I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually, although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders. I played Professor Spankum.
It's just a gun for God's sake, not a bloody Xerox machine!
Sorry. I hate not being friendly, but this is New York.
(Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?"
Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick."
Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak.
Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement.
I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job.
Funny man!
(To Jay in a maternity dress) Are you gonna have puppies?
(Praying at her bed) God bless Daddy, and Uncle Bisquick, and please give Momma the butt-lift Aunt Randa says she needs so desperately.
Oh! It time for Humphrey the Hippo!
I don’t know why I ever married you. (zoom out to reveal they're at their own wedding)
You’re just as bad a father as you were a lover.
We raised a great kid.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Critic pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.