“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

I’ve seen enough of the galaxy to know that what we’ve got here is a Cromulon from the Cygnus-5 Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won’t go away until Uhh-Earth shows them it’s got... [dramatically] a hit song!

You mean like Vivaldi?

No, Frasier - a live performance of a newly written, catchy, original song. The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms.

All right, all right, thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people. Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. [silence] The-Dream? He wrote “Umbrella” and “Single Ladies” - you people haven’t heard of The-Dream?

You’re gonna wanna put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.

How do you know about that?

For God’s sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google Maps!

Sir? Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy - they’re all dead.

What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

Yeah, you see, I try to shelter you from certain realities, Morty. Cause if I let you make me nervous, then we can’t "get schwifty".

Stop saying it like it’s a thing! You made it up!

Wh-what do you think, Ice? Probably a little overdeveloped.

Shit. Overdeveloped, underdeveloped, a bad song's a bag song.

Well, do you think, maybe--? Could you give me some help with it, or--?

Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame, you know what I'm saying?

Ice, I don't want to be a Negative Nelly or anything, but ihh-if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, y'know, kind of your problem too!

Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man.

What? Why not?

Yo, this is why. [his body turns into a giant floating block of ice]

What the fuck?! You can turn into ice?!

My story begins at the dawn of time, in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up. Because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet!

Take it from me, Ice. Youuu can't just eh-float around space not caring about stuff forever.

Pssh! Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. [blasts away through the ceiling like a rocket]

[clumsily piloting a helicopter] I’m really bad at this, Morty! There are way too many buttons on this thing!

Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck!

[phased into a room] Oh, man! Where are we, Rick?

Morty, remember eight seconds ago when— [burps] when you said "Go inside what?" and I said "The battery"? And then we showed up here and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is."

All right, all right. We're inside the battery, I get it. You don't have to bust my balls.

Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice to the... engine, Morty. Instead, we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing?!

W-W-W-Whoa... People?

Ugh... It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Morty, hold on to something.

Whoa!

Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick! T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something!

Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out. [shows hologram] I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

You have a whole planet... sitting around making your power for you?! That's slavery!

It's society! They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other, they buy houses, they get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps!

Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Zeep, this is Rick, the alien!

Zeep

[pretending to think] Rick the alien... Rick the alien...

Really? You're gonna pull that move? I guided your entire civilization! Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving! They teach kids about me in school!

Zeep

I dropped out of school. It's not a place for smart people.

OOOOH, SNAP!

Zeep

You do realize this will make the floooble crank obsolete? [Rick flexes his bones] This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically... [scoffs, Rick mouths his words] This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves.

[burps] Told you, Zeep.

Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money.

Zeep

That just sounds like slavery with ex...tra... steps... [turns to Rick]

What?

Zeep

Wait a minute... [grabs him] Did you create my universe?! Is my universe a miniverse?!

Microverse!!

Uh, teenyverse.

[Zeep removes his antenna headband] Ugh! You bastard!! [removes Zeep's mask]

Zeep

Much obliged! [pummels into Rick fighting each other]

What the hell is happening?

This is healthy. Trust me.

You're my battery, motherfucker! [punches Zeep] That's all you are! I made you!! Your microverse sucks!! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!! It's whack!!

Are they not really aliens?

Nah, they're just a couple of... crazy, wacky scientists, y'know?

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe... and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe.

[laughs] Yeah! Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. Y'know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. Ha, y'know, I mean, like... o...old-lady science, y'know? She-she-she's... she's a real... [Kyle walks away] You gotta hang on tight, y'know? Because she... she'll, she bucks really hard. [Kyle enters engine room pod, flies it straight into a canyon] Ohh, boy, wha— Oh my God, no!!

Teenyverse.

Zeep

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it!

Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse, and then the microverse around that, and guess what?!

Don't make things worse, Rick! [to Zeep] Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe, ya know? W-We need it to start our car--

Zeep

[aghast] THAT'S what you use my universe for?! TO RUN YOUR CAR?!

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself! There's always triple-A, you fucking cocksucker!

Summer

Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!

Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now.

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?

Summer

Well, what are we going to do?!

We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

Summer

Any leads on the vampire?

No, Summer. I mean, y'know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go.

Summer

Oh, so now you're too cool for this just because Grandpa Rick is?

It's not that, it's just... that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. [closes locker next to Tiny Rick] Ahh!

What up, my Helsings?! Who wants to hunt a vampire?! Hahaha!

Rick?! H-How did you—

Yeah, I got bored and then I remembered this morning how I blew Summer off and I thought, "Hey, why're you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled on in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick!!

O-o-okay...

Summer

Well, it's good you're here, Rick.

It'll still be fun to do this as a fuckin' team, motherfuckas! [all hands join, up high] Tiny Rick!

Summer

Yeah! Oh my God—Toby Matthews!

Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. [Summer hides her face] I'm new. Hey—oh, go easy on me. Haha! Just kiddin'.

[beat] ..I like your straightforward style. And that lab coat's pretty cool. [strolls] Summer.

Summer

..He knows my name!

Why wouldn't he?! You're great! But listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, [nudges Summer's arm] not even the dreamboats.

Summer

[flattered] Stop, Tiny Rick.

HUNTIN' A VAMPIRE WITH MY GRANDKIIIDS!! FUCK!! TINY RIIICK!!!

What the FUCK?!

Jerry

Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?!

US?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!

Oh, right, blame this on us.

Okay, uh, I can and I am! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.

Jerry

Isn't that good?

No! NO! It's BAD! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed - it shouldn't EXIST! You should never, ever, ever have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together!

... Well, this is just bad couples' therapy.

Jerry

Totally.

Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top.

Summer

Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight?

No can do. Tonight's the big dance, and Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wingman! [high-fives Morty]

Tiny Rick! [Morty laughs]

Summer

Okay, but if not tonight, when?

I dunno. When I feel like it?

Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea in the first place, and now you're tryin' to rush it along.

Yeah, and y'know what? I like high school. I like hangin' out. I'm Tiny Rick!

Summer

But what if the you that likes it isn't you?

[beat, laugh out loud] Oh, Summer!

It's just Rick in a younger body! What's the-what's-what's-what's... what's the problem?

Summer

Look at his art, Morty!

I've got an emo streak. It's part of what makes me so rad.

Summer

Why does it say "Help me Morty and Summer!"?!

[crumbles, throws paper] Come on, Summer, that's just the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinkin' it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!!

Summer

Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst!

Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick!

Summer

Morty, you have to help me!

Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?!

Summer

No!

Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. [leaves, then comes back] And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! [leaves, then comes back again] Get your shit together. [leaves]

Master?

[deep voice] Speak.

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed.

No bother. The mortals shall soon-- [switches to a higher, more neurotic voice] I'm sorry, what'd you say his name was?

Coach Feratu.

"Coach Feratu"? That was his real name, like his actual vampire name?

No, no, no, his vampire name was Balik Alistane.

Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie?! Was he doing a bit?!

I do not know, Your Unholiness.

Jesus fucking Christ! From now on, no more of this "clever name" bullshit! When a vampire's pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves "Allen Jefferson" or something like that! [to hooded acolytes] It's crazy, right?! I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? [acolytes hurriedly shake their heads] Good, okay, great!

Jerry

W...where am I?

Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. To me, you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you.

Jerry

Okay.

An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life.

Jerry

My God!

Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved... if we replace his heart with your human penis.

Jerry

I see... Wait, what?! [the doctor presents an anatomical hologram to Jerry]

It's perfect. The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls—and with relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be moulded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe.

Jerry

Yeah, but, I mean—

Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time!

Have respect, Yarp. The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon, or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14.

And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-So Dick. I've got such-as-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh.

Jerry

All right! That's enough! You guys are talking about my species! We understand genocide! We do it sometimes!

Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live?

Stop asking!

Jerry

Yes, I will! That's right, assholes! Take my penis. Take it all!! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!

It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson!

Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn't get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news...

Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that?

I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? [changes channel]

Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson.

Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left!

Oh my God, and his name's Pichael!

I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! [drags conjoined Michael] Stop tugging, Michael!

Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins!

You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news!

Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name!

Hey, flip back to the news!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could tell our parents started with naming with him. [the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side] It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet.

Summer

I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time?

Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael."

[throws papers at Pichael's face] Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit!