The X-Files · Season 6, Episode 2
“Drive” · Season 6, Episode 2
In this episode: Fox Mulder (9), Dana Scully (6), Crump (3)
Uh, Virgil Nokes? I'm Agent Scully. This is Agent Mulder. We're with the FBI.
(Mulder, in dark sunglasses, leans against one of the porch supports very bored and petulant, eating sunflower seeds.)
Jehovah's Witness?
No, sir. Federal Bureau of Investigation.
But we do have a free copy of the Watchtower for you if you'd like.
I figure I got better things to do with my fertilizer than going around blowing government buildings sky high.
Yeah. Well, as we said, sir this is just routine.
(quietly to Scully) So routine, it numbs the mind.
(firmly) Mulder, we're not going to Nevada.
Come on, Scully. Just one quick side trip.
No. Sorry, Mulder. We have a whole new assignment.
Running down people that buy fertilizer? This is scut work, bozo work - the FBI equivalent of being made to wear an orange jumpsuit and pick up trash by the side of the highway. They mean to humiliate us.
Look, Mulder, like it or not, humiliated or not, we're on domestic terrorism now and, yes, this is... This is a punishment, but if we want to get back to where we want to be we have to follow orders. We can't freelance.
You saw that news report. What did you make of that?
I think that the obvious assumption is that the woman was shot, regardless of what the police say. Maybe it was a sniper.
In the words of their captain, "she just sort of popped." And what about this guy who supposedly tried to take her hostage, her husband? Looked to me like he was trying to warn the cops before she died. Now, the sun will rise in America tomorrow regardless of whether or not we're at yet another farm investigating yet another enormous pile of doo-doo. We can be in and out in a day. Nobody has to know.
[Scully seems to consider the idea. Mulder waggles his eyebrows at her.]
[Mulder stops the car at a stoplight; Crump screams.]
What are you doing?!
What? What am I doing?
What the hell are you doing?!
(sarcastically) I'm composing a sonnet. I'm slowing down for a light!
Crump? Crump, what else can you tell me about what's happening to you?
Mr. Crump. You call me by my last name, you say "mister" in front of it.
"Mister." I got you.
Not Crump. Mr. Crump.
I can think of something else I'd like to call you. I could put "mister" in front of that, too if you'd like.
You know, what kind of name is Mulder, anyway? What is that, like... like, Jewish?
(disbelieving) Excuse me?
Jewish... It is, right?
(annoyed) It's Mr. Mulder to you, you peanut-picking bastard. Now, Mr. Crump what can you tell me about what's happening to you?
On behalf of the International Jewish Conspiracy, I've got to inform you that we're almost out of gas.
Hey, uh... The Jew stuff? No offense. I mean, uh... A man can't help who he's born to.
(sarcastic) That was an apology, right? Gee, I don't know if I can see to drive my eyes are tearing up so bad.
Lieutenant Breil? My name is Dana Scully. I called in regard to the electrical equipment the Navy is maintaining in the town of Montello.
Right. I don't know if there's been some miscommunication between you and your Washington office, but, uh...
My Washington office?
Yeah. I was under the impression that I'd explained this to the FCC's satisfaction.
Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry to make you run through it again, uh... For my official report to the, uh... To the FCC.
(on phone) Mulder, are you okay?
(on phone) Yeah, aside from terminal cell phone withdrawal... That, and I got to pee.
"Justice department jet: 2.6 turbine hours round trip at $1,400 an hour. Car rental - over-mileage, out-of-state use penalties: $346. Compensation to one Walter R. Duncan for unauthorized use of his 1968 Caprice station wagon: $500."
Why don't you bill me?
I'll bill your partner instead. You too obviously relish the role of martyr.
Okay. So are we done here? Back to the bozo work investigating huge piles of manure?
You can always quit.
[Mulder looks at Scully; leaves the office, slams door.]
Sir, Agent Mulder has been through a lot.
And you apologize for him a lot. I've noticed that about you.
I'm not apologizing for this. Because of his work, the DOD is shutting down their antenna array in northeastern Nevada. Our participation in this case has saved lives.
I don't see you proving that. The Department of Defense admits no culpability whatsoever. Furthermore, they say the closing of the facility was coincidental.
("yeah, right" tone) Right.
Don't misunderstand me, Agent. I don't care if you and your partner saved a school bus full of doe-eyed urchins on their way to Sunday Bible camp. You no longer investigate X-Files. You are done and the sooner you and Mulder come to recognize that, the better for both of you.
(mutters angrily as she leaves) Big piles of manure.
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