“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Uh, Rick, what exactly is "squanching"?

Morty, listen -- we've had a lot of really cool adventures over the last year, but it's time to relax.

Yeah, if I relax now, there might not even be any more adventures!

Jesus, Morty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later?

Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick. You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

[In slow motion] Jessica.

Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

I can't believe she's here.

Well, what are you doing standing here, Morty? Go. Talk to her. [He shoves Morty away. Morty follows Jessica.]

Tonight, the only adventure you're on is your cusping manhood.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolf Lincler?

Summer

I thought everyone was welcome.

It's not the same, Summer! Lincler's a crazed maniac. He's just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super-leader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out [belch] it just adds up to a lame, weird... loser.

Rick... you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being! But I shall finally know peace when I WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN FROM YOUR WRETCHED BODY! [accidentally nudges at Brad]

Whoa! What's up, man?

I have no quarrel with you, boy.

"Boy"? What's that supposed to mean?

It's just-- L-Look, I-I-I don't know how you thought I mean it, but... [shrugs at Rick]

Don't look at me, dude.

Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so...

So... I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?!

No, but... [strains] Y'know—

What do I know?! That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?!

Leave him alone, Brad!

Stay outta this, Jessica!

KICK HIS ASS, BRAD! [everyone starts chanting] KICK HIS ASS! KICK HIS ASS!

Brad! [runs off to the front door with Morty running after her; he has Rick behind him]

Rick!!

[pushes him] Just did you a favor, Morty.

Huh. Big star in the sky. [breathes in] Oxygen-rich atmosphere. Giant testicle monsters. [turns around, excited] We'll be fine! Let's party!

Morty, do you know what wubba lubba dub dub means?

Oh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase.

It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, I am in great pain. Please help me.

Well, I got news for ya—he's saying it ironically.

No, Morty. Your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself.

Come on... uh—

Bird Person.

Come on, Bird Person! Rick's not that complicated! He's just a... huge asshole!

Then why do care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever.

Y'know what, you're right. I shouldn't even care! This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me! I'm sick of having adventures with Rick!

My people have another saying. Gubba nub nub doo rah kah. It means, Whatever lets you sleep at night.

This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible.

And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?!

Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is."

Or...?

We "isn't." All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.

How do you know that I—

Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go!

Huh, what do ya know—it's working. [the two Mortys and Summers begin distorting each other thoroughly] Oh... shit!

What the hell is wrong with you two?! I-I-I-I..I mean, you four!

That hurt! That was painful!

Good! I'm glad that was painful! You deserve it! I saw you!! Y-You're both uhh-all over the damn place! We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?! What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about?! Your brand of zit cream?! Which chair to sit in while I do everything?! Come on, spit it out!

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! [talk differently at the same time] You make fun all the time and that's got Summer to do! / You're always picking on me and now you got Summer to kiss your ass!

Me?! What about you?! Could you be more excited to see me fail?! You got Grandpa all to yourself! / You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... because you want Grandpa all to yourself!

All right, all right, cool it! I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favourite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen—I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways.

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird-brain homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass—which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world?

Yes.

All right, perfect. Sit still, arr-arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time, be like Grandpa.

You mean drunk?

What's that? You got something to say? / And awaaay we go!

No.

And awaaay we go! [presses his button but no response] Huh, that's weird.

Huh, that's weird. [keeps pressing to no avail] Oh my God.

What? / Oh my God.

What? / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me!

What?! / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me!

What?! [both Ricks tinker time-device]

Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath! Don't you get it?! Don't you get it?!

Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore!

He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me! He probably figures it's ehh-easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them! [chuckling] I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now.

Rick, what the hell are you doing?!

Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's g-g— he's gonna be coming for you!

Who?!

Me! [Rick 1 shoots first before Rick 2 does; Morty and Summer 2 scream]

You see that?! Get down! [shoots upwards at Rick 1]

I told you! He's a psycho!

He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must've made him crazy!

I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! / Oh, crap!

Oh, God, now there's three of 'em! We're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! [all Mortys and Summers do so] Wait, do-don't do that! They'll know! Wa-wait— Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really! [all Ricks shoot their cupboards] URAAAHHHH!!!! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SICK FUCKS?!! YOU WANT TO SEE CHILDREN DIE?!!

Okay, wait here.

I wanna come with!

Don't come with. It's boring, it's... [burp] it's business stuff.

What kind of business do you do in a garage? Y'know, this seems a little shady.

Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty? Y-Y-Y'know what those guys do i-in-in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip 'em in cocaine and wipe 'em all over each other—y'know, Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. [someone knocks his window] Aw, crap. Hey, what's up?

Hey, Rick! [laughs] Here you go, 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon?

C-Can we please? This is my grandson, Morty.

Oh, hi, Morty! I'm Krombopulos Michael. I'm an assassin, I buy guns from your grandpa.

[groans] Here, go away! [K. Michael opens case]

Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet ya, Morty! Listen, if ya ever need anybody murdered, [hands Morty a card] please give me a call.

You're g— you're giving him a card?!

[cont'd] I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'. [leaves]

You sell weapons to killers for money?!

Ugh... You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mindset, Morty. It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 of these?

Uh, what?

An entire afternoon at BLIPS AND CHI-I-I-I-I-ITZ!!!!

Thank you, Morty. You are not like other carbon-based lifeforms. You put the value of all life above your own.

It's how things should be. It's how they could be.

I could not agree more. [sings]

SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MOONMEN! This isn't a musical number! This is a fucking... operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low.

"World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next?

After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation.

Oh, goody.

From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species.

One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god.

[belches] I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here?

Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when your world is one.

Unity, Unity, who am I talking to?! I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker.

Rick, when we met, I was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change.

Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown.

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. I have! See, I've-I've reconnected with my family, right?

Hm. Why is that, I wonder?

Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with... a collective. [they both exchange kisses, upping their sexual arousal]

Yes, Rick, yes! Yes, yes!

Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider, and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.

[speaks] Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table: I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies. [Jerry smirks at Beth] However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "space AIDS", as you put it, and Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. [Beth serves Jerry just as she did] At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of Blemflarcks. [Jerry serves back again] But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? [confronts them] And do you know WHY I'm never coming back to this planet?! BECAUSE THE TWO OF YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST!!! You both hate yourselves AND each other, and the idea that it has ANYTHING to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable- That's how alien I am! And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" So! Good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with EITHER of you! Blim Blam, OUT! [mic-drops the device and leaves, but comes back briefly to take the voice-decipher device] You know what? I'm taking this.

What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". That is an alien parasite.

Jerry

But I've known him my whole life!

No, you haven't, Jerry! [lifts it onto the table] These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting.

Steve wasn't real?!

He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. [drops it] Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit.

Summer

Someone?

Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike!

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. [burps, unloads laser clip] So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Mr. Poopybutthole

Ooooh-wee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help!

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?

I can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me! I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

[grunts] But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.

You guys! We gotta hurry! I just got back from Walmart, they're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for 149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card—brings the total price down to $110 after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! [exits, comes back] Nintendo, give me free stuff.

Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that!

Don't overreact, Rick.

[holding Rick at gunpoint] All right, you listen to me, you son-of-a-bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way, you know? Y-Y-Y-You wanna live? Then open the blast shield doors.

[restrained by Baby Wizard and Duck With Muscles] Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed too!

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us. You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.

O-O-Oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny little piece of shit, Morty!

O-Oh yeah?!

Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb little ass, and about six of them are pleasant! The rest is annoying garbage! So why don't you do us both a favor and PULL THE TRIGGER?! DO IT! DO IT, MOTHERFUCKER! PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER!

Oh, wow, Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife!

What the hell?

I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

[remembers several moments where he caused Morty to suffer] Holy crap, Morty, you're right!

Is-- Isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

[evasively] Well... yeah, d-doy. T-Took you long enough. [opens a hidden compartment filled with weapons] Now let's go, Morty. We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

Summer

OH MY GOD! [covers her eyes]

[covering himself] I-I-I thought you went to a concert!

Summer

We forgot the tickets! WHY IN THE KITCHEN?!

I DO IT EVERYWHERE, STOP SHAMING ME!

Summer

YOU'RE NOT THE VICTIM HERE!

I HATE YOU AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUR FRIEND GRACE!

From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone.

Jerry

This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We're what's left? What a family.

At least we're real, Jerry. We're real! Rikki-Tikki-Tavi!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Ooh-wee! Amen to that. Now, this little poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?

Mr. Poopybutthole

Huh. I-I-Is something wrong, Beth?

Mr. Poopybutthole

Oh, fuck...!

[shocked] Wait, but I--

Mr. Poopybutthole

Oh Beth, why?!

Jerry

[on the phone] I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting, my wife shot... Uh, my-- My wife shot a long-time family friend.

Summer

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Mr. Poopybutthole!

I-I thought--

Keep breathing! Look at me! Look at me! Don't-- Don't fall asleep!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Is this what bleeding to death is? Oh-wee... Is this how I die?

Oh geez! Oh my god!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Why would you do this, Beth? It's not supposed to hurt, I-I thought... ooh-wee...