Jaskier quotes from The Witcher

Yarpen

(Extends hand to shake Geralt's hand) Name's Yarpen Zigrin.

Geralt

(Shakes Yarpen's hand) Geralt of Rivia.

Jaskier

And my name is Julian Alfred Pankr-

Yarpen

Aye! I know. (To Geralt) You'll fetch a goodly amount for that mare if you sell now!

Jaskier

Charming how everyone wants go get their hands on roach these days, isn't it?

Geralt

He means we won't make it out alive.

Jaskier

Wait, what? No one mentioned anything about impending death!

How is it that I've walked this earth for decades without coming across a witcher, and then the first one I meet, I can't get rid of?

Jaskier

I'd say something strange was afoot, but then again, Witchers are bound to bump into monsters eventually.

(laughing) Jaskier.

Jaskier

Yennifer.

The crow's feet are new.

Jaskier

Yeah, well, your jokes are... old.

Yennefer

Bard.

Jaskier

Witch. What are you doing here? And what fresh hell did you just crawl out of?

Yennefer

A sewer. What's your excuse?

Jaskier

Oh a sewer, I always knew you were a bloodsucking, joyless- (Yennifer hugs him) Hugger? Hugging, we are hugging.

Yennefer

I miss the days when my biggest problem was an ever-present, sing-songy twit.

Yennefer

You're the Sandpiper.

Jaskier

What? No. Yes. No. How do you know that name?

Yennefer

You pick up a thing or two when you're in hiding.

Jaskier

You're in hiding? Because you're part elf... Yennefer, I completely forgot. I'm so sorry. I would not wish that fate on my worst enemy, and yes, you are firmly lodged in that category, it has to be said, but what they've done to you and your people is unspeakable. But some people are speaking. There are anonymous benefactors behind the scenes, helping me, helping us, helping us to make this right.

Yennefer

Why help? What's in it for you?

Jaskier

I was at the great oak Bleobheris when it was raided. The Seat of Friendship, the druids called it. Where every free thinker was welcome, no matter their race, their creed... they'll come for the elves, Yennefer, they'll come for the Dwarves. And sooner or later, they will come for everyone. Anyone that they deem the "other", so eventually, no artist is safe.

Yennefer

(After Cahir walks in) He's with me, it's okay. I need to get to Cintra. The both of us.

Jaskier

Well, I'll do what I can. But know this. You, you both... smell truly awful. I mean, it is like something has crawled up your arses and died. So... we leave Oxenfurt at nightfall. Plenty of time to take a bath before then. Just sayin'.

Yennefer

What? (Jaskier gives a look) What?

Jaskier

What happened to you?

Yennefer

You'll have to be more specific, I've lived a long life. (Jaskier raises eyebrows and looks again) (sighing) Chaos appears to be done with me.

Jaskier

You've lost your magic? Is that even possible?

Yennefer

Go on, get your gloating in. Time's limited.

Jaskier

(laughing) You know, once upon a time, I would have used this opportunity to call you an empty, lonely, power hungry she-demon. But... I'm an artist, Yennifer. It's my job to put myself in other peoples' shoes. Even if they are, in your case, large, clunky, and I don't know, probably full of snakes or something. I'm scared too. I'm scared that one day, the muses will stop speaking to me. Because who are we? When we can no longer do the one thing we were put on this Continent to do?

Yennefer

We find a new purpose. A better one. Hopefully.

(Snaps finger and his finger is alight) See, fire is a forbidden source because it usually consumes those who draw from it. Unless you're very talented, then the body can withstand it. But it consumes the soul (Laughing)

Jaskier

Please, I don't know anything!

No, no, no, no, the songs in your catalog would suggest otherwise.

Jaskier

(Screaming) Listen to me, please! Please listen to me. I- I am a bard, I am brilliant. This is what I do, he grunts and I tell stories, he mentions a Witcher keep and I turn it into a magical, mystical hideaway in the mountains. So please listen when I tell you this. He doesn't share any details. He does not have friends. And he does not have weaknesses!

Jaskier

Who the fuck was that?

Yennefer

How should I know? ​You're the one he kidnapped.

Jaskier

Oh what, you mages don't all share an alma mater? You didn't catch him at the last alumni event?

Yennefer

You know, I was looking forward to at least a few more thank yous and perhaps some genuflection.

Jaskier

He's after Geralt.

Yennefer

What? Why? What does he want with him?

Jaskier

Oh you know, I assumed it was to drink tea and eat crumpets and wax nostalgia over old times. I don't know Yennifer, so why don't you conjure up a portal or do your mind talking and warn him? You owe him that.

Yennefer

I owe him as much as he owes me, nothing more, nothing less. Anyway, I can't. No magic, remember? (sighing) Fuck!

Jaskier

You don't get to play the damsel in distress. That's my job.

Jaskier

Good sir, you would not know talent if I shoved it up your... Geralt.

Jaskier

...Fuck it.

Geralt

I've missed you, too.

Geralt

Yarpen Zigrin. Your aim's gone to shit.

Yarpen

Well if it isn't the white fucking wolf and the big fucking mouth! (Both shake hands and turns to comrades) Put your weapons down! Numpty arseholes. This is an old friend.

Jaskier

Friends, plural. Julian Alfred Pankratz, Viscount de-

Yarpen

Yeah! I know! (Takes axe back from Jaskier)

Geralt

I thought ignoring Ciri's existence would make everything better. I was wrong.

Jaskier

And what about Yennefer?

Geralt

If she's hurt Ciri, I may just have to kill her.

Jaskier

Oh no well, obviously we'll kill her. We'll definitely going to kill her, I just haven't found a good enough jabbing stick yet. But what if she's changed too? Look, people do stupid things when they think they're trapped in a corner, Geralt. And they say stupid things. That's what friends do. They come back.

Geralt

This is different. And I'm sorry, Jaskier.

Jaskier

Oh you are so emotional! I mean, it's just yap, yap, yap with you sometimes. (mocking Geralt) "Oh, Jaskier, I'm so sad and complicated!"

Geralt

Shut up, Jaskier.

Jaskier

You shut up. That's a perfect impression of you, by the way.

Yarpen

Oi, You lute-playin' walloper!

Jaskier

(exasperated) Again, with this fresh hell, Mr. Zigrin! (Points at himself) Julian Alfred Pankratz.

Yarpen

Yeah I know, I know, I fucking know!

Jaskier

I know you know. It's a rules of three thing, has to be done. What can I do for you, Yarpen?

Yarpen

I've got ears and good taste, so nothing. But your friends need help.

Jaskier

(sighing) Of course they do.