Tom quotes from Waiting for God

Tom

Good heavens, someone die? Of course not. We’d have shared out the extra cornflakes at breakfast.

Tom

A bargain lights a primeval fire in Marion’s loins. Apparently, she can only achieve orgasm during the Harrod’s sales.

Tom

If you think life is one long bath in acid, why don’t you pull the plug?

Diana

Suicide?

Tom

Mercy killing, in your case.

Diana

No. Too many people to get even with, and the best way to do that is outlive them.

Diana

Tom, should you be leaving like this?

Tom

No.

Diana

Well, maybe you shouldn’t.

Tom

Of course I shouldn’t.

Diana

Well then, why are you?

Tom

Oh God, woman, don’t you ever listen to your own lectures? To stay alive, one must be bloody-minded and contrary at all times!

Diana

Well, maybe I was just theorising.

Diana

Pain is experience, Tom!

Tom

Experience for what?

Diana

For its own sake. Now, if we were to shoot ourselves, there would be a moment when we would know what it felt like to be shot. We would be more complete human beings. Metaphysically, that is. Physically, of course, we’d be slightly less complete human beings.

Diana

For you, they’d need a 70-Dead Club.

Tom

What a terrible idea.

Diana

Money back if you conk out before take-off… You and I ought to go to some of these resorts. Parade naked up and down the beach with placards saying “Hello, Young People. We Are Your Future.”

Diana

When you talk to God, why do you look into the treetops? Is God a squirrel?

Tom

No, he’s not a squirrel. You mustn’t blaspheme.

Diana

I just don’t believe in God.

Tom

He’s probably got fairly severe reservations about you, too.

Diana

I think our beloved leader, Harvey Pea-brain Baines, the athlete’s foot from the black lagoon, the soot from the flue of life, he who should be scraped from one’s shoe…

Tom

Get to the point!

Diana

Well, I think Baines is up to something.

Tom

He probably wants to curb your use of extravagant metaphor.

Diana

It’s my holy mission in life, to blow raspberries at other holy missions.

Tom

But has it ever occurred to you that you might be wrong?

Diana

Why should it? It never occurs to any of them. Except possibly the Church of England.

Diana

Well, why aren't you getting out of bed?

Tom

There doesn't seem much point.

Diana

No, of course there's no point. There is no point in the entire universe. There is no point in the concept of the vacuum from whence it came. No point or purpose in anything. No design, no nothing. Nothing and then more nothing.

Tom

I only said I didn't want to get out of bed.

Tom

I was wondering if you would like to shack up with me?

Diana

I'm sorry, Tom, I don't think I heard you correctly. I thought you asked me to shack up with you. Do correct me if I'm wrong.

Tom

No, that's it.

Diana

Well, if you would like to place your head upon the floor, I will endeavour to kick it clean off your shoulders.

Tom

Oh, no, Diana, I don't mean the humpty-dumpty hinky-pinky parlez-vous whoops golly who's for tennis bit.

Diana

Do you mean sex?

Tom

Oh, Diana! There's no point in having a language which encourages the use of complex euphemisms, if you come charging along using words like, um, what you just said.

I suppose you put that up to keep out that dreadful Trent woman.

Tom

Oh, she's all right.

No she is not, Tom! Believe me, I know the type. Fifth columnists! It was people like her, free thinkers, that lost us the Empire! No team spirit! She does not care for her fellow man!

Tom

She can't stand her fellow man!