“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire.

What?

They signed something called the "Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat took them to a Star Wars cantina, where they smoked perspective-enhancing alien pheromones through a laser hookah.

I still say it has to be Putin.

IT WAS RICK AND MORTY, YOU FUCKING DUNCE!

But you're getting the credit, sir. Your approval rating just hit 100%. Why would Rick and Morty want that?

BECAUSE THEY'RE ASSHOLES!

Jesus! He's not a fucking god!

You don't know what I am! And you don't know what I can do!

Jeez, it's... it's cool, Rick--

I'm Doctor Who in this motherfucker! I could be a clone! I could be a hologram! We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're fucking your MOTHER!

[enraged] I'm going to KILL YOU!

Then come to 312 Olive Street!

[worried] Is that her address?

You don't know, because you're a bad son!

The office of the President can't coexist with a living god that won't submit to it! I mean, besides Poseidon. But he's locked up in Area 51 already, so that doesn't really count.

Who are they?

Crystal poachers. There's no lower form of life. They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank.

Wait, then, what are we?

We are Rick and Morty.

Oh, hey, this fucking ferrofluid's wrapping around my legs. Fuck... I can feel! I have mass! I'M A FUCKING GOD NOW! YOU'RE FUCKED!

What the fuck?! I-I thought you were proud to be a hologram!

THAT'S 'CAUSE I HAD TO FUCKING BE ONE! [after a brief fight, Wasp Rick stings him in the eye] SHIT! [he screams as wasp offspring overrun his head and make it explode]

There's a lesson here, and... I'm not the one that's gonna figure it out.

Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and... tried to kill the whole world and stuff. Guess I gotta learn how to live in the moment a little more.

Oh boy, so you actually learned something today? What is this, Full House? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead and live in the moment.

Jerry

Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an Akira? Real nice.

Eat my ass, Jerry! He turned himself into Akira!

Jerry

Oh-ho, I'll eat it! Because this is my house, Rick! I'll eat any ass I want!

Gross.

Well, it’s time I go on a solo adventure, and this time, it won’t involve Ron Howard. [leaves the room]

Summer

[speaking quickly and excitedly] He's gonna go poop. When he pats his belly like that and Morty doesn't go, it means he has to poop. He’s a shy pooper. He has his own secret place to poop.

[from offscreen] Man, fuck you, Summer!

Hey, ape-man? I hope this was worth making a whole swarm of enemies.

It will be... when I find whoever shit in my toilet.

Is that... code for something? Someone look that up! If that's drug slang, I need to know it!

There he is, there's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now! Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you, and how you ruin it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit! Look at you sitting there: King Shit on his throne of loneliness! Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail his majesty, the saaaaaaddest piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years!

You couldn't have done that earlier?!

I was eating, and you're dirty.

Good job, Heist-o-Tron. Go ahead and shut down.

Negative.

Excuse me?

I am programmed to always be looking for the next big score.

You're programmed to do as I say.

I am programmed to double cross.

You're not programmed to double cross me.

If I were, it wouldn't be much of a double cross.

It pains me that you can feel my pain.

Yeah, how about you suck your dick?! Which is also somehow my dick...

Summer

[smirking] Aw, why can't couples that start out cheating ever end up happy?

M-Maybe I can find that wizard's portal spell in here and g-get us home?

How about finding the spell that unbinds me from your fucking dragon?!

No spells can do that. Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds.

Uh, who the fuck are you?

"Who are we--"?! Who the fuck are YOU, bitch?!

Debrah, stop. We are the slut dragons. We live in these slut caves where we fuck, suck, and eat butt. And we kindly ask that you leave. If the wizard knows we are here, he will imprison us.

Yeah, and we like it down here, 'cause we can fuck woolly mammoths! Get out!

Get the fuck out of here, Michael!

Shut up, Michael! You're the only one that fucks that thing! Get the fuck out of here!

Well, at least I'm not into shit-play! Fuck you!

Hey, wait, everybody stop! Stop! I started all this when I tried to control Balthromaw. And that was fucked up. Nobody should control anyone. Especially that guy up there. And, um, you can eat butt if you want, I guess, I, um...

Summer

I got this, Morty. Okay, listen up, slut dragons! Wouldn’t you rather be sluts up there? Have a fuck world instead of a fuck cave? What’s wrong with you?

Well, it's your world now. Have fun with empowerment, it seems to make everyone that gets it really happy.

Well, I've been thinking - what you said back there in the cave really resonated with me. Maybe we could... try again?

Well, to be honest, I'm kind of grossed out with the sexual nature of how everything unfolded. I didn't know how sexual dragons were. I kind of just wanted to do some D&D stuff, y'know?