(About his new movie) Do you know how much it costs to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?
I can do anything I want. If I want Citizen Kanes last word to be "schwing," then that's what it's gonna be! I'm a god I tell you! A go-- (Clutches his chest in pain, falls to the floor and believes he is dying) Rosebud ... I mean "schwing!"
That's it! I'll run for president! Drop a whole mess a' bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court!
(Picks up his cell phone) Get Webster on the phone. (On the phone with Noah Webster) Noah, how are you doin'? It's Duke. How much would it cost to make "Quyzbuk" a word? I don't know what it means, uh, how about "a big problem?" Great! How about that other word I invented, "Dukelicious?" No one's using it? What a Duketastrophe.
(A statue of Duke chanting) All hail Duke! Duke is life!
Make him SQUEAL!
Bazooka Duke says CHEW ON THIS!
Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! ... VOTE FOR DUKE!
What is this? Annoy The Billionaire Day?!
(Describing himself on a talk show) I'm a self made billionaire. The only person who can bribe me is a Bazillionaire.
(On the phone) Jay, it’s Doris. I’m at the morgue. Could you come down and tell them I’m not dead? They don’t believe me.
(Watching the musical "Hunch") I shaved for this?
(Takes a deep breath) Mmmm ... smoke. (Walks in a room on fire) It looks like Hell, but it smells like Heaven.
Kiss my surprisingly firm butt.
(after Jay tells Jeremy that he's going to marry Valerie Fox): Bubbe, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image awards. Two things I've learned from experience.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Critic pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.