A Bit of Fry and Laurie quotes

If I had my way with that Mervin Bragg...

..no one would be the least surprised.

You know what makes me REALLY mad? It's this new drug, ecstasy. Makes me MAD!

You know what makes me REALLY mad? It's this belief that I'm John the Baptist.

I appreciate that you're trying to help here, but I also used my genitals for, you know, expelling urine.

That's the beauty of the system. When people see you in a combat jacket and driving around in a white van with Killer in the back, the piss will be taken out of you constantly.

[nervously] Good evening. Table for bomb, please.

Well, I was born Mary Patterson, but then I married and naturally took my husband's name, so now I'm Neil Patterson.

It's ludicrously easy to knock Mrs. Thatcher, isn't it? It's the simplest, easiest and most obvious thing in the world to remark that she's a shameful, putrid scab, an embarrassing, ludicrous monstrosity that makes one frankly ashamed to be British and that her ideas and standards are a stain on our national history. That's easy! Anyone can see that! Nothing difficult about that! But after tonight, no one will ever accuse us again with failing to come up with something to take her place. Hugh?

Twenty-five years ago the doctors told your mother and me that it would be impossible for us ever to have children.

Oh, why not?

I can't remember the exact reason; it was something to do with penises I think.

Yes, I drive a Vauxhall Nova Splash. Uh, it's a limited edition. I think they only made one and a half million of them.

Well, we had our first child on the NHS and had to wait nine months, can you believe it.

I've always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper.

[Walking away] No, I can't stop, I'm afraid. My wife is being towed away.

In my dreams I've played snooker with Stephen Hendry. I've sung with Barbra Streisand and I've been to bed with Anneka Rice. In reality I've played snooker with Barbra Streisand, I've sung with Anneka Rice and I've been to bed with Stephen Hendry. Sometimes life can be even better than the dream.

How may we serve?

Well, I was after a pair of shoes.

Very well. I shall serve them first.

Ah. I fancy I detect a wrinkle of concern on your otherwise smooth and toboggonable brow. Yes, your intimations are right. Business is not what it was. It is not even what it is. It may not even be what it will be.