“2024” quotes from The Daily Show

Wow! What a terrible fucking week. "Hey, Jon! Come back to The Daily Show, just for the election. It'll be fun! You'll do one day a week, it'll be a laurgh. What could go wrong?"

Yes, apparently, Republicans are pro-worker now and pro-union! I hope somebody tells all the Republican governors who passed right-to-work anti-union laws in their states, and all the Republican-appointed judges who made it easier to break unions, and Donald Trump himself, who helped kill a bill that would have protected unions so they're gonna be so embarrassed at their hypocrisy!

How are you supposed to turn down the temperature of the rhetoric if you're not allowed to mention the rhetoric?!

I have a slight confession to make, and I am not proud of this in any way, shape, or form... but I'm following social media during all this to find out who did it because it's this pattern I feel like we now have in the country when we hear about a horrific event. You're on pins-and-needles in this sort of reverse-demographic lottery to make sure that the psychopathic shooter doesn't belong to one of your teams. [...] And we're all doing it! We're all doing it because we have to know what our posture will be on the tragedy. Will it be a haughty "I told you!" or perhaps a circumspect "Well, let's not rush to judgement. We shouldn't generalize." And then it ends up being someone we can't even fucking figure out in the first place! [...] It's a jump ball! We don't know yet who's got dibs, who wins, and none of us knows what's gonna happen next, other than, there will be another tragedy in this country, self-inflicted, by us, to us. And then we'll have this feeling again. I remember it on 9/11, this disorienting "Holy shit, stop the world, I would like to get off" feeling. And in that moment, there will be some incredible Americans who, in the midst of it, for some unknown reason, rush towards it and get us back to some sort of equilibrium. And we'll count on those folks to hold us together again. And it does remind us that, by a hair's breadth, we dodged a catastrophe. But it was still a tragedy, because one of those first responders lost his life. His name was Corey Comperatore. He was a retired fire chief in the area. He had given his life in service to his community, and he died literally shielding his family. He's a reminder that, in those moments of crisis, there are helpers. And we can all make a choice to try and be one of those people.

19 years old and the world's already beat the shit outta ya. Innt that--? It's always the young dudes that are like, "I have a- A quick question, I'm 19 years old… When hope is gone. When the darkness slowly creeps down…"

Part of the issue is, you just want someone to talk to you like you're a human. Like you're an adult. Not like it's work, not like they're spinning you.

In the span of a week! Democrats have gone from a certain Trump Presidency to the joy… of a statistical tie. Which, right now, that feels like victory!

So sexist, saying Kamala Harris slept her way to the top! Joe Biden and Donald Trump literally slept their way to the top, and we never heard a fucking peep about it!

Why aren't you doing the thing that they told us that you were going to do?! With the hammer and the sickle and the bandolero shots?!

I swear to god, the guy running for President on the Republican ticket has morphed into a poor man's Catturd.

Wait. She calls you on her birthday?! That is very [censored]. On her birthday, she calls you?! "Hey, girl! It's Kamala. Anything you have to say to me that you should've said hours ago?"

They had black Americans! Hispanic Americans! Asian Americans! Gay Americans! Jewish Americans! Palestinian Ame-- Oh. Now, to be fair, it was only four nights, eight hours a night. But really, it's best not to think about the consequences of our actions over there, especially given the theme of the week.

Whatever you're feeling? Go with it. Whether that feeling is joy, or perhaps relief at having a chance when you had none is exhilarating.

Oh, so which is it? Do the vibes fatten you up, or are they emotional Ozempic, which one? But I guess you're right. You can't feed your family on vibes. You can only feed your family on immigration fearmongering. You can't eat good vibes! I think you might be confusing vibes with the tomato-infused soup-adjacent fondue, the weapon of mass lactation that this city calls fucking pizza! I'll tell you that much! Yeah, that's right, motherfuckers! C'mon! C'mon! You want a piece?! You want a piece?! "Ey, ey. I wanna order a pizza." "Oh, yeah, you want a personal or a backyard pool size?"

You spent two months riling up your base that our country had literally been stolen from them through fraudulent means, that you could never even get a whiff of in a court of law, and let—let yourself just abuse them. You pressed on. You abused their trust. You showed up for a speech? You fucking tweeted ‘Join me on Jan. 6. It will be wild.’ But suddenly now: ‘I was just a hired magician to do the bar mitzvah! I didn’t do anything. I showed up with a hat and a rabbit and then the whole party went out of control!’One thing will always be true, and it is the quality of the former president I respect the least: Whenever he is cornered and forced to face even the smallest of consequences for his own mendacity and scheming, he reverts to the greatest refuge of scoundrels. As Shaggy would say, ‘It wasn’t me!’