Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?
Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION!
Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet?
I don't wanna talk about it!
Hey, Muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshipping us?
VVillager
The general store ought to have what you need.
VVillager
Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown.
Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute, what? Why?
VVillager
Sundown is when the Festival begins.
VVillager
Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, livin' in perfect peace.
Oh! I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year, where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence!
It's like The Purge, Morty! Th-That movie, The Purge?
VVillager
Oh, have you been here before?
No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. Y'know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. I-It's a purge planet. They're peaceful and then, y'know, they just purge.
Yeah. [beat] You wanna check it out?
You're the worst! And this planet is the worst! How can you be into this, y'know?! People are gonna kill each other!
So, what, y-y-you tryin' to sit here and tell me that iiif-- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it?
No! Why... why would I do that?! You do that?!
I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty.
Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone?
Just... making conversation.
Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation, you're holding me verbally hostage.
[frowning] Okay, ass-face, I'll go in the kitchen. [starts to walk out]
Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen?
[After being shot by Arthricia]
Oh god, it hurts... she got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty! It's the hardest working liver in the galaxy, Morty! Now it has a hole in it!
[Arthricia crawls out of Rick's ship before being confronted by Rick and Morty in power armor. Rick aims at her]
AArthricia
Wait, stop! Please don't kill me! I-I never intended to harm you, I swear! I am trying to end the Festival!
Wh-what-what do you mean?
AArthricia
I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly Festival!
[still frenzied] FUCK THAT, RICK! WE GOTTA KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!!
Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little.
"PURGE, DON'T PURGE"?! YOU'RE SENDING ME MIXED MESSAGES, RICK!
Morty, yehh-you're acting like a ehh-freaking lunatic. Calm down.
SCREW YOU, RICK! I'LL PURGE YOU TOO, YOU OLD... "RICKETY" PIECE OF CRAP! THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND SMEAR 'EM ALL OVER YOUR FACE! I AIN'T TAKING NO SH-AAAHH!! [gets zapped by Rick]
Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?
Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government?
All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
How could you be so dishonest with this family?!
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now dead best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?!
Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will NEVER DO AGAIN.
Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'F' you" to your granddaughter!
I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck you.
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.
Yeah, about going home? We can't. Ever.
SSmiths
Wait, what?! / What?!
Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them.
Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ehh-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. [Summer starts crying] Ladies? Anybody?
What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?!
Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth?
CComputer
[calculates] "765 known planets."
How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?
See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right!
Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation?
Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world.
Please, he's in the south pole! And we need to have a serious conversation!
[Rick strolls casually past a terrain of pine and palm trees before taking off his coat. He puts it on again through a rain cloud. He arrives at the south pole, plants the flag into the snow]
South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! [crawls into it] Things just keep on getting better! [reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side] Wow, it's the planet's core.
[heard above] I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, [Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards] but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government?
Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon!
There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?!
That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part.
Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally.
That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.
Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?
Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!
CDCornvelious Daniel
I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum. So safe, so comfortable... so Shoney's. But admit it, Rick—you're going crazy cooped up in here. Let's go visit some memories.
Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel? [Cornvelious Daniel squeals] Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape?
CDCornvelious Daniel
It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun.
Yeah, well, tough titties. [the restaurant starts crumbling around Cornvelious Daniel and Rick]
CDCornvelious Daniel
There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick.
Well, that depends on who breaks first—me or the titty.
RIRiq IV
Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick. How do you plead?
How is this a fair trial? O-Our lawyer is a Morty!
RIRiq IV
It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun. Look at him go! [he laughs as "Lawyer" Morty drops his papers and dances around] We'll be lenient if you renounce your Rick. What say you, Summer?
I say "fuck you"! My grandpa was my hero! You killed him because you were jealous of him, that's pretty obvious from the haircuts. So do what you want to me, but let my brother go. He already renounced Rick.
["Lawyer" Morty whispers to him] What? N-No, I don't want to see your Pog collection! I don't renounce Rick, and I never have. I was just trying to protect my sister. [to Summer, who looks stunned and more sympathetic] I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake, everything right is wrong - all you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And, well... well, he's not a villain, Summer, but he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon, or a super fucked-up god.
RIRiq IV
Let's not suck the ghost of his dick too hard. He was a terrorist, and now he's dead.
Oh yeah? If you think my Rick's dead, he's alive, and if you think you're safe, he's coming for you!
Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my--
[grabs him] Ah-ah, not so fast, Morty! You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.
Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark.
Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty!
He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away!
I've replaaaaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe.
Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it!
And they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that Mulan Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty!
What are you talking about?
Because that's-- that's what this is all about, Morty!
That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty - that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce!
I want that Mulan McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty!
If it takes nine seasons! I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty!
What are you talking about, Rick?!
That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty!
What are you talking about?!
Season-- Nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce!
[The garage closes]
For 97 more years, Morty!
What are you talking about?!
I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!
Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?!
It's called carpe diem, Morty. Look it up.
You look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means.
That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems.
Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear?
All of it. You were looking right at me. [sighs] I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids.
Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist.
[Summer walks with Hemorrhage's group through an abandoned city shooting hordes of mutants]
How come you guys dress like you're in a theme-park stunt show, but these guys wear khakis and hockey jerseys? [Hemorrhage's man shoots a mutant]
HHemorrhage
After the boom-boom, some adapted to the new truth, and some chose to huddle near the boomy holes, clinging to the lie of the before-fore times. [shoots a mutant] The raidy-rays rotted them away, [approaches group of mutants on a billboard] leaving only their love for the vert-vert-isements on billyboards.
Jesus Christ! Did the boomy-booms blow up all your wordy-word books?
HHemorrhage
You mean dictionaries? [Summer and Hemorrhage shoot the mutants down; Hemorrhage kneels down on the billboard and places his hand on the boy of a family] I think I was a child before the boom-booms. I think I looked like this.
HHemorrhage
Get out of my head.
[Morty comes to the garage] Morty!
Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me?
Flip the pickle over. [Morty walks to the workbench]
What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something?
Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. [Morty holds a screwdriver] You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. [Morty turns pickle over with Rick's face on it] I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty.
"And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job?
Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle! I'M PICKLE RIIIIICK!
[At Dr. Wong's office]
I didn't say my father is perfect, I said his work is important.
And she's saying what's important is that Grandpa lied to you to get out of coming here.
Let's do an experiment here. I get the impression this family values science. So raise your hand if you feel certain you know what was in the syringe.
[Nobody raises their hand.]
Raise your hand if you know for certain the syringe does not contain anti-pickle serum.
[Beth begins to raise her hand but stops herself.]
Beth, your hand did a little thing there.
Do you really not see what's happening here?
Well, Dr. Wong -- by the way, racist name -- obviously, Morty and Summer are seizing on your arbitrary pickle obsession as an end run around what was supposed to be their therapy.
Oh, I think this pickle incident is a better path than any other to the heart of your family's dysfunction. I think it's possible that you and your father have a very specific dynamic. I don't think it's one that rewards emotion or vulnerability. I think it may punish them. I think it's possible that dynamic eroded your marriage, and is infecting your kids with a tendency to misdirect their feelings.
[A short pause]
MSMorty and Summer, in unison
Mom!
