Martin McCabe quotes from Absolute Power

Martin

I want my morning claret. The sun is over the yardarm. If it isn't, I'll get a new yardarm.

Martin

Somebody did ring. I got all the way to the phone. Then I suddenly realised I couldn't be arsed.

Martin

A sound gun on a windy night fails to distinguish between two words that fall similarly on the ear. Could it be that the minister is in fact saying, "What's a boy to do to get a fox round here?"

Charles

You were going to spend your redundancy money on a pub.

Martin

No, no, no. I was going to spend my redundancy money in a pub.

Martin

Ah, America, America, Land of the Arse.

Charles

I do so very beg your pardon?

Martin

It's true. They've all got them. Great big enormous ones. It's because they drink Coca Cola out of dustbins.

Martin

(reading aloud while typing) "So, in conclusion," erm...

Charles

Martin, it's no good typing "so, in conclusion" at the bottom of a blank screen.

Charles

Labour has just lost one of its safest seats.

Martin

How interesting(!)

Charles

Do I have to explain to you the significance of that?

Martin

You don't have to, Charles, no. Mind you, it might relieve the tedium, if the explanation involved pulling your trousers down and doing your impression of a swingometer.

Charles

Do you happen to remember writing: "Dear Sirs, the reason I have not replied to your letters of the 26th and the 30th is that I couldn't be arsed. Yours in sport, Martin"?

Martin

Well, I may possibly have done. Why?

Charles

Well, because you e-mailed it to the Inland Revenue, who have written back in distressed tones.

We might have clients coming.

Martin

Well, as God once remarked to the people of Gomorrah: sod 'em.

Martin

The salad of strawberry and feta cheese, please, and the chicken.

Charles

Smoked salmon and the confit of duck, I think.

And for you, sir?

Er, I'll have...

Charles

(interrupts quickly) An omelette!

Oh.

Charles

And a bottle of Saint-Émilion. And a glass of Vimto for that.

Charles

Where are you going?

Martin

I'm going to my club for a glass of claret.

Charles

But there's work to do!

Martin

My dear Charles, even a first-class mind requires lubrication before shafting.

Martin

If he should come in, show him some TCP.

TLC, Mr McCabe.

Martin

They've taken two Labour MPs hostage!

Charles

The Prime Minister's got hundreds of Labour MPs!

We're thought to be out of touch with the...what do you call it?

Martin

Zeitgeist?

We don't use German in the Telegraph, Martin.

Martin

I'm not sure how the Advertising Standards Authority will react to a fat naked man looking forlornly down, with a caption saying: "Can you see my point? Because I can't."

You did suggest a sexual theme.

Martin

Yes...Clive, you don't feel like going on strike now, do you?