Jason Gideon quotes from Criminal Minds

Gideon

"Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

Reid

Samuel Beckett.

Morgan

"Try not. Do or do not."

Reid

Yoda.

I'll shoot her.

Gideon

I wouldn't. If I were you, I'd aim that gun at me. You shoot the girl, you got nothing.

Get back!

Gideon

Shoot me instead. Come on, what are you a lousy shot? [putting his hands in the air] 50 feet away. You got a perfect shot. Shoot me.

You think I'm stupid?

Gideon

I think you're an absolute moron. I know all about you, Tim. You're at the gym five times a week. You drive a flashy car, you stink of cologne, and you can't get it up. Not even Viagra's working for you. You know what that tells me? That tells me you are hopelessly compensating, and it's not just in your head. It is physical. What did the girls call you in high school? What'd they come up with when you fumbled your way into some girl's pants and she started laughing when she got a good look at just how little you had to offer?

Shut up!

Gideon

Short Stack? Very Little Vogel? I got it: Tiny Tim.

Gideon

You and Haley picked the baby's name yet?

Hotch

You know, it's funny. Haley liked the name Charles, but, you know... all I could think of...

Gideon

Uh, Manson.

Hotch

Then there was Henry...

Gideon

Lee Lucas.

Hotch

And Jeffrey...

Gideon

Dahmer?

Hotch

There's just too many of them.

Gideon

Kind of hard to feel good about catching one of them when you know there're 50 more of them still out there.

You're one of those FBI guys. Um, like, a profiler, right? Like, one look at the crime scene you can tell what kind of shampoo a killer uses.

Gideon

You sound skeptical.

Maybe a little.

Gideon

Your girlfriend thinks you're going to break up with her.

You're kidding, right?

Greenaway

Reid failed his qualification.

Gideon

Well, he can retest in two weeks.

Greenaway

Yeah, but he's gonna be embarrassed about it, so let's not mention it.

Gideon

Yeah, let's not, huh.

Morgan

Not a word. [Reid enters the room] Hey, we're all here for you. I'm serious. If you ever need anything... [places a whistle around Reid's neck and blows on it] just blow on that.

Gideon

This is going to hit you, and when it does, there's only three facts you need to know: You did what you had to do, and a lot of good people are alive because of what you did.

Reid

What's the third?

Gideon

I'm proud of you.

Morgan

Both families had a dog... and both houses had a dog door.

Greenaway

Fielding said that the person he saw was small.

Morgan

Yeah, well, in order to get through that door, you'd have to be 5'4", tops, and real thin.

Gideon

"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Morgan

Sherlock Holmes was a fictional character. Whoever did this isn't. We can be pretty sure he's probably found himself another family by now.

Greenaway

Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital?

Gideon

Regulations are regulations. You're all right?

Greenaway

Yeah, I'm fine, 'dad.'

Gideon

Elle?

Greenaway

Yeah?

Gideon

Don't ever call me 'dad' again. [walks away]

Greenaway

[to Reid] How do you think he'd feel about 'mom?'

Reid

Let me know when you're going to do that, so I can run.

Reid

Melted wax?

JJ

Candle wax?

Reid

Candles are used in rituals.

Gideon

They're also used on birthday cakes.

Reid

Actually, they were originally used to protect the birthday celebrant from demons for the coming year. As a matter of fact, down to the fourth century, Christianity rejected the birthday celebration as a pagan ritual.

What kind of a doctor are you?

Gideon

We all have bad dreams. Everyone on the plane, who wouldn't? We hunt the worst of humanity, we see the depths of depravity, we dream of monsters.

Reid

In my dream, there's a baby, in the middle of a circle, and there's someone on the other side, and I can't get to her before I...

Gideon

Every night I look at Debra, helps me. Helps me go to sleep thinking of the victims we save. Don't always beat the monsters to the babies, but we do enough to make the job worth it. Keep the nightmares bearable.

Hotchner

What happened to you?

Gideon

[entering the room on crutches] I got a list of things I want to try before it's too late.

Greenaway

[sarcastically] And orthopedic surgery's one of them?

Gideon

No, skydiving. Apparently it's all about the landing.

Gideon

[to Garcia, hurriedly] Give me the book. The big one, right there.

Garcia

OK. [muttering under her breath] Get the book, please, Penelope. Here you are. Thank you.

Hotchner

Well, you managed to get on Garcia's nerves pretty thoroughly.

Gideon

Who's Garcia?

Hotchner

Penelope? The tech? With the glasses.

Gideon

In the room with the screens?

Hotchner

Yeah.

Gideon

She's great!

Gideon

Do you know what program did the most harm to this country in terms of crimes like this? Child abduction.

No.

Reid

"Stranger Danger".

Gideon

Flooded the schools with it.

Reid

I remember them coming to my classroom. It was "Officer Friendly" with "Stranger Danger" coloring books.

Gideon

Taught a whole generation about a scary man in a trench coat hiding behind a tree. Then we learnt that strangers are only a fraction of the offenders out there. Most are people you see every day. Your family, your neighbors, your school teachers. You know the rest. Prepared our children for 1% of the danger and made them more vulnerable to 99%.

Gideon

Hey, Hotch, did you send flowers to that tech room girl, Garcia, and say they were from me?

Hotchner

Yeah.

Gideon

Why?

Hotchner

Jason, people need to know that they're important and sometimes you forget that.

Gideon

Well, I already sent her a gift, an MP3 player. They last longer unless you drop it or the battery dies, whichever comes first.

Hotchner

So she got two gifts.

Gideon

What if she thinks I'm sweet on her?