Columbo · Season 1
Uh, so this is a television studio, huh?
Yes.
Quite a place!
Well, it's a barn, really. I'm sure it's not as glamorous as you thought it'd be.
That's right, it isn't. But things aren't really what they seem to be, are they?
[sarcastically] My, how observant you are!
[to upset Mrs. Matthews] Now I want you to go right ahead and I want you to forget about all this. Just do what my wife does. 'Cause when she hits a department store, she just can forget anything, even the fact that I'm sitting outside waiting.
Alright, Lieutenant, you claim that I planted these paintings. Suppose you prove it.
[looking at the fingerprint expert] Can we?
Yeah.
[looking back at Kingston] Yeah. With fingerprints.
Well, you see, he pulled the rug out from under you when he left his collection to Mrs. Mathews so you only had one thing that you could do-- murder him and blame it on her.
Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police and he said he'd send over his very best man?
[looking at Columbo] Is that a fact?
Well, my wife, she says I'm second best but, uh, she claims there are 80 fellas tied for first.
See, now there you go. You're looking at your watch again.
Will you do me a favor? Will you please keep quiet?
Why? It's only a dumb theory of mine.
You know something, Roger? The truth is hard to find sometimes. Sometimes it's right in front of you and you can't prove it.
Now you see, my problem with Chemistry, that started way back in high school 'cause in my junior year I, I had to get a better grade. So I said to heck with this Chemistry stuff. I'll take another year of wood shop. You know, you just build a birdhouse and if you paint it red you get an A.
I can't imagine anyone murdering themselves, especially a young girl like that. Beautiful eyes. But that's me. I'd like to see everyone die of old age.
Anyway, I happened to be in the neighborhood today. That's not true. I really came out here to see you. I don't want to appear presumptious.
Anyway, what I was going to ask you is this—how much do you make?
I uh, I think that is very impertinent, how much do I make.
Tours?
I don't know.
Concerts?
I don't know.
Publishing?
I don't know.
Well, et cetera, et cetera. I make $11,000 a year. So at $11,000 a year, I got $750,000 for the house, $18,000 in taxes, 200 in furniture. How much help do you have?
I have five including the gardener.
You got that and the money plus, plus, plus. 11,000 times 10 years, 110,000. 110,000 times 100 years is 1.1 million. Well, let's say 900,000. That's 90 years work for me just to live here, without eating.
Oh, listen, just one more thing. Uh. I know you don't agree but at least I've convinced my superiors that Jennifer Welles was murdered. It was not a suicide and they've officially assigned me to the case. That's my specialty, you know. Homicide.
Listen Paul, do you happen to know the name of the other guy?
I never asked.
Oh, sure. I mean, why would a guy ask his girl the name of the other man.
[looking at film, calls to projectionist] Freeze! [points to screen] There's the flower! Now that's plain as day! Where did it come from?
I don't know. What difference does it make?
Well, on the tape at the concert you weren't wearing a flower. Now on this film coming out of Miss Well's apartment, you have a flower. Where did it come from?
Are you actually trying to pin this murder on me with, with that?
Yes.
You see that?
What is it?
Third bullet. Also a 32-caliber and also proven by Ballistics to have been fired by the same weapon that fired the first two bullets. Mr. Goodland, I just don't know how you're gonna explain this.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Columbo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
