Gaius Baltar quotes from Battlestar Galactica (2003)

You have been selected as Caprica's delegate to the Quorum of Twelve.

Baltar

Me? Is this some kind of joke?

Guess you got the super-genius vote. No accounting for taste.

Congratulations, Doctor!

Baltar

Thank you, um...politics is the only thing more boring than blood samples. All those interminable speeches, all that dreary pomp...!

Parties full of young women, drawn to men of power.

Baltar

...but when the people call, you must serve.

As far as I'm concerned, you can have any woman you want. But always remember, I have your heart.

Baltar

Yes, of course you do.

I can always rip it out of your chest if I have to.

I don't believe you.

Roslin

You're a genius, are you not?

Baltar

Well quite frankly, I don't give a flying frak whether you believe me or not! Because I've had it. I am-I am tired of being pushed and prodded around like I'm some kind of toy. I'm not your plaything!

[together] Plaything?

Baltar

I don't work for you. And quite frankly, I don't have to sit anymore and take this kind of abuse from either of you! [Roslin and Billy look confused.] You either- either in here, either in there! Wherever it is, I don't need to take it.

Gaius Baltar

I know this place.

Of course you do. [she guides him up the steps of an archway] Go inside.

Baltar

I don't understand.

Life has a melody, Gaius. A rhythm of notes that become your existence once they're played in harmony with God's plan. It's time to do your part and realize your destiny.

Baltar

Which is what exactly?

You are the guardian and protector of the new generation of God's children. The first member of our family will be with us soon, Gaius. It's time to make your choice.

Baltar

But I don't understand what you're talking about. Really, I don't understand.

Come. See the face of the shape of things to come.

Isn't she beautiful, Gaius?

Baltar

I just don't respond to the title "Doc." A dock is a platform for loading and unloading material. My title is "Doctor" or "Mr. Vice President," if you don't mind.

Galen Tyrol

You are loading, are you not?

Baltar

I'm not trained for this kind of thing. I've never fired a gun in my life.

I haven't fired o­ne since basic.

Baltar

You?

Cally

I just joined to pay for dental school.

Baltar

Its all so pointless. We kill them, and they kill us, so we kill more of them, so they kill more of us. What's the point anymore?

You, your race, invented murder. Invented killing for sport, greed, envy. Its man's one true art form.

I am so proud of you Gaius.

Baltar

Why? 'Cause I've taken a life?

It is what makes you human.

Baltar

Is it? Not conscious thought? Not poetry, or art, or music, literature? Murder. Murder is my heritage...

Cally

But I've known the Chief for years. He's no toaster!

Baltar

He was involved with Lieutenant Valerii, who most certainly is a toaster.

That word is racist. I don't like it.

Cally

Sure, he showed some bad judgment getting involved with her, but that doesn't mean he's a toaster! You've got to help him.

Say something, Gaius. Tell her you won't have racial epithets used in your presence.

Baltar

I'm very sorry. I was going to tell the Colonel there's nothing I can do. The Cylon detector I developed doesn't work. Clearly.

Cally

No. You've got to help him.

Your child's gonna be half toaster. How does that make you feel?

Baltar

Nothing would make me happier.

Baltar

So who or what are you, exactly?

I am an angel of God sent here to protect you. To guide you, to love you.

Baltar

To what end?

To the end of the human race.

Roslin

You saved my life. And I'm grateful. But I sense that there is some unease in you about assuming the presidency, and I'd like to offer you an out.

Baltar

You what?

Roslin

Resign. Return to your scientific work o­n Galactica. No o­ne will question your motives. You can consider it a second chance, like the o­ne you gave me.

Baltar

Charming.

Roslin

Doctor. This is a o­ne-time offer. I suggest you reconsider.

Baltar

You know, Madame President, I've never been particularly interested in politics. I never wanted any lofty position of power. I never wanted to be the Vice President. That is, until this very moment. Because right now, I can't think of anything I want more.

Roslin

If the baby does survive, the question is -- what do we do with it?

Baltar

Do? What are you suggesting? That we throw it out of an airlock?

Roslin

I don't make suggestions, Mr. Baltar. If I want to toss a baby out of an airlock, I'd say so.

Baltar

Not your night, I guess.

Roslin

Why don't you go frak yourself?

Adama

You're not listening.

Baltar

I don't have to listen. I'm the President.

Let's review, why we're here shall we? Uh, we're supposed to bring the word of "God" to save the people, right? To save humanity from damnation, by bringing the love of "God" these poor, benighted people.

We're here because the majority of the Cylons felt that the slaughter of mankind had been a mistake.

We're here to find a new way to live in peace. As God wants us to live.

And it's been a fun ride so far. But I want to clarify our objectives. If we're bringing the word of "God", it follows that we should employ any means necessary to do so. Any means. Yes, fear is a key article of faith as I understand it, so perhaps it's time to instill a little more fear into the people's hearts and minds. Let's uh, let's execute Baltar.

Baltar

What? What?!

That's not gonna happen.

Just because he's your favorite toy shouldn't interfere with the larger issues here.

Baltar

I think that I have co-operated-

Gaius is with me. Anyone that wants to challenge that will have to deal with me.

Well it doesn't matter. If we killed him at the beginning, it might've worked. But now most humans think of him as a traitor, and might actually cheer his death.

Fine, fine. We don't kill Baltar. We round up the leaders of the insurgency and we execute them, publicly. We round up at random, groups off the street and we execute them, publicly. Send a message that the gloves are coming off, the insurgency stops now or else we start reducing the human population to a more mangeable size. I don't know, say less than a thousand.

We need to stop being butchers.

The entire point of coming here was to start a new way of life. To push past the conflict that seperated us from humans for so long.

And what has it gotten us? It's not like they welcomed us with, with, frak it, never mind. You're all living in a fantasy world, consider the irony in that! Ha ha! Delusional machines! What's the universe gonna come up with next?