“Humbug” quotes from The X-Files

Mulder

I could be mistaken. Maybe it was another bald-headed, jigsaw-puzzle-tattooed, naked guy I saw.

Mulder

(Upon being told that Dr. Blockhead could make his testicles shrivel up inside him) Oh, mine are doing that as we speak.

Mulder

I got the impression that Glazebrook wasn't the only sideshow performer residing here.

Who are the rubes?

These are FBI agents Scully and Mulder. This is Hepcat Helm, he operates a carnival funhouse.

Oh man, how many times have I told you not to call it that. It's not some rinky dink carny ride. People go through it, they don't have fun, they get the hell scared out of them. It's not a funhouse, it's a tabernacle of terror.

It's a funhouse.

Mulder

Tell me, have you done much circus work in your life?

And what makes you think I've ever spectated a circus? Much less been enslaved by one?

Mulder

I know that many of the citizens here are former circus hands, and I just thought that...

You thought that because I am a person of short stature, that the only career I could procure for myself would be one confined to the so-called 'Big Top'. You took one quick look at me, and decided that you could deduce my entire life. Never would it have occurred to you that a person of my height could have possibly obtained a degree in Hotel Management.

Mulder

I'm sorry. I meant no offence.

Well then why should I take offence? Just because it's human nature to make instantaneous judgements of others based solely upon their physical appearances? Why I've done the same thing to you, for example. I've taken in your all-American features, your dour demeanour, your unimaginative necktie design, and concluded that you work for the government; an FBI agent... but do you see the tragedy here? I have mistakenly deduced you to a stereotype. A caricature, instead of regarding you as a specific, unique individual.

Mulder

But I am an FBI agent.

Mr. Nut, the kind-hearted manager here, convinced me that to make a living by publicly displaying my deformity lacked dignity. So... now I carry other people's luggage. I believe these are your trailers; if they are not... then I am wrong.

Oh, that's most considerate. Thank you very much.

Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. No, no, that's... that's not what I meant... I... I didn't mean to imply that we had bedbugs... I... I meant to say don't let... don't let the...

Mulder

The 'Fiji Mermaids' bite?

Yes, that's right... The 'Fiji Mermaids'...

Mulder

Have you ever performed this... act on anyone else?

Dr. Blockhead

What, are you sick? I tell my audiences that if they're stupid enough to try this on themselves they'll end up with a slight lobotomy. I am a professional.

Mulder

Exactly how does one become a professional blockhead?

[to Scully] Are you sure it was the brother you saw? Maybe it was the Fiji Mermaid who jumped in the sea and swam back to Fiji.

Mulder

[to Scully] Now you know how I feel.

Dr. Blockhead

[crashing a funeral] Not having known the deceased personally, I am in no position to perform a proper eulogy! "I'm sure he was a nice guy," et cetera, et cetera. But as an admirer of the man's work, I am in a position to perform an impromptu tribute in his honor! Namely, ramming this spike into my chest! [does so]

Mulder

Have you ever performed this... act on anyone else?

Dr. Blockhead

What, are you sick? I tell my audiences that if they're stupid enough to try this on themselves they'll end up with a slight lobotomy. I am a professional.

Mulder

Exactly how does one become a professional blockhead? May I?

Dr. Blockhead

Starting in my homeland of Yemen, I trained with yogis, fakirs, and swamis, learning the ancient arts of body manipulation. But most men know nothing of these arts. For instance, did you know that through the protective Chinese practice of Tieu Bhu Xian, you can train your testicles to draw up into your abdomen?

Mulder

Oh, I'm doing that as we speak.