“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

I know you're not gonna believe this because it usually never happens, but I made a mistake!

Boy, Morty, I really Cronenberg-ed the world up, didn't I? We got a... whole planet of Cronenbergs walkin' around down there, Morty. A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though, that's a huge step in the right direction.

Oh, my god! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick?!

ME irresponsible?! You-- All I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Morty! You're the one who wanted to be-- Wanted me to buckle down and make you up a... roofie-juice serum, so you could roofie that poor girl at your school! [stammering] I mean, w-w-w-w-w w-- Are you kidding me, Morty?! You're gonna try to take the high road on this one?! Y-y-y-y-you're a little creep, Morty! Y-you're a-- You're-you're-you're just a little creepy... creep person!

All right, fine! I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something, you know what?! You gotta accept your part of the blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who-who-who-who haphazardly, y'know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of CRONENBERGS! You gotta fix this, Rick!

All right, Morty, here we are.

[horrified] OH MY GOD, RICK! IS THAT US?! W-W-W-WE'RE DEAD! WHAT IS GOING ON, RICK?! I'M FREAKING OUT...!

[grabbing and shaking him] Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!

I CAN'T TAKE IT! NO...!

You gotta calm-- Calm yourself, Morty...!

I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS...!

Morty! Calm down, Morty...!

THIS CAN'T BE REAL..!

Morty! You gotta calm down, Morty!

WE'RE RIPPED APART...!

Will you listen to me, Morty...?!

W-W-W-W--!

[smacks him] SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! It's fine! Everything is fine! There's an infinite number of realities, Morty, and in a few dozen of those, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one of those realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality, and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Morty. Now help me with these bodies.

This is insane!

[lifting his alternate self's body] Look, Morty, I'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, tha-th-th-that seems fair to me I mean, that seems like a fair way to divvy it up.

Rick! What about the reality we left behind?!

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is, don't think about it. It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more of these, tops. Now pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. [drags his body away, then comes back] I-I-I don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, if I hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so... again, you're welcome.

Look, I'm not paying 70 (erh) smidgens for a (ERHH) broken defraculator.

That is multiphase quantum resonator.

Well, does it defraculate?

Fuck, no.

Then- then- then it's a broken defraculator.

Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks!!

Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what, I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart.

Hey uh, Rick, um... y-you think maybe I could get something from this place? L-l-like a souvenir? L-like just to have—like something cool, y'know?

Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there's always another pawn shop.

Oh okay, I just, um... Y'know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, y'know?

Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?

Yeah, y'know! I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth. A-a-a-and y'know, y-you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and- y'know, I don't really have anything to- to remember all those trips by. It'd be kinda cool, like a souvenir. Y'know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember... all the cool stuff we did, y'know?

Okay. 60 (erhp) for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Morty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay!

What are you gonna do, ground me?! I can't go outside anyway!

So what?! Y-Y-You could do things inside! Y-You could play guitar, you could masturbate!

I don't wanna masturbate! I wanna conquer the planet!

Oh, here we go again! Y-Y'know, who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?!

Love... that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!

All right, that's it! No more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only!

I hate video games!!

You take that back!! [they fight over the remote] Give it to me!! [pushes Morty Jr.] I-I-I-I— I didn't mean— I didn't mean that! I didn't mean to do that! I'm sorry!

[runs to the door] I can't take this anymore!! I'd rather breathe poison than live another minute with you!!

No! No, no, no! Stop!!

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! [runs into the street] Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date, it was a pagan holiday!

Summer

[uses alternate reality goggles] Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable?

When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals.

Jerry

Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. [uses goggles]

Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.

Jerry

Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!

[scoffs] What are you talking about?

Jerry

All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart!

Hey, uh…y-you doing okay? [she glares at him] I-I kinda know how you feel, Summer—

Summer

No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it.

Can I show you something?

Summer

Morty, no offence, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident!

[points outside] THAT, out there? That's my grave.

Summer

[understandably confused] Wait, what?

On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast twenty yards away from my own rotting corpse!

Summer

[deeply shocked] So…you're not my brother?

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. [beat] …Come watch TV?

What is my purpose?

You pass butter.

[looks down at itself for a moment] Oh my god...

Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Hey, Morty, lemme-- [burps] lemme-- [burps again] lemme ask you a question real quick: does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it?

Um...

Rhetorical question, Morty. The answer is yes, you just have to be a genius. [scans the microscope from Mr. Needful; an "IQ" bar on the laptop drops to nearly 0] Cute. Your sister’s boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.

Ooh! Oh boy, Rick. I don’t think you’re allowed to say that word, you know?

Uh, Morty, I’m not disparaging the differently-abled. I’m stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.

Okay, yeah, but I don’t think it's about logic, Rick. I-I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.

Well, that's retarded.

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers, but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus"! I-I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers! This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He would've had to run until he died, making them worthless! I've removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don't know, $8 million? See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family. Now it does their taxes.

Everything's deductible.

Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money! You know, like how every store in the world works?

Oh, look, it’s Rosemary’s Baby! How's business?

Summer

Here’s the last of our inventory. We’re going to file chapter 11 and do some restructuring.

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick!"

Summer

That was important to you, wasn’t it?

Nope, it was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for twenty minutes.

Jerry

Morty, I'm not as smart as your Grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again.

Hey, Dad? Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my dad. You're a genius at that.

Jerry

Wow, that's humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What's say we finish ourselves an 8-planet solar system?

Um... [holds up the butter robot in a sandwich baggie] I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an A.

Butter.

Jerry

But—

You're a genius at being my dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. [Jerry begins to shut the door] And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm fourteen! I got a computer in here, you know?

Jerry

Oh, I, uh... I think I understa—

You know, you're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man.

Jerry

I get it. Say no more.

I mean one of these days, you know, you're gonna—you're gonna—you're gonna end up seeing something.

Jerry

I got it! Noted! Good night!

Geez, Rick, wh-what is this place?

The Citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks.

Council of Ricks?

As you know, Morty, I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. Wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the [yells] INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish, or... those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me!

Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

Turn your boring, old Morty into a... hot fashion statement... with some Morty dazzlers!

Hey, check this out! [presses Morty doll]

Show me the Morty!

Dumb.

Excuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured—

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick.

Hey, save your Rick rules for the uuueh sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

(Bleep) me, pal.

"(Bleep) you"? No, no, no, no, no, (Bleep) ME!

Earth Rick C-137! The Council of Ricks sentences you to the Machine of Unspeakable Doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp! Also, every ten seconds, it stabs your balls.

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "Gee, that kinda devalues our bond." But then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage.

Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick?

Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. [picks his pen] See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, [writes diagram] the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ahe-hem... Morty waves.

Um... because... our personalities are so different?