Diana quotes from Waiting for God

Diana

Do you know what faith is, Jane? Faith is what helps you make the quantum leap between the believable to the totally bloody ridiculous.

Diana

I used to come down here during the war. I used the watch the air battles, the dogfights, out there. Our boys and their boys weaving about on a lovely summer’s day, putting on such a show. If one of the Hun went down, the whole beach would cheer. If one of our boys was hit, even the wind would stop blowing. Time froze until the lad either parachuted to safety and your heart would leap, or he plunged into the sea and you all died with him. Nineteen or twenty years of some dear mother’s adoration, loving care, just switched off. Doused. It’s why I never had children. Couldn’t face losing them. It’s why I never had much at all.

Diana

Stop this quaintly dotty non-sequential stuff, this phony senility. It won’t wash with me. You’re quite capable of logical reasoning so just stop trying to fill the role of the charmingly barmy old codger. You want to watch out – they’ll start believing it’s the real you. They’ll start patting you on the knee and talking slowly and carefully. And then you’ll start nodding and smiling and then they’ll be saying you’re not long for this world, you’ve had a good run for your money and you won’t want to disappoint them so you’ll have a stroke just to be obliging. And then when you’re paralysed and dribbling, they’ll start talking at you even louder and because you can’t reply they’ll think you can’t think or hear either so they won’t even leave the room when they discuss how they’ll redecorate it after you’ve gone. And hasn’t anyone asked the quack how much longer you’ll be and aren’t you being a bit selfish hanging on for yet another winter and don’t you realise there’s another generation knocking at the door?

Diana

You’re a pensioner. You’re supposed to be dead from the neck up and extra dead from the waist down.

Diana

You wait, Basil, the hardline feminists will get you. You’ll be hacked to death by boiler-suited viragos outside your tailor’s.

Diana

What did he die of?

Jane

Well, he just sort of stopped.

Diana

The usual. Terminal boredom. Another green bottle falls off the wall.

Jane

I thought you knew.

Diana

Well, they hardly shout these things from the rooftops, you know. You never see a hearse in here in daylight. Slip in under the cover of darkness like body snatchers. The sun comes up and everyone’s trying to avoid looking at the empty bowl of Frosties on the breakfast table.

Tom

If you think life is one long bath in acid, why don’t you pull the plug?

Diana

Suicide?

Tom

Mercy killing, in your case.

Diana

No. Too many people to get even with, and the best way to do that is outlive them.

Diana

Tom, should you be leaving like this?

Tom

No.

Diana

Well, maybe you shouldn’t.

Tom

Of course I shouldn’t.

Diana

Well then, why are you?

Tom

Oh God, woman, don’t you ever listen to your own lectures? To stay alive, one must be bloody-minded and contrary at all times!

Diana

Well, maybe I was just theorising.

Diana

Pain is experience, Tom!

Tom

Experience for what?

Diana

For its own sake. Now, if we were to shoot ourselves, there would be a moment when we would know what it felt like to be shot. We would be more complete human beings. Metaphysically, that is. Physically, of course, we’d be slightly less complete human beings.

Diana

For you, they’d need a 70-Dead Club.

Tom

What a terrible idea.

Diana

Money back if you conk out before take-off… You and I ought to go to some of these resorts. Parade naked up and down the beach with placards saying “Hello, Young People. We Are Your Future.”

Diana

When you talk to God, why do you look into the treetops? Is God a squirrel?

Tom

No, he’s not a squirrel. You mustn’t blaspheme.

Diana

I just don’t believe in God.

Tom

He’s probably got fairly severe reservations about you, too.

Diana

I think our beloved leader, Harvey Pea-brain Baines, the athlete’s foot from the black lagoon, the soot from the flue of life, he who should be scraped from one’s shoe…

Tom

Get to the point!

Diana

Well, I think Baines is up to something.

Tom

He probably wants to curb your use of extravagant metaphor.

Diana

It’s my holy mission in life, to blow raspberries at other holy missions.

Tom

But has it ever occurred to you that you might be wrong?

Diana

Why should it? It never occurs to any of them. Except possibly the Church of England.

Diana

Well, why aren't you getting out of bed?

Tom

There doesn't seem much point.

Diana

No, of course there's no point. There is no point in the entire universe. There is no point in the concept of the vacuum from whence it came. No point or purpose in anything. No design, no nothing. Nothing and then more nothing.

Tom

I only said I didn't want to get out of bed.

Tom

I was wondering if you would like to shack up with me?

Diana

I'm sorry, Tom, I don't think I heard you correctly. I thought you asked me to shack up with you. Do correct me if I'm wrong.

Tom

No, that's it.

Diana

Well, if you would like to place your head upon the floor, I will endeavour to kick it clean off your shoulders.

Tom

Oh, no, Diana, I don't mean the humpty-dumpty hinky-pinky parlez-vous whoops golly who's for tennis bit.

Diana

Do you mean sex?

Tom

Oh, Diana! There's no point in having a language which encourages the use of complex euphemisms, if you come charging along using words like, um, what you just said.