[A vengeful Bigfoot attacks Rick and Morty in their home]
Jesus Christ, Rick, just apologize! Y-You assumed Bigfoot was dumb, which was dumb of you!
[ashamed] You're right, Morty. Underestimating people only gives them the high ground.
BBigfoot
[tapping his wrist gauntlet to speak] Admit why you bullied me.
Because I thought it was funny that you were stupid.
BBigfoot
People are intelligent in different ways.
I know, I know. I-I'm clearly stupid at knowing when other people are smart. [Bigfoot grips him in both hands] Listen, I-I know you can't tap your gauntlet, but I-I'll take a guess at what you're saying: you hate me for torturing you to get what I want--
[Bigfoot growls and squeezes him tighter]
But I only used you to kill myself! How many people have you killed for the Pope?!
Help me stop him and I'll make it right. [Bigfoot puts him down] For starters, here. [tampers with Bigfoot's speech gauntlet with a screwdriver]
BBigfoot
[in a deeper voice] Ow! That hurt. [smiling] Wait a second...!
Yeah, hands-free. Also upgraded that voice.
BBigfoot
Thank you! [in Don LaFontaine style] "In a world where time actually is money..."
Oh, I-I-I think I know this movie!
You guys can do this bit at the Vatican. Let's go.
For guys like you -- y'know, who've seen it all -- there's only a few real fears left to conquer, and one of them is right. Down. Here.
[The ship lands in front of a Denny's.]
Y-- Yeah, this is punching down. Denny's is a nice chain that gives people starchy food when they're up late.
Nope, this is the place! Good luck to both of you, I'm gonna get myself a Slam.
He just... wanted a ride, right?
He certainly took us for one.
So, what are you? Like, the Hole? The Hole's promoter? The-- The Hole's intern?
Right. I-I'm-- I'm supposed to go in there and be shocked that there's no Hole, or that there is a Hole. What difference would it make?
Hm. You are hard to scare.
And Rick isn't. Right? The-- The Hole's gonna like, suck on him forever because his big secret is that he's got the most fear?
Well, we can certainly say you're not afraid to be reductive. I doubt your grandpa has more fear than the average asshole at a Denny's.
DSDenny's Patron
[offscreen] Hey!
[to Patron] Sorry. [to Morty] If anything, he seems pretty brave! Certainly not afraid to die. Maybe that makes his fear extra... delicious. [takes a long swig of coffee.]
So what? He's scared of love?
Everyone's scared of love, dipshit, you learn that in your twenties. It takes a very rare, very powerful being to be... terrified of happiness.
You're dumb. That's why you're not scared to be happy. The smarter you are, the more you know. Happiness is a trap; it can't last forever. Let's say you meet the love of your life - well, it's still gonna end. It's inevitable, whether by the slow pull of a disease or the shock of loose footing on a hiking trail. Whether it be the corrosion of two personalities that reshape each other until they're incompatible, or maybe the ol' stranger in a bar that says the things that need to be said to that person, that night. The point is, happiness always ends. Best case scenario - think about this, best case - is that you die at the same time. Yikes.
Can't the Hole just let me go, then? Sounds like I don't matter...
You don't. But if you go, you'll take him away. Don't worry, Rick will die before accepting happiness. After that, we'll chase you with some clowns or some dumb shit like that, but grandpa? [chuckles] Yummy-yummy grandpa's gonna die. Just. Like. Diane. [laughs maniacally as lightning flashes]
Maybe there's no way out? Maybe we were born here?
C'mon, we're gonna get through this.
No. We're Rick and Morty. I'm not leaving without you.
What did-- What did you say?
I said I'm not leaving you in here. C'mon, you're irreplaceable!
[Morty stays silent, processing.]
Oh, my God! I-I-I know what I'm afraid of! I-I'm afraid that you'd never say that in real life! I'm afraid that if I jumped into a hole, you wouldn't even bother jumping in after me! Y-You'd just stand there and watch! This entire thing has been about me! You're not even in the Hole, are you?!
[Rick opens his mouth to reveal a black void within, and the Fear Hole Demon's voice is heard.]
Thank you for visiting the Fear Hole, Morty. Your fear of relying on Rick has been... delicious.
Listen, if this is about the beers, Morty's cool. He has, like, four Purple Hearts.
Five. Those and a nickel will get you a cup of coffee.
Ho-ho! Disillusioned Morty! Love this guy!
I know you lost a brother in there. Don't make me lose you.
It's like the pain is all I have left of him! But-- But he's gone! He never existed in the first place!
Don't say that! Without you and your friends, we never would've escaped the Matrix!
Rick! He-- He would've woken up and let us out!
On whose terms?! He would've wiped us clean before our eyes were open, and then they'd really be gone! All of them! CJ. Chaplock... Marmaduke, um...
I-- I'm... I'm sorry, Morty. You get to decide now. What do you wanna do?
Step one — we blend in as bugs working for the Department of Transportation. My guy Cisco will be at the back door at 7:00 a.m.
My inside man. Don't worry.
Okay, but what if he doesn't show up?
What's that supposed to mean? You don't even know Cisco.
Which is very concerning since this plan seems very dependent on him.
So let me finish the plan.
Step two — Cisco provides us with security credentials for the maintenance tunnels.
And if he doesn't show, what's our backup plan?
I use Cisco so that I don't need a backup plan.
[...]
Step three — we quickly and quietly patch into the surveillance grid.
Wait. How 'd we get there?
With the credentials we got from Cisco.
So in other words, if Cisco--
Cisco has never not shown up!
Can I just ask, what does someone have to do to achieve the level of trust you place in this random man?
I trust plenty of people.
Uh, easy — Birdperson and Cisco.
Cisco's at the same level as Birdperson?!
[Homesteader Rick discovers the Arcade and Doc Mortys hiding in his cruiser]
HRHomesteader Rick
What the FUCK?!
I-I-It was his idea! Don't hurt us, I'm not a real doctor!
HRHomesteader Rick
What are you doing here?! Get the fuck outta my car!
AMArcade Morty
We're coming with you to rescue our friends.
HRHomesteader Rick
I'm not going to rescue your friends – I'm going to kill those guys who stole my shit!
AMArcade Morty
Yeah, exactly. It's the same guys.
[nodding] It is the same guys...
AMArcade Morty
Flush us into space or keep driving.
HRHomesteader Rick
Fuckin' Mortys...!
BRBig Rick
Well, now! My associates here tell me you rustled up quite the score! Oddjob, your, uh, normal job, please.
[His butler, Oddjob Rick, leaves]
BRBig Rick
I can monologue while we wait. You ever wonder why I'm an overweight Southern railroad baron? See, I was cloned to be the mascot of a Citadel gumbo chain. "Get yo' mouth round it!" But Big Rick's Gumbo Hutch is trash now. Whole Citadel is trash now. And there ain't no peckin' order amongst the trash.
TRTrafficker Rick
What a utopia.
BRBig Rick
It will be, once I have the requisite Mortys. We can all be kings here, Mr. Trafficker!
[Oddjob Rick returns and passes Trafficker Rick his payment]
TRTrafficker Rick
Good luck with that. [leaves]
BRBig Rick
Don't go spendin' it all in one place, y'all! [to Oddjob Rick] Filthy degenerate. No accent at all.
BRBig Rick
You certainly are a bur in my saddle.
HRHomesteader Rick
You're a joke.
BRBig Rick
I'm whatever I wanna be! That's the freedom of life as a clone! You wouldn't know – someone made you with sex! All those sweaty parts and nibbly bits! You disgust me!
HRHomesteader Rick
[laughs and coughs] It's over, man... your dream's about to be gumbo. "Get... yo' mouth round it."
BRBig Rick
You know me? F-F... Father?!
HRHomesteader Rick
Oh! [chuckles] Oh, no, no. Y-You're under the delusion of something called the auteur myth. Truth is, any big project is made in collaboration. Lots of delegating. I sort of... gave notes.
BRBig Rick
I don't wanna hear this!
HRHomesteader Rick
Good news... you don't have to. Au revoir, son. [activates a detonator]
[The new Citadel is blown up, along with them both]
