Boston Legal quotes

442 total quotes



All Seasons
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Alan: Denny, I... Why do you have clothes pins on your ears?
Denny: Personal.

Alan: Denny, where is that doll?
Denny: The police took her in for questioning.
Alan: Shirley Schmidt-ho?
Denny: She'll be back.

Alan: Erica, before I pick up the phone, is there anything else I need to know?
Erica: Like?
Alan: Anything that could be construed as relevant.
Erica: Well. We were lovers.
[Jerry squeals]
Alan: That would be relevant.

Alan: Everyone here is named Denny Crane. These are just the ones within driving distance, of course, since airplane travel is not an option.

Alan: Excuse me, I realize you're new to this office but we have a zero-tolerance policy here when it comes to sexual harassment.
Claire: Ha! [points to Denny] Tubby over there groped me when I came off the elevator.
Alan: Did he grunt as he groped? Because I found as long as he's not grunting you're perfectly fine.

Alan: Feels good, doesn't it?
Roberta: What feels good?
Alan: Having sex with the candidate. What if he wins? I bet the orgasms are even better if he wins. [sighs] I'm jealous.

Alan: First of all, the idea of giving representation to that thug”¦
Denny: Alan, c'mon, we hate all our clients. It's good to hate, allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.

Alan: God likes to fish?
Denny: We need to go to the woods and touch ourselves...get in touch with ourselves.

Alan: Hello.
Claire: I know who you are. You're a little horny toad. Horny toads give me warts. Hop away, horny toad.

Alan: I always feel slightly sick to my stomach when I work alone in the office late at night.
Denise: I thought you liked being alone.
Alan: Oh, I love being alone. I just prefer to be alone when there's other people around.

Alan: I can see you're aroused. You might consider the last man to make love to her died while doing so.
[Denny looks over Kelly Nolan's body.]
Denny: I'll take my chances.

Alan: I demand only one thing in a relationship, Christine, that I remain utterly alone.

Alan: I didn't see you on the balcony the other night.
Denny: Bev and I had something to do...then we did it again.

Alan: I have a similar bit of wisdom I like to share. We can do this my way or another way that will have you writing a very large check and crying like a baby.

Alan: I have trouble talking that fast. I don't believe in being straight up, but I'm a big fan of your Aqua Velva commercials.