Lincoln, Clyde and others in “The Blemish Dilemish”

Ok, people. We're not leaving here until we've come up with some hot stories. Let's go, the news doesn't make itself.

Actually, it does.

Helping or hurting, Clyde, helping or hurting? I'm sorry. I'm a little on edge this morning.

[leaning in close to Zach and Liam] He's got a butt pimple that's been revealing barking at him.

I wanted to keep that between us, Rusty. I guess I should have been more clear when I said, "Let's keep that between us." Now, does anyone have a news story? [Stella raises up her hand] Stella.

Are butt pimples contagious?

I have absolute proof that the school nurse might be an alien.

I don't know what's wrong with that melon story I pitched. Thing's grown to darn near the size of a baby head.

What's the hook? Why are we watching?

Because, it's grown to darn near the size of a baby head. You put a live feed on that and the audience will be happier than a kitten chasing a leaky cow.

So we got nothing.

Is that nothing with the melon, or nothing without the melon?

Thank God for "Real Talk with Rusty". Without my show, our ratings would be in the toilet.

[to the viewers] "Real Talk with Rusty" has been the top-rated middle school news show in the tri-state area for seven months running.