The Golden Girls quotes

465 total quotes

All Seasons
 Season 1   Season 2   Season 3  

Blanche: [just as Sophia is entering the room] So Rose, you're seeing a psychiatrist.
Sophia: It's about time! The woman gives names to her gingerbread men!

Blanche: [meeting Angelo; in nun's costume, panties in hand] We're here collecting, uh, lingerie... for needy sexy people.

Blanche: [meeting Frank for the first time, is stunned that he is a priest] Good evening, Father. My, my, this must be an important cause. Don't you usually make the nuns ask for money? I'll get my purse.
Frank: I- I'm Frank. I'm here to see Dorothy.
Blanche: You're the hunk? I mean... forgive me, Father. That is, forgive my language, uh- not in your official capacity. I'm not even Catholic, I'm a Baptist and you can't forgive us Baptists. ... Sweet Jesus, why am I babblin'? ... I meant that in all due reverence. I never take the Lord's name in vain. Oh God, now I'm lyin' to a priest! Why don't you just come on in and sit down? I'm, I'm Blanche, I'm Dorothy's roommate. Would you get the door?
Frank: Dorothy's told me a great deal about you.
Blanche: [nervously]] Well, she seems to have left out one itty-bitty detail about you.
Frank: That I'm a priest?
Blanche: Uh-huh.
Frank: She didn't know.
Blanche: What'd she think, you were just a boring dresser?
Frank: She's never seen me in cleric's clothing.
Blanche: I didn't know you priests could take your clothes off.
Frank: We do a lot of things real people do.
Blanche: Except for one very important thing. Boy, is that gonna put a hitch in Dorothy's plans.

Blanche: [on the car she was planning to sell Rose] It's the noisiest thing to come out of Detroit since Martha & The Vandellas.

Blanche: [on the charity banquet] I told the manager, if he let us have that room, I would persuade my sister to sing for free in his piano bar!
Rose: You mean your sister Virginia?
Blanche: No, I mean my sister, Miss Susan Anton!
Dorothy: Blanche, how could you tell such a lie?
Blanche: He didn't believe me for a minute! He told me I was much too attractive to be related to her. But he gave us the room anyhow because he said he liked my moxie!
Sophia: And I bet you liked showing it to him!

Blanche: [on the difference between Jake and her "ideal" man] But I'm not going to let that discourage me from finding my Mr. Right, and I'm not going to compromise my standards either. I am simply going to look high and low, far and wide, and never lose heart, for I know one day my prince will come. [leaves]
Dorothy: Now what was that supposed to mean?
Sophia: I wasn't paying close attention, but from what I could make of it she's going to sleep with that little black guy Prince.

Blanche: [on the phone, unaware that Angelo is in the kitchen] Hi Walter, how are you? ... Yeah, I feel like a caged animal in heat too. ... Walter, you naughty boy! Keep on talkin'! ... What am I wearing? Well, to be perfectly honest, A NUN'S OUTFIT! ... Oh, sounds good to me, uh huh. I'll be over just as soon as this storm lets up! [hangs up, then sees Angelo staring at her quizzically; to Angelo] He's a leper. And I'm the only one who'll touch him.
[Angelo, not knowing Stan and Dorothy are divorced, brings Stan into Dorothy's room at night. When Angelo leaves, Stan sits on the end of the bed] Stan: Dorothy, I know it's been a while, but try to control yourself, I need to get some rest. [Dorothy kicks him off of the bed] What the hell was that for?! Dorothy: Stanley, you're not getting into this bed! Stan: Well, where the hell am I supposed to sleep? Dorothy: On the floor, like any dog. Stan: Fine! [grabs pillow and sheets] Just fine! Stan Zbornak doesn't have to beg a woman to get into bed! Women come to me! Dorothy: Oh, sure. Right after they get the approval number on your MasterCard! Stan: Good night! Dorothy: Oh, shut up! [Stan gets on the floor and lays down as Dorothy turns off the light. He starts laughing] Dorothy: Stanley, if you're doing what I think you're doing, you're in big trouble.

Blanche: [on why she isn't wearing the same green silk dress she wore to last year's banquet] I decided too many people would recognize it. It is such a stunnin' shade of green.
Sophia: The only thing they'll remember is the way you fall out of it!
Blanche: Sophia!
Sophia: If you asked people the color, half of them would say, "Flesh tones"!
Blanche: Sophia!!

Blanche: [on why she never suffered from Empty Nest Syndrome] I couldn't wait for my kids to get out on their own. I got depressed watching them grow older, 'cause it meant I was gettin' older. They were like noisy little calendars. The minute they all entered high school, I told everybody they were my husband's from a previous marriage.
Dorothy: And you wonder why they're in therapy.
Season 3

Blanche: [on why she's excited about taking a night-school Spanish class with Rose] Men go to night school - smart men. And nothing turns me on more than a smart man. Unless it's a stupid man with good hands.

Blanche: [reading from Rose's diary] Dear Diary, I don't know how much longer I can stand living with these two pigs. At first, moving in with them seemed like a good way to save money, but it's just getting out of hand. If one isn't keepin' me awake all night with her squealin', the other one is belchin' in my face! [stops reading] You do that sometimes, Dorothy. After you've had a Denver omelet.
Dorothy: Look, this is a real invasion of Rose's privacy. And it's a Spanish omelet.

Blanche: [recalling the night her husband died] The night George died, the telephone rang and a highway patrolman said, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you have a yellow convertible and a husband named George?" I said, "Yes, of course, good grief, what's happened?" and he said, "Hold on, ma'am." Put me on hold with that music while you wait. I sat there at two in the morning listenin' to Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. And then, after an eternity, he comes back on the line eatin' chips. And he says, "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm the only one here, my phone's been ringin' off the hook." And I said, "Officer, what about my husband?" And then he said - crunchin' his chips - "Oh, he's dead. Wrong way driver hit him head-on. Totally dead, ma'am (crunch crunch)."
Dorothy: Oh, no!
Blanche: Puts me on hold and then eats Doritos while he tells me my life is over! [about telling Mrs. Beatty about Al's death] Oh, Rose has to tell her. Rose won't eat chips.
Rose: I never eat chips, I don't like 'em. They fall in my bra.

Blanche: [seeing herself in a mirror lying down] I'm going to have to meet men lying down.
Sophia: I thought you did.

Blanche: [suggests a way to get to the TV studio in time] I have a better idea - we can hitchhike. See, I can lift up my skirt, you know, like in that Clark Gable movie, It Happened One Night. Boy, we'll have a ride in no time.
Sophia: Please! You lift up your skirt, and someone might mistake your thigh for the on ramp to the freeway.

Blanche: [telling a story about "guilt"] Just about the time that George and I were getting serious, he was shipped off to Korea. Well, I wanted to do my part for the war effort so I took a job in a factory that made canteens. I figured that one of the canteens that I had riveted would find its way to George, and his lips would drink from the galvanized spout I had so lovingly fashioned, thereby symbolically reuniting us.
Rose: Blanche, that's a beautiful reason to take that job.
Blanche: Well, that wasn't the only reason. That factory also had a comprehensive dental plan, and I was in desperate need of a bridge and two crowns.
Dorothy: War is hell.
Blanche: So were my teeth. Anyway, while I was working on the assembly line, I met a young man named Andrew Beandorf. Oh, it was just a platonic thing, we just went out to the movies and dinner, but when George came home on leave, he was furious. He accused me unjustly of infidelity, while he was off fightin' in some foreign land, some God-forsaken land where people didn't even believe in Jesus, and he forbade me ever to see Andrew again. So of course I didn't.
Dorothy: So you lost a good friend, just because George made you feel guilty about it.
Blanche: That's right. I lost a good friend, and a wonderful companion, and an excellent lover!
Rose: An excellent lover???
Blanche: [laughing] Did I say excellent lover? I meant excellent riveter.
Dorothy: I can understand how you could confuse the two.