okay! I want to keep my skin! I pay, I pay!

This monkey on my back has got a twisted mind, but I like it! That's the twist.

You're the backup I asked for, right? What are you, CIA? FBI?

I'm investigating for a higher power.

I don't know how much you've been briefed, but I've been on the inside, tracking Don Ho for twelve years. I'm this close to his big secret. Obviously I've made some bad decisions on my first day and I've just had to stick with 'em. I was a hotshot kid just out of the academy and they didn't give us enough on character development, so I was just freeballin' it! I started the singing henchman thing out of nervousness, and the candy thing just happened. I see you've made some bad choices, too; you've got the fur and the fake snake hand--

Wait, you're not a cop!

Welp, I think I taught you every word and stretch there is. Say cheese.

[grunts three times, so as to say "Cheese"]

So, what do you wanna do now?

[grunts five times]

Why would you want to commit suicide?!

I know you crave release from your misery, but you've just doubled your depression.

You just squadrupled your squagmire!

This is what the tandem cycle of random violence breeds. A vengeful black hit-sludge with a grudge hath wrought the reaper you've sown in the goo of your guilt, as the Créme de your karma is roosting home to harm ya. It always ends up boning the poor.

(monologue) Before long, she was turning tricks in a brothel for a pimp name of "Per Se."

You her pimp?

I'm not a pimp, per se. But I could get you some per-se if you give me that fly-ass coat.

I came for nuttin' and I got nuttin', like I never came.

As long as one man goes hungry; no one should eat until everyone is full.

Hmm, there's a thin line between a friendship and a foeboat.

And what do you call these wind monkeys?

Wiggaboo Wiggers. Why, I caught this wigger staring saucy at my mistress.

You've totally broken wind. Environ-yentalists have finally got the final solution.

I'll be your violence absorber, your cosmic sponge of aggression, sucking off all the machismo you can sploot my way. I'll let these kit shickers kit the shick out of me and then let them shove the kack of their human shick in my face. I'll let them kick the bejesus out of me and then rub the bejeez into my hair. I'll take your licks and bounce for you.

I'm too late. If I'd abetted this poor meat in time, he'd still be a delicious man.

Healed?! In this odd dominion, driving backwards over people can mend em.

People, hurry! Get in the way! I'm committing vehicular man-burger helper and it tastes like pure liquid relief. Best part is I'm helping the Earth, getting negative 30 miles to the gallon.

Oh, the cops wanna horn in on my heal deal. I'll let 'em co-bask in my reflected glory.

Huh. I seem to have bruises and lumps on my face.

Four words, men. Thanks. Count 'em 'n' weep.

[while his head cut off in a basket] Ooh, free shrimp.

I don't feel so good. My tummy hurts.

[points revolver at sheep] Do you believe in God?

Yes.

[shoots sheep in the head, points revolver at bird] Do you believe in God?

Yes.

[shoots bird in the head, points revolver at Xavier] Do you believe in God?

That's a complicated question. It depends on what you mean by 'God'. You see, I--

[shoves gun into Xavier's face] Yes or no?

[pushes gun away] It helps no one to be reductive. I believe that, that we are here implies to some degree that there are forces larger than us. Now, we can get into the semanticalities--

[becoming agitated] Yes or no?!

The very notion of belief itself can be be rhetorically whittled to the bare nub of its meaning. I'd like to talk to you a lot more about this, would you be interested in reading some of my literature?

No!

My name is Goldern B. Taintnun, as in "T'ain't none of yer goldern beeswax!" ...the 3rd.