Spencer Reid quotes from Criminal Minds

Hotch

You know, Haley and I were looking at a baby names book. Guess what Gideon means in Hebrew.

Reid

[Walking up to Hotch and Morgan] Mighty Warrior. Appropriate.

Greenaway

Chemical accelerant could mean chemistry student.

Reid

It could also mean chemistry professor.

Greenaway

I say student. You need self-confidence to lecture in front of a classroom full of 30 college kids. Arsonists are socially incompetent. This guy doesn't go on dates, he doesn't go to parties, he doesn't feel comfortable in front of groups. [Reid looks at Elle, realizing he fits the description] And of course he's a total psychopath.

Reid

Of course.

Reid

Do you think it's weird that I knew that ballad?

Greenaway

I don't know how it is you know half the stuff you know, but I'm glad you do.

Reid

Do you think that's why I can't get a date?

Greenaway

You ever ask anyone out?

Reid

[nervously shifts his eyes] No.

Greenaway

That's why you can't get a date.

Morgan

I hate not having a plan. We're looking for a needle in a haystack.

Reid

Actually, it's more like we're looking for a needle in a pile of needles.

Morgan

What?

Reid

A needle would stand out in a haystack.

Morgan

Okay. Then we're not looking for someone who stands out.

Reid

No, we're looking for a particular needle in a pile of needles.

Reid

Must be tough, man.

Morgan

[laughs] Not really.

Reid

What do you mean? You don't DO anything and these women are throwing themselves at you.

Morgan

Strictly off limits, Reid.

Reid

There's no code of conduct that says agents can't socialize.

Morgan

Yeah, well, see, my code of survival says never mess with a woman who carries a gun.

[to Reid] Excuse me, can you actually read that fast?

Reid

Our conscious minds can process sixteen bits of information per second. Our unconscious, however, can process eleven million. [off Davenport's look] Yes, I... I can actually read this fast.

Reid

I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think that I do.

Morgan

I never said that. When have I ever said that?

Reid

Every day since I met you!

Greenaway

This morning at breakfast.

Hotchner

Yesterday when he beat you at cards. Um, we've got one minute.

Morgan

Anybody ever heard of sarcasm?

Hotchner

[about a head shot Reid accomplished] Nice shot.

Reid

I was aiming for his leg.

Hotchner

Well, I wouldn't have kept kicking, but I was afraid you didn't get my plan.

Reid

I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire.

Hotchner

Well, I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.

Reid

Hotch, I was a twelve year-old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine year-old girl. [tries to return the gun]

Hotchner

No, keep it. As far as I'm concerned, you passed your qualification.

Gideon

This is going to hit you, and when it does, there's only three facts you need to know: You did what you had to do, and a lot of good people are alive because of what you did.

Reid

What's the third?

Gideon

I'm proud of you.

J.J.

He's so gorgeous.

Haley

Thank you.

Reid

If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive.

Garcia

Look at his little witty bitty nose. [to Morgan] Don't you want one of these?

Morgan

I'll stick to practicing.

Reid

No one gets therapy these days without a healthy dose of medication.

Garcia

What are you implying, Reid?

Reid

That everyone is medicated.

Garcia

Did you just make a joke?

Reid

No, I mean... Statistics, they... They show it...

Garcia

Reid. Next time, just say yes, okay?

Reid

Are you hacking into the government's HMO database? Is that legal?

Garcia

Course not. We'll both go to prison and you'll be someone's bitch.

Reid

Really?

Greenaway

Can you get into those records?

Reid

Despite the fact that they were probably expunged, she can find the faintest echo of deletion, successfully recreate the file, thereby sending us all to prison for computer felony fraud counts.

Greenaway

We can make bail.

Morgan

And remember, play into the guy's fantasy, believe it yourself.

Reid

Actually, did you know that dentists and surgeons have been recruited to secretly implant these during otherwise normal medical procedures? This has been happening on and off since the late 1930s. [Morgan looks at him] Told me to believe.

Greenaway

Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital?

Gideon

Regulations are regulations. You're all right?

Greenaway

Yeah, I'm fine, 'dad.'

Gideon

Elle?

Greenaway

Yeah?

Gideon

Don't ever call me 'dad' again. [walks away]

Greenaway

[to Reid] How do you think he'd feel about 'mom?'

Reid

Let me know when you're going to do that, so I can run.