“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

That's a sample, by the way. It wears off after 10 hours, and after that it'll cost you 30 bucks.

Jerry

I probably won't even use it for 10 hours! [to his phone] Siri, set an alert for 9 hours and 50 minutes.

Playing The Beatles.

Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them!

You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel, all so they could try to kill a little shitsack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the fucking car!

Okay, so what are we doing?

That book has everything they need to create snake time travel. A-A-And they're getting it in 1985, snake time. Now they're gonna do it so early that it won't involve us, and they're gonna be even stupider with it.

Huh. And then what?

We're removing ourselves from this sloppy, fucked-up story and letting snake time travel eat its own tail.

Morty, do you know what the Bechdel test is?

The what?

For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist Alison-- What the hell are they teaching you in that school?!

Other stuff!

Then you've killed us both!

Why is "lesbian" part of her job title?!

Oh, now you're progressive?!

Hey, what the fuck, Morty? The train you got me just completely derailed itself. There's blood all over the windows.

Oh man, I'm sorry Rick. I guess I'll return it.

Return it? Are you insane? Did you hear nothing I said? Buy another one, Morty! Consume, Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this fucking virus!

Oh my god, holy shit, oh...

What are- What are these things?

Do I look like I know? Last thing I remember, I was, ugh, in a cave looking at some wet egg, and-- Oh, that probably did it.

I told you not to look at that egg! I-it was too wet.

You don't get to tell me what to look at. I've seen your Pornhub account. Also, who makes a Pornhub account?

The algorithm learns your preferences better that way. Plus, if you get in kind of a cool enough relationship, you can sort of follow each other and check out each other's kinks, you know?

All right, goddamn sold.

How do we get out of here?

Morty, relax. They're face-hugging parasites, I don't think their society's gonna be that hard to navigate. Okay, this might be a little harder than I thought. Holy shit, they got an M&Ms store.

Hey! Did you two—

Beth, your son is dying! Say goodbye!

What are you—?

Say goodbye to your little boy!

No! Look away! I'm makin' an egg, Mom! Ugh...! I'm makin' an egg!

You said you'd keep me more in the loop this year!

Look away, Beth! Daddy loves you!

Aaaagh! My ass! MY ASS!

This is it, Morty! It's full circle from the pilot! Full circle...!! [groaning and loud farting] ...Oh, I guess we, uh... I guess we both just had to take a shit.

Yeah, I-I guess we, uh...

Fucking gross. Guys, clean it up.

Look at your dad. Such a dork, keeping bees. [silence] I mean, it's... at least it's interesting, though. At least, like... I wish my dad kept bees. [silence] I mean, it's kind of cute, like... your dad keeps bees. [silence] How old is your dad? He's obviously beekeeping age. [silence] I don't know, I think it's kind of sweet. [silence] Summer, I want to fuck your dad.

Summer

[sarcastic] Oh, really?

Interesting choice of meeting place, Rick.

You like it? My grandson had notes.

Come on.

Show him the crystals, Morty. [Morty shows 10 red crystals]

[taking the red crystals while handing Rick 10 nearly identical grey crystals] Thanks, I'm going to make lots money with these.

[taking the grey crystals] And I'll make lots of those with these. Well. Those are fake.

Do you have any idea how much fucking work would have to go into a machine that--?!

[triumphantly] AAAAAH-HA! You can't do it!

I can do anything, Morty. Your idea is not worth doing.

[smirking] You can't do it.

Before what you're trying to do was called "nagging", it was called reverse psychology - and incels didn't invent it, Bugs Bunny did.

You can't do it.

There is NOTHING I cannot do--

A place-saving video game thing.

[yelling] YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT!

[yelling back] JUST SAY YOU CAN'T DO IT!

I WON'T!

YOU WON'T SAY YOU CAN'T?!

FUCK YOU, MORTY!

FUCK YOU! [flips him off]

FUCK YOU!!! [throws his toolbox down on ground and kicks it, and rummages through items] Son of a bitch! GRRAAGH! [begins welding]

[after a short silence] So are you gonna--?

YES, I'M GONNA FUCKING DO IT!

Oof, well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless... [looks to the fake vat of acid]

[flatly] Goddammit.

[obviously feigning ignorance] Yeah. I guess it is, uh, what did you call it? Uh, uhm... a "shitty idea"?

Goddammit. [starts climbing the vat's ladder]

[smugly] Say the vat is good.

[resigned] The vat is good...

Kiss the vat.

Do not go into that vat. It appears to be full of acid.

It is! Please, he's just a little boy! Let me talk to him.

Tell him we're very upset!

[in full-on "bad acting" mode] Morty, please step back! That vat is full of acid! It will melt you completely, leaving only your bones!

[exasperated] Goddammit!

I'm sorry, what did you say?

I'm going in the vat! [he jumps into the vat as his girlfriend pushes through the crowd]

[sarcastically] Oh god, oh, I blame myself. Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well, he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid.

Agreed. He's definitely dead.

Why else would the bones come up?

While his actions were horrifying, and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we did bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid. Are we here for justice, or something else?

[with significance] "Though justice be thy plea, consider this – that in the course of justice none of us should see salvation. We do pray for mercy."

Merchant of Venice. Nice. Very cool, lots to think about.

Vengeance is a tomb all-encompassing—

[hastily] Okay, this isn't a poetry reading. A kid just died. Everyone go home and hug your loved one or something.

Dad, can we please go back and hang out with Grandpa's clay people?

Jerry

Why? Because they might have a Sega Dreamcast? Why is it so hard for you two to let nature in?

Summer

Because this sucks ass! Camping is just being homeless without the change.

Jerry

Well, that attitude is exactly why we're out here. You guys wouldn't last two seconds on your own. You're only happy when you're penned in and drսgged up like some kind of chicken or lemur... [sees Summer and Morty using their phone and gaming device] Hey! I told you kids, no phones!

There's not even any service. Just... just let us be happy for a minute.

Jerry

You know, maybe if you two stopped whining and let your old man take the reins, you might actually learn something. [roasts a marshmallow and uses it to make a s'more] Here. Take a bite of this tasty treat.

Summer

Oh, you think this s'more makes you special? What, because someone said "good job" to you once when you were ten? [throws it in the fire] That's actually really sad, Dad. Let's be real - you've been high-roading us non-stop, forcing us to do nothing in the middle of fucking nowhere, because it's the only way you're gonna level the playing field, isn't it? Because if you move the bar so low, you might actually seem like you're worth a fuck!

Jerry

[sniffles, looking deeply hurt] I'm gonna go take a walk... [sadly takes his backpack and leaves]

[to Summer] Jesus Christ. You really need to stop hanging out with Rick.

We got an oversupply of teachers putting a strain on the literary drive.

Activating playwright converter!

Nice work, honey. Okay, the therapists are getting bored, we need to increase their supply of incest porn.

20% wasn't enough?

Just admit this is about you wanting to feel needed!

Jerry

Says the woman who sold out her family for an ounce of approval from her drunk father!

Well, maybe he drinks because it isn't easy to be more powerful than God!

Jerry

Well, if it's god-power that gets you going, light some candles and put on the Billy Ocean, 'cause Moses is home, and he's ready to burn some bush!

RICK!!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?

I mean, gravity did most of it, so you, technically...

I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!!!

Yeah, well, you also asked me to raise your kids. Uh, not sure if you heard the phrase, "pick a lane," but--

YOU KILLED THEIR FATHER!!!

Father or not, he was a lying piece of shit. I don't care who else stuffed your crust, but I'm the guy that showed up. But I mean, if you want, I can still power-wash his guts off the tower and maybe--

GET OOOOUUUUUT!!!!!

Okay, yeah, she's pissed.

Summer

I mean, you killed her slam piece, Grandpa. I don't blame her.