Well, kids, never thought I'd say this, but, Summer, you were right.
I thought I wanted to teach you guys about tents, but really, I just wanted to feel important. I guess sometimes teenagers do know what they're talking about, even if it's mean.
Right, but didn't you, like, go into god-mode and fight Mom?
Love is the only power that matters, Morty.
No, you had actual power, and you did jack shit. That was a divine staff. You could've cured cancer or raised the dead. Instead you made bugs.
Well, I was impressed, Dad. He saved my life, no thanks to you.
[A moment of silence, with Rick looking bitter and noticing Jerry smirking in his mirror]
Your kids got high on alien mist and drove the ship into that Zeus guy's head. Basically murdered him.
What? You did. I mean, not to cast the first stone, but Beth and Jerry? Pretty terrible parenting on your part. Did you know Summer huffed a K-Zax Array? She basically smoked The Ring - most pilots die after three days. And Morty, the fucking moron, he thought the ship worked like a game controller! What in the Disney Channel fuck is that?! Maybe help him with homework next time! He's clearly crying for help!
Are they gonna torture us?
Unless you plan on telling them what I know. Last chance to guess who was the clone.
You're his daughter. Something about the eyes -- the shameless abandonment of your family.
How ever can I live with myself? One theory: I was designed by your father to live with myself, which would mean you made a conscious choice to swallow your dreams with cheap wine and dinosaur pasta.
You know that's the kind Jerry likes! Same way I know the only goddamn dream you'll ever follow is your shitty father's approval.
You fetch your shitty father's lemonade.
You cosplay as your shitty father in his thirties!
AAnnouncer
Red Alert. Red Alert. Rick Sanchez--
[Electric crackling, announcer chokes.]
More like dead alert! What else? What else? I wrote some stuff down on my Notes app, let me just find it... Screw it. Beth, if-- if one of you is still alive, you're my real daughter. If you're both alive, don't hurt the other one. She's just a clone; she's not worth it. I'm coming, baby!
BBBoth Beths
That piece of shit.
I came back to kill him, you know.
You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is?
Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now, that's kind of a win-win.
Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bullshit just because you're losing control.
NNimbus
Getting cold feet?
No...Please don't tell Rick.
NNimbus
Yes. He. Would. [shakes off his robe]
[Jerry and Beth look down, then quickly get inside with Nimbus and close the door]
But why does he always want to be hunted?
That's not important right now, dad!
Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in the target suit.
So thankful this is my Saturday.
"Terminate"? They're alive, dad!
And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you gonna save every stray cat?
No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab!
Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than Blade Runner.
I still think we're decoys.
You just want an excuse to stop trying!
House, I need something quick. Can you whip up a Star Fox boss season four callback? Make it flashy?
[The garage door shuts and Rick puts on a headset.]
[to himself] Let's go, you little bitch. [slaps himself] It's showtime. Get centered.
[a massive hologram of Rick's face is projected into the sky]
What up, you decoy motherfuckers? Come on down to Rick's house of squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter! I know what you're thinking: "Fuck, a beacon! That's a great idea! He's got home turf, a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls!" And now you're thinking "shit, that's totally what the Rickest Rick would do! I might actually be fake! I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did! Now the only way to prove I'm real and not him is to ice his expository ass." Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it–
[After learning about how the Tina-teers planned to sell Planetina to an Arab, Morty kills them with their own elemental power rings]
[donning the rings] Now we can be together, Planetina.
AArab
[pulls a sword on him] I am an individual character, I represent no group!
[using the rings on him] FIRE! WATER! DIRT! AIR!
[The Arab is knocked backward into his tank of baby seals, which start to eat him alive]
AArab
AAAAAARGH! NOT COOL!
My whole life, I've never fit in anywhere! Everything I have to say is always met with an eyeroll, as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore! Nobody in this family thinks I can say or do anything right! I've been all over the universe, met hundreds of people, [starting to tear up] and Planetina's the only one I've ever met that makes me feel like I belong! And you just kicked her out of our house!
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! [leaves, slamming the door]
[Planetina revisits Morty]
[saddened and afraid] Please go. I-I-I can't see you anymore.
PPlantina
Don't you even want to try to make it work? We were so close.
PPlanetina
And you murdered my kids.
They were gonna sell you away forever. Eddie was trying to kill me! Th-Those miners were innocent.
PPlanetina
Those "innocent" miners voted men into power to protect their precious jobs so they can buy more plastic garbage and eat the corpses of tortured animals - the system is broken, Morty! This is the only way I can save Earth... the only way I can save you.
If that's the only way, I-I don't want to be saved. Please go.
PPlanetina
But... I love you. [cups his cheek]
I-I-I can't. I-I can't love you, I-I just can't. Please understand.
PPlanetina
[sniffing, clearly close to tears] No... I'll go. But don't you dare ask me to understand.
Planetina, I... I'm so sorry.
PPlanetina
[now openly crying] Fuck you.
[She flies away, and Morty can only watch, before lying in a foetal position on his bed; Beth opens the door]
Morty... are you all right?
[sobbing] She's gone, Mom! She's gone! I loved her so much! [collapses into her arms]
I know you did, honey. [kisses his forehead and shushes him gently] Mommy's here...
