Boston Legal quotes

442 total quotes

All Seasons
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Alan: [to Lori] I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those who want to kill me, don't you? Perhaps you'll find that witty comeback in your office.

Alan: [to Sally] I haven't kept up with the boyfriend/girlfriend regulations.

Alan: Admit it Shirley, you're drawn to me like Eve to the Serpent. Take me home and help me stretch my coil.
Shirley: Has that line actually worked?
Alan: It's working now.

Alan: Alan Shore, it's a pleasure. [extends hand to shake Shirley's hand after using the restroom]
Shirley Schmidt: Surely you intend to wash that.
Alan: I keep an extremely clean penis.

Alan: And good for you, you've enlisted the one prosecutor who's running for D.A. next year. Tell me, how big was your campaign contribution? And is there a matching fund here at the firm we can all go in on?
Shirley: It was sizeable, and speak to Kim in accounting.

Alan: “You'll recall I once advised you fleeing the practice of law because it's an ugly occupation which calls opponents participants to do ugly things. I'm very accomplished to the practice of law, Jerry.”¯

Alan: ”¦You're not losing an Alan, you're gaining a Bev, the girl of your recent dreams.
Denny: Alan, you're my best friend. If you want, you can dream about her, too.
Alan: Denny, you're generous to a fault.

Alan: Catherine, may I ask why would you seek to befriend this man?
Catherine: Well, I felt at his core he wasn't evil. I also thought I could help him by introducing him to Jesus Christ, our Savior.
Alan: Was he open to that?
Catherine: Not terribly. He thought it would make him look like a bad Jew.

Alan: Christine, you were in love with a man who was unworthy of you, who made you doubt everything you had a right to count on, who perhaps even toyed with your sanity.
Christine: That's still no reason to kill him.
Alan: Perhaps he had it coming.
Christine: Perhaps you did.

Alan: Congratulations. I saw you were the lucky one who caught Bev's garter.
Paul: Yes. I'm going for a full battery of tests first thing in the morning.

Alan: Denise, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Shirley. I happen to know sometimes grief can trigger the libido. It's got something to do with death causing a biological need to propagate the species. Evidently after 9-11, people were running around like rabbits.
Denise: Really? I did not know that.
Alan: If I could ever be of help you cope.

Alan: Denise, you've always struck me as a woman who secretly longs to be debased. It's an awfully big job. But I feel I'm just the man to... do it.
Denise: Don't stop. I'm curious to see just how low you'll go.
Alan: All the way down. Again. And again. I see the filthy, naughty girl deep inside you, Denise, longing to get out. Now, if you're so unwilling to let her out, perhaps I should go in after her. I brought my snorkel.

Alan: Denny, I could be wrong, but you might want to think about settling this.
Denny: You're absolutely right. You could be wrong.

Alan: Denny, I refuse to shoot you.
Denny Crane: You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?
Alan: Where would we be...

Alan: Denny, I'm not going to presume you were paying attention in court today, were you?
Denny: In and out.
Alan: You were hung-over.
Denny: It happens!