Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Doesn't anyone celebrate Easter anymore? I-I don't wanna force people to go to church or anything, but--
Can you even tell me what Easter is about?
It's when Christ was born. Or... was murdered, maybe, I don't know. But we eat candy to remember. It's important!
Jerry, if it wasn't for the aisle at Costco, you wouldn't even know it was happening.
Yeah, Dad. Example: when's Christmas?
December 25th.
And what's today's date?
I... A-- Ap-- April!
You're about to learn the tragic fate of the Oak Point High lacrosse team, but this podcast won't cash in on their specific and particularly gruesome group decapitation.
[turns off the radio] Too bad. Someone else will.
It's a big market, man.
Morty, don't just respond, find a podcast without scruples.
Cryoship detected.
Ooh, power's still online? [belches] What do you think, Morty? A bunch of sleeping beauties - wanna go tap on some glass?
Err, that could be fun! W-We haven't done one of those in a while.
Welcome to Bloodbath, the podcast that's only grisly details!
[belches again] Now we're talking!
All Earth theme parks end the same way! Jurassic Park, Westworld – even the rides inside the theme parks tell the same story! You're on a boat ride when suddenly, you take a detour to a waterfall, and now you're in a pirate's den, forced to suck dick to stay alive! [cackles madly]
Why would you do this?!
The greatest tribute to Earth is a theme park that ends in CHAOS!
[He activates a signal that causes all the Earth World mascots to start attacking and devouring the guests]
[kissing Morty] Ooooh, say something racist!
What?!
Come on! You're human, it's your whole thing.
Uh... Italians make... pretty... pretty good pizza?
No, do it hateful, you disgusting little bug.
[hearing the destruction outside] Uh... did you hear that?
Now you're pretending there's some kind of emergency?! I tried to be vulnerable with you! If you don't think I'm pretty, just say so.
[pushing her away] I'm sorry, but I-I'm not some sexual fantasy. I'm a whole person!
Come on! You guys basically invented racism! If I wanted to fuck something good, I wouldn't have come to Earth World!
Why are we dunking on Rick? He's been a loving dad to our family for as long as I can remember.
Excuse me?
Remember him at our wedding and Morty's birth? And that time he invented PB&J. Rick's great.
What?
Mom is trapped in a box in the sub-basement. I'm the only one who can save her. This is how we stay a family.
Now what?!
I-- I don't know! This is as far as I've planned! I-- I've never actually had to be a parent!
Should we go back?
Rick hates me and he pulled you out of his head. He'll just kill us!
Well, if there's no way out, should we just Thelma and Lousie this?
Wait, what?!
[Beth crashes through a guardrail and drives towards the edge of a cliff.]
Beth, you're real! Don't do this!
Honey, we'll be fine!
I can't live without you!
Honey, please!
This! Is how! We stay! A family!
Beth, no!
Wait! If this is a recent memory, doesn't that mean she already--?
[Immediate cut to Beth's car mid-air.]
I'm so confused, Space Beth! I hear-- I hear so many voices! I remember loving my Dad and then hating my Dad...!
That's just called being alive, sweetie. I wasn't there for you, and someone took advantage of that. But I'm here now. Your real dad is here, Beth, and he's more emotionally open.
[Beth breaks down and hugs Rick, who reciprocates.]
He seems nice.
Why didn't we get that version of Dad?
What the fuck are you doing here? Are you gonna replace me?
Not sure what you're talking about?
Uh-huh, homewrecker!
You see this? All this messy... whatever this is? It's weakness.
Fuck you.
Ha! You know what? Maybe I will steal your grandpa. But not because I love him... Because you do. Here we go! Two kinds of milkshakes for the two kinds of Mortys -- the one who does whatever he wants and the one who sucks my grandpa's dick. You know what? I'll drink both milkshakes.
[on a recording] You think it's fun to be a god, Ted? You think God's nipples get hard when he murders a fish?
Is that you Bosley? You sound like a bagpipe in heat.
How'd you like your little tour of duty?
It ranked right up there with abscessed teeth.
Not too much, huh?
No.
Well, let's put it this way Charlie. The next time duty calls, let's let it call somebody else, huh?
She may be Tracy Martell to you but her police blotter reads Delores Martin, with six priors, starting when she was sixteen. All prostitution beefs.
What happened to the art history major?
Well that’s the thing, she is in her last year of school, with a 3.4 average.
Wow, not your average lady of the night.
So what’s the tie up between her and consenting adults?
I don’t know but I have a feeling one of us is going to get to play call girl.
Bingo. Guess who?
If I could squeeze a gold watch out of Charlie now would be the perfect time to retire.
Sit right down Mr Bosley, let’s discuss your needs.
I need that wonderful lady who just left. Do they all look like that?
Yes, now let’s see, your profile says you enjoy quiet evenings at home curled up with a good book, I would suggest that you want someone who’s mature, well informed, cerebral.
I want that like I want the heartbreak of psoriasis.
(pointing a shotgun) Move and you’re part of the wall!
What a rotten attitude!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
