“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so we're too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks, the Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don't: You're outnumbered!

Holy shit! I don't believe it! I-- I can't believe it!

I know. That's why you're fired.

They say that for your wish to come true, you have to give up something really important. For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwiches! [drops the maker into the "Wishing Portal"] And yes, I see the irony.

I guess I wish I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. [drops it in]

I wish incest porn ha-had a more mainstream appeal... f-for a friend of mine! [drops in a harmonica]

This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power... but speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action.

I... think I understand. "Up to something," "lives on the moon." Okay, I'll talk to him.

What did he say?

Denied the moon stuff, but that's what pedophiles do. They deny, it's their bread and butter.

[shocked] "Pedophile"?!

You don't think so? I thought the moon thing might have been code.

No, he's literally from the moon!

Well, you saw him react. Moon or not, that dude likes 'em young.

Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories? I wouldn't've been around for that.

Yeah, sometimes I have to do a little editing, Morty. You know, it helps the Mind Blowers play a little bit better upon revisiting.

Holy shit! How many of these are just horrible mistakes I've made? I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many if I let myself learn from them!

Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty. It's a free-form anthology, I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that.

What are you doing?

You want your shelf level or not?

And if I say "yes", you're gonna provide that for me with that?

Yes, see the bubble?

[snatches the level] I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty! I also dabble in precision, and if you think you can even approach it with your sad, naked caveman eyeball and a bubble of fucking air, you're the reason this species is a failure, [snaps it in two] and it makes me angry!

You're drunk.

Wow... he's really getting executed, after all this time. You know, the son that he ate was--

Summer

Your best friend Tommy, we know. Stop true crime bragging.

I was traumatized, Summer! Okay? Your generation wouldn't get that.

Summer

Bitch, my generation gets traumatized for breakfast!

Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopy Land procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA.

Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest?

It's just a working theory. Of course, if that's the case, I'd expect he'd be worshipped as a kind of god by a medieval-level society of his least delicious children.

Halt! You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler, giver and taker of life, humper and consumer of mortality, dispenser of life—

Guys, if I could interrupt? We're way ahead of the reveal here.

Yeah, just take us to King Tommy.

You were a scary fuckin' kid, man!

[exasperated] Oh my God...!

I didn't make Froopyland to get rid of you, Beth. I did it to protect the neighborhood. Not in a [belch] noble sense. It was just more practical to sequester you before I had to start, you know, cloning a replacement for every less-than-polite little boy or gullible animal that might cross your socio-path.

You would rather believe I'm evil than admit that you were a bad father?!

Oh, dude, no! No, bad father all the way to the max over here. I'm a fuckin' nutcase. And the acorn plopped straight down, baby! [pulls large cardboard box from under workbench] Look at some of the shit you were asking me to make you as a kid. [pulls items out of box in turn] Ray guns. A whip that forces people to like you. Invisibility cuffs. A parent trap. A lightning gun. A teddy bear with anatomically correct innards. Night-vision googly eyeglasses. Sound-erasing sneakers. False fingerprints. Fall-asleep darts. A lie-detecting doll. An indestructible baseball bat. A taser shaped like a ladybug. A fake police badge. Location-tracking stickers. Rainbow-colored duct tape. Mind control hairclips. Poison gum. A pink sentient switchblade.

[enthusiastically chirpy] Hi, Beth! You've gotten taller! Shall we resume stabbing?!

Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been--

That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me.

Am I evil?

Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal, it grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots, just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy.

Tommy.

Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And eventually, it will. There's no other way off.

Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do?

My advice? Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out.

I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's The Bachelor--

I can make a clone of you. A perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going Blade Runner.

If nothing matters, why would you do that for me?

I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you. Or maybe it makes you matter. Maybe I love you. Maybe something about your mother. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth.

I don't know if I can do it.

Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the fuck out.

[Beep] Hey, Jerry, it's Kiara. Listen, my boyfriend saw those texts you've been sending me, and he got pretty pissed off. If he calls you, just ignore him! [Beep]

[Beep] This is Carmox. I have intercepted sexual communications between you and my new girlfriend, Kiara. I am coming to kill you now! [Beep]

[Beep] Yo, Jerry, it's the Big R. Uh, I killed that alien that was coming after ya. Looking out for ya, buddy. [Beep]

[Beep] Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Don't be mad. I fucked your ex-girlfriend Kiara.

Who are you talking to, Rick?

Doesn't Matter. [Beep]

[Beep] Hey, Jerry, this is Michael down at The Antique Phone rentals. Um, I'm gonna go ahead and let you off the hook for the $70 late fee. You can go ahead and keep that answering machine. Nobody really uses those anymore except for exposition on TV shows, anyways. [Click]

Here's the adventure: some kind of alien goo-ga has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out.

"Kennedy Sex Tunnels"?

Naturally you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment: the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Colosseum. He didn't free them all. And let me know when you're done.

Maybe then we can get a selfie?

Too busy, Morty! [to his aides] Now tell me about this summit, is it a peace one or a regular one?

Don't do it, guys! The casualties would be in the brazillions... cause you're Brazilian? It's a threat and a pun! Nobody gets me.

We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time.

You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits.

Peace summits are important!

Oh yeah, they work great. We're really drowning in peace. You suck!

YOU suck!